He was not a crook

It occurred to me today that Ford was president when I was born - an interesting connection, and of course, one that made me feel a bit old.

But anyway - my dad lived near Washington, D.C. during 1973-1974. Apparently, right after Ford was sworn in as president, he was still living in his Virginia home. And his first day "in office," he invited the reporters who were camped outside of his house inside for pancakes.

Amazing, no?

He was the subject of many a cheap shot, but proved more intelligent, and certainly more human, than many leaders since. Can you imagine Bush inviting anyone in for pancakes? (Maybe if they were going to profit Halliburton.)

What strikes me the most, the more I read about Ford, was that he was straightforward, humble, and approachable. Wouldn't it be great to have more leaders like that? For that matter, more people in general?

And unlike many presidents before and hence, Ford was not a crook.

In the words of Eric Idle...

This is supposed to be a time of year to wish for goodwill and peace on Earth (why don't we do that every day?), spend time with friends and family, etc.

But it has been ruined, for the most part, by last-minute shop-a-holics who forget how to drive, how to make room for other people when walking out of doors, and in short, how to be civil. I'm hoping that a modicum of civility will return Dec. 27, the day after the second busiest shopping day of the year (tomorrow), during which I plan to stay home and hide.

Fuckers. Thanks for ruining the Christmas season.

So for that part of it, I say, Fuck Christmas! (Especially for the bitch in the huge SUV who backed into my car and then demanded to know why I didn't back up because she had her reverse lights on.)

So I let Eric Idel speak for me, and everyone else who is tired of dealing with assholes this month:

Fuck Christmas!
By Eric Idle

Fuck Christmas!
It's a waste of fucking time.
Fuck Santa
He's just out to get your dime.
Fuck Holly and Fucky Ivy
And fuck all that mistletoe
White-bearded big fat bastards
Ringing bells where e'er you go
And bloated men in shopping malls
All going Ho-Ho-Ho
It's Christmas fucking time again!

Fuck Christmas
It's a fucking Disney show
Fuck carols
And all that fucking snow
Fuck reindeer
And fuck Rudolph
And his stupid fucking nose
And fucking sleigh bells tinkling
Everywhere you fucking goes
Fuck stockings and fuck shopping
It just drives us all insane.
Go tell the elves
To fuck themselves
It's Christmas time again!

And the dumbass of the day award goes to...

U.S. Rep. Virgil Goode, R-Va. (Of course he's a fucking Republican!)

Along with the mighty intolerant columnist Dennis Prager, who had a hissy fit because Congressman-elect Keith Ellison, D-Minn., is a Muslim and will be sworn in with a Koran (gasp!) and not a Bible, Goode just - well, he isn't that smart. (By the way - Prager, would you quit masturbating with the typewriter and find a real job? Or at least something real to write about? You must have a lot of free time on your hands, no pun intended.)

Prager claims the Bible is the only legitimate religious text in the USA; Goode sent a letter
to constituents saying that Americans needed to “wake up” or else there would “likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

“I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped,” he wrote.

Hey, here's a bit of news, dumbfuck: Ellison's family has been in the U.S. SINCE 1742!!
But hey - he's black and a Democrat and a Muslim, so he must be the enemy, right?

It just amazes me how some people haven't seemed to change since the Civil War. People like Goode want us back in the 1950s, I guess. Too bad, jackass.

What royally pisses me off, though, is that Goode and Prager and other intolerants have no qualms about their right to practice their religion. Imagine a similar letter being sent out to constituents, but replace "Muslim" with "Christian." These guys would probably have wet dreams imagining the lawsuits they could bring about.

I've never understood people who stand firm about their inalienable right to practice their own religion, marry who they choose, live how they want, etc., but are so quick to deny those same rights to those who are different.

It's simply un-Christian, if you want to know the truth.


http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/21/us/21koran.html?hp&ex=1166677200&en=2c8c8b1dbbf94e32&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Don't have pants? Need a goat?

Every once in awhile I look at the "items wanted" section on craigslist.org.

I found so many things tonight that made me laugh out loud that I just had to write another blog.

1. Uh...where, pray tell, do they sell goat carts?

Goat Milking gear needed

---

Date: 2006-12-18, 1:06PM PST


The kids and I just started milking a goat, and I need a milking stantion/stand and a stainless milking bucket and whatever else it takes to do the milk thing. If you have extra goat gear you don't need and would be willing to give me a deal on, please email me. We also hope to train the babies to pack, so goat pack gear or a goat cart would be considered too.


2. Is she currently naked? How does one wind up without pants, exactly?

In need of Pants

---

Date: 2006-12-17, 10:28PM PST


Hello my name is Tina and I'm going to be going to Job Corp in less than a month. The only problem is I don't have any pants I'm about a 10 or 11 I do prefer bell bottoms but anything can work I guess. I don't have the money to pay for them so I was hoping that they could be given to me.

• Location: Gresham
  
• It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

3. And entering the "best inmate writer of the year" category...

Ghostwriter sought

---

Date: 2006-12-18, 1:26PM PST


I have what I believe to be an important cautionary tale from the male perspective as to how relationships intersect with the criminal justice system. Basically I will be writing my autobiography from a prison cell for the next few years and am looking for some help with the process. Don't really have any money to offer up front, but I believe that my life would make a very important book for many people (men specifically) to read. Interested? Shoot me an email...

• Location: West Linn
  
• It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  
• Compensation: Co-author credit
  

Would you root for the alligators?

Genes are a funny thing.

If you are unconvinced, let me explain.

I got a holiday card in the mail today from my aunt, uncle and cousins, who live in Texas - by choice. They LIKE Texas. Houston, in fact, which in my experience (I lived there for six years) is the armpit of Texas, which isn't a lovely place to begin with.

Enclosed in this holiday card from loving Lutheran relatives was a picture of all of them on A FAMILY ALLIGATOR HUNTING TRIP. Not kidding. I don't know if they ended up hunting any or not (I certainly hope not), but if I had to watch them try, I'd be rooting for the alligators. (Kidding. Maybe.)

Amazingly enough, my cousin's new wife went on the trip, which was about a month after they got married. Talk about a honeymoon!

How am I related to these people? Do I really share more DNA with them than I do with a banana? How can this be?

I am an agnostic, vegetarian, Native American Irish Jew, and a progressive person who will never set foot in Texas again unless it's a stop on a book tour. (On second thought, if I get anyone to publish my book, maybe I'll create a proviso in the contract that I won't sell it in Texas.)

Yet somehow I have family who are arch-Republican, Lutheran, and whose idea of a good time is a good ol' romp shooting at helpless animals in Louisiana.

Life is strange.

In a hurry?

I was planning to write about the Texas state legislator proposing to let blind people go hunting, but Darthweasel stole my thunder (darthweasel.blogspot.com).

So instead, I will write about another one of my pet peeves, which became especially irritating tonight in a bookstore cafe.

I've got nothing against people in a hurry, mind you. But what I absolutely hate is people who are in such a hurry that they have to push, shove, and dart in front of you - no, actually, they have to be in exactly the spot where you are headed - to get there before you do.

You dumbfucks. What are you saving, one nanosecond? Do you need to get to your latte that badly, that three of you step directly in front of my extremely polite husband so you can get to the cafe counter before he does? Mind you, not the register - the counter where the drinks are already waiting. So you're not saving minutes by getting ahead in line - you've already waited in line!

Unless you need to grab the latte because you are going into labor immediately afterwards, kindly wait your turn. You're not the only one stuck in the cafe, having to listen to the painful renditions of "White Christmas" and "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" while we wait for our buzz. (I always thought Mommy was a bit of a slut when I listened to that song, anyhow.)

Ditto for the people with kids who don't watch the kids, who run all over the place, then stop right in front of people and refuse to move. Fuck you! Why did you have to breed?

I've noticed people always seem to do this kind of shit to my husband. Does he look as nice as he is? They don't seem to do it to me quite as much - probably I give off a look as bitchy as I intend to be.

If you're all in such a hurry, why don't you do us all a favor: buy an espresso machine, make your own lattes, and stay home in the first place! That way you'll save lots of time. And lots of my patience. There's not that much there to begin with, you know.

What did hell do to deserve this one?

Controversial. Mixed. Repressive.

You wouldn't think those words applied to a genocidal dictator who tortured and killed thousands, would you? They're a little weak, no?

Much better, if tongue-in-cheek, is a headline from an Argentine paper: "What did Hell do to deserve this one?"

It just galls me that news stories and headlines have described the former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet so blandly. Only the independent publications have ventured to interview spouses and family members of several people he ordered tortured and murdered. And mind you, our own government helped him get to power, and according to documents declassified by the Clinton administration, helped him get a hold of several of his "enemies" who he later had murdered.

Sick, sick, sick chapter of our history - which Henry Kissinger, by the way, defended on a news show as recently as 2001.

Bad enough that Pinochet was never brought to justice; bad enough that thousands of his supporters (supporters! Who supports a genocidal dictator?) are pissed that the current president of Chile, whose father was tortured to death by Pinochet - and herself was a victim of torture in one of his detention centers - isn't giving him a state funeral.

Boo fucking hoo!

What a sick, sorry place this world is when we can't call a murderer for what he is. Or, for that matter, give him his.

It's like Eddie Izzard says in his stand up routine: kill one person and you go to jail. Kill several people and they put you in a mental hospital. Kill thousands of people in a foreign country, and
it's almost like the world says - Well done!

How fitting he died on Dec. 10, which is International Human Rights Day.

I'm sorry he didn't spend his final years rotting in jail.

No one's business but their own

A friend of mine saw the headline in the local paper and did a double-take.

No, she wasn't reading the National Inquirer!

"Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant."

The story I read online quoted all kinds of pro- and anti-gay groups, who had been invited by journalists to comment on the very personal lives of Mary Cheney and her partner, Heather Poe.

What the fuck? First of all, journalists who do those kinds of stories make ALL OF US journalists look bad. (I may be a freelancer, but I am still insulted!)

Secondly - who gives a shit? Why is a pregnancy anyone's business besides the family involved?

Granted, there are small items in celebrity press when a famous person is expecting, gets hitched, etc. But to play up the fact that Cheney is a lesbian, and then call political groups all over the country to yap about it, is just yellow journalism.

In these articles, anti-gay groups lamented that this child-to-be would "grow up without a father." Yeah, having two loving parents who really want the kid is a travesty, isn't it? How sad!

Pro-gay groups went out of their way to say that Poe won't have any rights as a parent because the couple lives in Virginia, which has some of the toughest laws against domestic partnerships in the nation. Good point, but what the hell is it to them? HRC was just about the only one that said anything worthwhile and impersonal, which was that this was an example that all kinds of familes make up America. (Note to self: glad to be volunteering for a group that didn't make an ass of itself!)

Let these people enjoy parenthood in peace! It's no one else's affair.

Oh, yeah, and call the Associated Press - I'm going to have sex with my husband tomorrow.

Things we'd really like to say in holiday cards

So I am a schmuck - I vowed not to send a holiday card to anyone I didn't like, and I failed miserably.

I do not like him. I wish I would not have to see him or work with him on volunteer projects. I wish I could send a card saying this, but it wouldn't be terribly socially acceptable. Nor would sending cards to the other 9 volunteers I work with, but not him. Sad.

Likewise, it's tempting to send religious, non-Christian cards to the fundamentalist members of my family, who insist on talking endlessly about their religion but don't want to hear about anyone else's. But I don't think they're familiar with Ramadan, Diwali, Kwanzaa, or even Hanukkah, for that matter, so it would probably be money down the drain.

So how about a new approach? If we have to send cards to people we'd rather not acknowledge, perhaps we could inscribe our own very personal messages to each of them. (I actually only know of one person bold enough to do this, but aside from you, Bernadette, the rest of us will just have to pretend to have the guts!) This would also surely prevent any future holiday correspondence.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Sorry I have to address this card to both of you, because I only like one of you. I like you, but your spouse/partner/significant other is a real shit.

2. Sorry we are related. If we weren't related, I wouldn't be sending you a card. But we are related, so I have to send this and pretend that I like you. In fact, you probably don't like me either, so let's quit wasting stamps and paper, shall we?

3. I'm sending you this card because you sent me one. I hadn't thought of you as card-worthy, but I'll look like a jerk if I don't send one now. That's why it's late.

4. I'm sending you this nonreligious card to piss you off. Because the religious cards you send bug the fuck out of me.

5. We live so far away! If you're ever in the area...please don't contact me.

6. Thank you for sending me the news from the past year. The reason you have to send a year full of news into one holiday card is because neither of us like the other one enough to call or write the other 364 days. In fact, I talk behind your back quite a lot.

7. Thanks for the picture of your family. Unfortunately, I don't like any of them, so it was a waste of film.

My very own top 10 list

Sadly enough, nothing of note has pissed me off enough to write about in the last few days...so I was sitting here wondering, what normally pisses me off? I mean, day-to-day pisses me off? Why, the list is long...the material is there...but sadly, I don't have unlimited space here to list too many. (And there are many.) So the top 10 things that REALLY piss me off are as follows:

1. Oregon drivers. You all seem to have learned to drive in cooking class. I've lived in seven different states, and Mexico, and the driving in all of those other places (which include Texas and New York City, neither place known for driving niceties) is positively FUCKING WONDERFUL compared to here. Every day I leave my house knowing I have to drive as defensively as I possibly can or else I will take my fucking life into my hands. So for everyone who merges without looking, panics when 1/4 of a mile away from your exit and dashes across three freeway lanes to make it (also without looking), refuses to merge, drives 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane and then speeds up when I attempt to pass you, speeds around me USING THE RIGHT SHOULDER ON THE FREEWAY (yes, this has happened twice), tailgates me in a fucking school zone but manages not to get a ticket, runs red lights two and three cars at a time, tailgates me on icy roads because I'm not going fast enough to spin off of them, talks on your fucking cell phone and speeds through the parking lot - etc., the list is too long - FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE! If the cops around here did anything besides sitting and waiting for speeders at 5 a.m., you'd all deserve to lose your fucking drivers' licenses.

2. People who have the most annoying cell phone rings. You're also the same people who insist on answering it and talking at least five octaves louder than you must talk, and always in public places like cafes where people are reading, studying, and trying to have a GOOD TIME WITHOUT LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSHIT! And it is INVARIABLY bullshit. I've yet to hear someone whose phone plays the macarena at a loud volume answer the phone for anything actually important.

3. Most SUV drivers. Not only do you have to be socially irresponsible aplenty, you typically are the ones driving and talking and almost running over little kids at the same time.

4. People with "Bush/Cheney04" and "W" stickers on their SUVS, trucks, etc. Sorry, but I've NEVER seen one of those stickers on a fuel-efficient vehicle. The next time it gets really cold, I plan to spit on one of those stickers and watch it freeze. Or, better yet, piss on it.

5. People who smoke right in front of doorways to public places. Fuck all of you! When I was a smoker, I wasn't that rude. In fact, I quit smoking because I DON'T WANT TO PAY TO GET CANCER. So please, go kill yourselves in your own homes or backyards with your cancer sticks.

6. Customer service people who say, after you've just piped up about an egregious customer service experience, that "you're the only one who's complained." Yeah, right. And I'm the only one who's stupid enough to believe you.

7. Women who sleep around at work and show off about it. You make us all look bad! Talk about promoting sexism! One that I used to work with comes to mind...although if I was a guy, I wouldn't fuck her.

8. People who get uptight when you say the word "fuck," but think it's perfectly OK to invade other countries for oil and gut the Constitution.

9. Nonprofits who, instead of thanking you after you make a donation, immediately send another solicitation. Even worse, I recently received one that had the balls to say "Your thank you is enclosed" and enclosed was actually - guess what? - another solicitation.

10. People who kill animals just for fun. I bet you're all hung like mosquitos.

A rant about former coworkers

I had a conversation that involved some of you today, and I realized that I've delayed far too long in saying these two words, if only on my blog: you SUCK.

The most recent two: both men. You two are probably hung like fruit flies. And I'm sure you're sleeping together. Nothing else explains why one of you, an unemployable ignorant asshole with a penchant for racial and homophobic slurs and a single-digit IQ, is moving higher up the company food chain, although you probably have a brain even smaller than your dick, and the other one of you is promoting him and praising him to the skies for being able to tie his shoes in the morning (although they're probably velcro.)

You were probably a spoiled little boy who grew up into a spoiled little man. Not a day goes by when I don't kiss my toes that I don't have to hear you say, "I'm proud of myself!" You can't handle it when your employees do well because you aren't mature enough. If you were smarter, you'd realize how valuable they are; instead, you feel threatened and get snuggly with someone who should have stayed on the island of Yap. I hope someone takes pictures of you and posts them on the Internet. But then, you probably already subscribe to those sites.

To the other former coworker: Fuck you for complaining to HR that I said "fuck" too much, when you said it just as much as I did, and so did half the newroom! And fuck you for making shit up, like that I screamed it on the phone. Maybe if you'd spent more time getting fucked you'd be more relaxed and not such a snotty little bitch.

But you know what? You're stuck in a small town and you gained 40 pounds when you quit smoking, so I suppose you're not too happy. Not that I want you to be unhappy. I just believe in karma.

And to the former coworkers who said, without having seen my resume or clips, that I got hired at my first newspaper job because I was young and cute - well, you deserved it when I flashed you when no one was looking and you couldn't get up from your desks. You guys never bothered me again, did you? :)

In the category of "fucking ridiculous"

As bad as Michael Richards' racist remarks were, and as inconsequential as his apology may be, I find it fucking ridiculous that the two men he insulted are, according to an attorney they've wasted no time in hiring, now asking for "compensation."

Compensation for what? For being insulted by a jackass? Does that now come with a financial reward? Would receiving a windfall of cash make his racist remarks any less harmful? Does it help the state of race relations as a whole? Or is it just the latest in what seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon...see a window of opportunity, and sue. It's downright insulting to all of the people who have worked or suffered on behalf of civil rights. For that matter, millions of gay people go through this kind of shit every day, and all they want is to have the same rights as the rest of us.

But what do I know? Maybe we should all start demanding money.

Let's see - if I had greenbacks from everyone who's targeted a sexist, racist or otherwise socially repellant remark at me, I think I could probably retire at 3o (e.g., now.) Would it do any good for anyone but me? Well, it might be satisfying to have a certain former editor pay up for asking me to "pretend to be a dumb blonde and see if there's anything new" on a particular story.

But truly, it would be laughable if it wasn't so disgusting.

Happy Thanksgiving to Me

What am I thankful for today?

The fact that I don't have to go to anyone else's house for Thanksgiving.

Ah, ungrateful, you say? Nope. Here's a list of reasons why:

1. I can eat whenever I damn well please. I don't have to show up at the asked-for hour, then wait two or three hours to eat until "everyone gets settled." Typically, this means "until the football game is over." And these same people never provide snack food, you notice?

2. I don't have to wait several more hours for dessert because everyone else gorged themselves, having practically starved before the football game. In fact, I say, life is short: eat dessert first. If you don't want to, I'm sure someone else will be happy to eat yours.

3. I don't have to go to my ex-boyfriend's uncle's house where there will be prayers before the meal, prayers during the meal, prayers after the meal, and lots of discussion about what they think God intends. In fact, on the last pilgrimmage I had to make to the wacky uncle's place, he informed us that God "hadn't stopped" the terror attacks from happening. Jerry Falwell, Jr., in Northeast Portland. (These annual Thanksgiving trips were just one of the many reasons I was happy to end that relationship.)

4. I don't have to field questions about why I'm a vegetarian, what I can possibly find to eat for dinner if I don't eat meat, and why can't I just have a little turkey on Thanksgiving.

5. In fact, I don't even have to have a turkey! I deal with enough turkeys every day that I don't need one on (or at) my table on Thanksgiving.

6. There will be *no garlic* in my mashed potatoes, no nasty green bean mystery dish on my table, and no obligation to try a little bit of everything everyone brought, because I am making the food myself.

7. There will be no one present that I dislike, because I handed out the invitations.

So - here's to a dinner and day with people I actually enjoy spending time with, and food I enjoy eating.

On a lighter note...goats!

The following is a real post from craigslist:

Goats Wanted

---

Reply to:
Date: 2006-11-20, 8:32PM PST


Once again i looking for goats, never thought i would have such a hard time finding goats. I will give them a wonderful life, they will have 60 acres of berry brush and grass/weeds, they will drink fresh water straight from a year round creek, or from the river, they will also have a large barn to seek shelter if they like.
So if you have a goat that needs a new home, please let me know. I am able to pay a small adoption fee, i am looking to have a small herd.

Only stipulations: They must be healthy, and they must love children, and have a pleasant disposition, and love attention especially from children!


*****************
Never thought he'd have such a hard time finding goats? And how does he intend to find out if they love children? The hard way? And since when do goats come with an adoption fee?

I realize I'm a suburban kid, but, um, this is a little weird.

Not as creepy, though, as posts I've seen making people promise that, having received said goats, they will not EAT THEM.

I am not making this up.

This is what I get for looking at the "items wanted" section on craigslist.

But if it made you all laugh, it's worth it. And hey - maybe it made you realize your ambition in life is to help him with a small herd. (If so, don't tell me. I don't want to know.)

I don't know what's worse

O.J. Simpson writing a tell-all book about "how he might have" killed the mother of his children and her friend, and trying to make money from it, or the publisher and media wanting to make money from it, or the sickos who sent the now-defunct book to the top of Amazon's bestseller list. Knowing he'd make money from it!

What the fuck is wrong with this country?

I hope all of you who placed orders hang your heads in shame and give that $20 to a domestic violence shelter, you sick motherfuckers. There should be a web site outing all of you.

Hallmark, you suck

Sadly, I have had to buy probably 10 sympathy cards in the past year for friends and relatives who have lost people close to them.

So having become, unfortunately, well acquainted with the selection of condolence cards at several stationary stores, let me take this opportunity to share a few things I'd like Hallmark to take into consideration. (Ha, ha.)

1. Theme. Not everyone who loses someone is a Christian, or religious. When I am choosing a card for an athiest or agnostic, or simply choosing a card for a not very religious person whose cultural/religious background is, say, Judaism, this tends to impede the task.

2. Design. Would it be possible to create a card without a flower or a cross on it? I swear, get enough sympathy cards, and spring will make your eyes tear up because of the floral association. As for crosses, refer to the previous gripe. And what's with the glitter? Are we going to a funeral for a friend of Britney Spears? I'm sure the recipient will really appreciate wiping glitter all over his or her face when grabbing the box of kleenex. This isn't art class, you fucking jackasses.

3. Message. Can I just say: cards for people who are grieving SHOULD NOT RHYME! This should be a no-brainer, but apparently, it's rocket science. Rhyme is associated with silly, child-like, and overall *happy* times. Do cardwriters think the reader will be inspired to suddenly burst into song because of their clever cadence? Are there failed Dr. Seusses stuck working for American Greetings? I don't give a fuck! KEEP YOUR RHYMES OUT OF MY DEATH CARDS.

4. Length. "I'm here if you need me," or, "I'm sorry for your loss," should suffice, no? Why is it that many of these greeting card writers feel the need to write a fucking book? Believe it or not, I was capable of driving to the store to select a card BY MYSELF. So it's likely that I will be able to inscribe an appropriate message without your help. And PS - don't you think it would be tacky to simply sign my name under the printed message, thorough as it is?

4. Selection. Having to weed out the religious, overly flowery, overly glittery, rhyming, long-winded, and other repugnant cards, this typically leaves just one or two options. So if there were ever (and I know this is a stretch) one big pity party, and all of my friends and relatives showed up with cards I had sent in tow, they'd notice that...shit! I probably end up sending the same one or two of them. If you all ever decide to have such a get-together, I apologize in advance.

Hallmark made me do it!

Election results

I'll be as diplomatic as I can about this: fucking YAY!

I hope every ousted GOP member of Congress woke up Wednesday, Nov. 8, singing, "So lonely..."

Now here's a simple message for you Democrats: Please don't fuck up. This wasn't a mandate for you; it wasn't a mandate for social progress, sadly, as anti-gay measures passed in seven states. Primarily it was a fuck-you for Bush, the war, and the over-reaching of overly zealous right-wing, Constitution-shredding, environment-trashing, irresponsible, scandal-ridden corporate whores.

So please! Get us out of Iraq. Make progress on some of the civil rights we've lost. Give us some of the respect back that we've lost from the international community in the past six years. Because millions of us will want to commit hari kiri or move country if there is a GOP president in 2008. This country simply can't handle anymore.

A little levity

Sick of getting e-mail forwards? A solution was so forcefully, yet eloquently written by a friend of mine that I just had to post it:

Dave--what have I done to piss you off?

I have politely asked you not to send me your xenophobic, inaccurate forwarded emails, and yet you continue to do so.

I have demanded that you refrain from sending me this crap--at one point I even called you a racist--to which you wrote back and said that you are a bigot, not a racist and continued to forward every racist, or sexist email that you came across.

I've tried refuting them, I've tried shaming you, I've tried everything but threats. You've left me little choice, Dave. DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT OR I WILL BE FORCED TO TELEPHONE YOU BETWEEN 2 A.M. AND 5 A.M. TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING SICK OF IT I AM!!

Thanks.

More things that piss me off

I did some phone banking for a pro-GLBT rights group last night. (That's not the part that pissed me off.) We were calling people who were identified as pro-equality voters and encouraging them to go out and vote, and letting them know the candidates we felt would best fight for equality. (That didn't piss me off either.) Problem is...the list was more than two years old. So we had lots of dud numbers, even some people who had broken up/divorced, etc., so in effect we called their exes. (Didn't piss me off, but was really embarassing.)

So what pissed me off, you ask? The people that only wanted to know the political affiliation of the candidates. Mind you, one of the candidates is running for Oregon Supreme Court justice, which is a non-partisan (at least theoretically) position.

So I'd get callers interrupting and asking, "Are they Democrats? We're voting for Democrats."

Granted, I vote for Democrats much, much more frequently than I vote for GOP candidates. Not because I love D's - in fact, it royally pisses me off that only recently have they decided to show spine about the war in Iraq and civil rights because it's politically popular to do so - but because on most issues, they're better, or at least the lesser of two evils, than Republicans.

The Republican party can't claim to be "conservative", at least if we judge by the speech and actions of its main figures. Unlike traditional Republican party values, they've become fiscally radical, moved from somewhat isolationist to downright invasive Colonials in terms of foreign policy, and have let the far-right dominate their agenda, moving to invade peoples' privacy and create big government (once upon a time, believe it or not, Republicans were pro-privacy and anti-big government.) Furthermore, they have shredded the Constitution (remember that right called "habeas corpus"?)

So you see - I'm not a Republican.

That said, I really wish more people would do their homework and make intelligent decisions at the polls based on a candidate's merits, rather than his or her political party. There are plenty of anti-gay, pro-war Democrats. There are even a few anti-war, fiscally responsible, pro-equality Republicans.

Take Lincoln Chafee, the Republican Senator from Rhode Island. Or Rep. Christopher Shays of Connecticut. Or former Congressman Tom Campbell of California, who is now the state's finance director. All of these men are reasonable, have good records and seem to want to do what is right rather than what is politically expedient.

For that matter, consider Joe Lieberman - a "Democrat" who constantly defends the Bush administration's fucked up policies, an unjust war we are losing, and didn't hesitate to shed his political stripes when he lost the primary. Or Tim Sheldon, a state senator in Washington and a really reprehensible person, also a Democrat in name only, whose own party supported someone else in the primary.

So, people - do your homework. Voting along party lines may be voting against your values.

And just when you thought it couldn't get dumber...

The dumbest audience yet...I have found them! Well, I have found ad copy *targeting* them. They must be out there, because I saw the following printed on a plastic bag:

"Do not use in playpens, cribs, or strollers."

Excuse me? That's even better than packages of peanuts that say "warning: contains nuts." (If I bought a package of nuts, I sure as hell hope so.) But back to the bag message. Are there really parents that come home clutching said plastic bags and say, "Honey! Great news! I found a cheap way to amuse the baby!", or, "Hey, let's use this plastic bag for Junior, instead of a blanket!" I guess there must be. Or maybe there's a fear of lawsuits? No matter how dumb the person is, they're apparently coherent enough to finding an attorney. Isn't that amazing?

My other new favorite is a sign at Fred Meyer (for those of you outside of the Northwest, it's a grocery/clothing/drug/electronics/every fucking thing you could think buying of store), near the boxes of pumpkins outside:

"Do not roll: Pumpkins Can Be Heavy and Cause Injuries."

I do not want to know what or who inspired that sign. But given the God-awful driving in this state, I'm sure it's someone local.

Even more clever than copy editors

...are the people who work at Washington Mutual, apparently.

Those of you who know me know full well how I *hate* bad customer service. I've experienced plenty of that, and ripped plenty of new assholes, and generally gotten my way.

But I think today is the first time I've experienced illiterate customer service.

Because I am anal retentive about my checkbook, I check (no pun intended) to see when checks are cashed. Today I was surprised to hear that WaMu (as they call themselves) paid my credit card a whopping $1, even though I wrote the check for $100.

The customer service rep (boy, is that a misnomer) told me - and I am not making this up - that "the zeros were really hard to see."

Were they hard to count? Were the words "one hundred and 00/100" really hard to read as well, or was the person who processed the check illiterate?

Never mind the 2+ hours I spent on the phone trying to figure out the situation with WaMu and my credit card company. Never mind the fact that the first rep at my credit card company sounded like she was on crack, and the second was virtually silent and unhelpful. (Thank you, third guy, who actually helped me - I told your manager what a rock star you were and if this had happened while I was single, I'd have practically blown you to show how grateful I was.)

Never mind the extra $80 I spent in the form of an extra payment because WaMu can't get its ass together in time to give the card company the extra $99 before it's too late and all hell breaks loose, at least temporarily, with my APR, fees, etc.

Never mind all that...what I want to know is, how do I get a job where I'm not required to read?

Headlines are for...well, written by, idiots

Anyone who has worked at a newspaper can attest to the fact that most copy editors are 1) arrogant, and 2) dumber than they should be. Basically, they suck. C'mon - who decided that the guys and gals who layout pages are also wordsmiths, and should be in charge of writing the headlines? Someone with a single-digit IQ, clearly (in other words, management.) I've never understood the lure of the copy-editing position. If you're gonna work at a newspaper (e.g., long hours for low pay and little reward), don't you at least want to break stories and write, as opposed to sitting at a machine until the wee hours of the morning?

But I digress.

Mind you, reporters get the brunt of it - calls from livid and insane readers bitching about why "you" wrote a certain stupid or libelous headline...ah, but we WISH we had written the headlines! They'd at least be grammatically correct. And very possibly accurate. But anyway. Here are some recent gems:

Fatal Tour Boat Unsafe (no, really?)

Republicans Want to Turn Over a New Page (I'll bet! You bring the vaseline?)

Priest's Relations With Foley to be Probed (See former comments)

Boring Man Dies in Car Crash (Interesting Man in Hospital)

Back, because I can't shut the hell up

OK - this blog is back up because I'm driving my husband crazy ranting out loud instead of on a computer. But before you get too happy, keep the following things in mind - I'm setting ground rules, if you will.

1. Don't expect me to post daily. There's not enough coffee in the world to induce me to do that.

2. If you are GOP-friendly, this probably isn't the blog for you.

3. Expect lots of ranting here. And I mean LOTS.

OK, everybody! On with the show!