Friday, June 28, 2013


Don't ask me why, but when it gets above 90 degrees, I turn into a witch. I don't know if this is due to the fact that my body doesn't process heat very well (I'm usually cold, and when it's hot, I just overheat), or because I can just be a superbitch on occasion. Please keep your opinions to yourself!

So I haven't had a good rant here in awhile, and today's the day! OK, really, I would like to know if any of the following would irritate you, or otherwise cause you to spontaneously fry your hands and eat them:

1. Someone who doesn't understand something, rather than finding a solution and moving on, or asking for help, keeps repeating the situation to you. And when you say you understand, and make a suggestion, they ignore you and say, "What I'm trying to say IS..." and repeat themselves again.
What I said: "I understand, and I'm suggesting XYZ."
What I wanted to say: "I fucking get it! You repeating yourself over and over again doesn't change the fact that this is a stupid conversation and you don't know how to follow instructions!"
2. This same person can't seem to grasp the fact that they must actually enter an extension number for a phone call to be transferred, rather than just hitting one button on the phone. This person insisted that "the other phone worked fine," however, no one else has ever had this issue.
What I said: "Just go ahead and dial the extension if that works."
What I wanted to say: "Bloody hell! Am I your babysitter? You're in college. You've been married, owned a house, and have raised children. Don't waste my time on this shit and tell me there's a ghost in the machine!"

Captain Subtext threatened to take over at any moment. Bonus points if you get that reference.

3. The phone, and a few odd calls, being attributed to the "lasting effects" of Sunday's full moon. Same person, at least once a day, prefaces a sentence with, "I don't know how spiritual you are, but..." and then proceeds to go off on tangents that, IMHO, have nothing spiritual about them.
What I said: "Hmm."
What I wanted to say: "You could use a good dose of shut the fuck up!"

4. This person asking for help, getting instructions, and then saying, "Well, I'm not sure that's going to help," and starting to search for something completely unrelated.
What I said: "I have experience with XYZ, and that will help."
What I wanted to say: "Are you fucking serious? You have no experience in this area, so you ask for help, and then you decide you know better? What the fuck!"

5. This person not shutting up all week.

6. It being hot. Did I mention it was hot?

Is it me? I try to be patient. Outwardly, I was patient. Internally, I was cursing her a blue streak.

Which reminds me, my friend K. got me this fantastic gift, which I am sending to a couple of people who are going through tough times. Is this a gift that would make you laugh? Or should I have sent a fruitcake?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


To the four of you Sups who voted against equality - shame on you! You're on the wrong side of history, and you will be viewed as the bigots that you are. To the rest of the Court, and those who are pulling us out of the dark ages, WOOT!

Because love should not be illegal, and no one should be discriminated against because of who they love. The more, the merrier! 

Happy weddings, everyone! One day our whole country will look back on this and wonder why we were so backwards. I can't wait for that date. Meanwhile, I am going to work on the campaign in my state.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Good riddance~!

Exit the Exodus Movement! In case you don't know the backstory, this group set out to "cure" GLBT Americans and went through multiple iterations of leadership, as the leadership came out of the closet.

I am still blown away that anyone who believes in a loving God thinks that mere mortals would be condemned for loving others. I hope these people find accepting churches instead.

Working in mental health, I see heart-breaking statistics on suicide and attempts from GLBT adolescents, in particular, following bullying and communities that don't accept them.

We need to get on the right side of history and stop the discrimination, and that includes religious groups.

In the meantime, good riddance to this group, which made so many people feel so terrible about themselves.

Motley Crue can say it better than I can... substitute "bigots" for "girl."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

More from the office: of religion and oral...stuff

Knowing this blog is linked with the title to some others, and some of those others have prude followers, I abbreviated.

But here is a sentence I said at work, to a colleague, that I never imagined I'd say in the context of work (or anywhere else for that matter): "Just because someone is waving around a Bible and talking about oral sex DOES NOT mean you should pepper spray him!"

As my friend Mike D said, that demands a backstory. And a backstory it has.

One of the directors at one of our chapters in a neighboring state is on leave, and the interim replacement and I were chatting about some things. Normal things: events, letters of support for grants, etc. Then she says, "I need to ask your advice about something."

Me: "Go on."

Her: "There's this man that keeps coming in and waving around a Bible and talking about oral sex, and saying people should be allowed to do what they like. One of my volunteers felt threatened, and I asked what she needed to feel safe, and she said pepper spray. Do you think it's OK for us to have pepper spray?"

Me: "Has he made any threats?"
Her: "No."
Me: "Has he indicated that he was going to be violent?"
Her: "No, he just keeps waving around a Bible and talking about oral sex."

Then I said the sentence I wrote above.

Then I had to explain to everyone in the office who was within earshot, as it's not the kind of thing you say without explanation (at least in my line of work. I can't speak for everyone.)

I am wondering if what my great-grandmother said is true, and it takes all kinds of people to make a world, or if what Mr. RK says is true, and that we're just stuck with the kinds that are here.

And no, the lolcat has nothing to do with the post, but I didn't want to do too specific of an internet search for obvious reasons.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Men in tights

I keep wondering aloud (read: bitching) why they keep remaking superhero movies every few years. I mean, it used to be that you waited the respectable 15 or not even 10 have to go by.

And today, after watching Man of Steel, and asking Mr. RK, "When does Thor II come out? How about Wolverine?", I answered my own question.

Because idiots like me want to go see them! Show me a movie with a fit man in tights, and I'll drop $10 and go through a bucket of popcorn. Then, chances are, I'll go buy the action figure.*

I'm just a sheep that way, I guess.

I've always liked superhero stuff. As a little kid, I collected action figures instead of dolls. So I played with The Incredible Hulk, Superman, Batman...etc. Stupidly I didn't save the action figures so I bought them again when I grew up.

You're never too old for toys, you know. (And no, that has nothing to do with movies that may have previously been made in my office...)

*Well, let's say a fit man in tights who wants to save the world from hostile aliens/mutants/etc. Otherwise, we just have Richard Simmons.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Adult films and trampolines, all in my office

No, I'm not making it up.

All hell has broken loose, maintenance-wise, in our office (read: we're a nonprofit, it's cheap rent, and you get what you pay for.) This has resulted in several visits from the maintenance man, who has managed to fuck up the plumbing more on each successive occasion.

However, his visit did result in this conversation:

Me: "So are you guys going to get rid of the old paint and stuff the previous tenants left behind (two + years ago?"
Him: "You know the previous tenant got kicked out for making adult films here?"
Me: "WAT!"
Him: "But they aren't as crazy as the people upstairs. They have a trampoline that they jump on, up on the roof."

I've known him for a couple of years, and all of our previous conversations have consisted of things such as, "Hi, how are you?" I have to say, that is a rather clever way not to answer if you are going to clean up.

And now I find out that we, in the mental health agency and the bulk of us with diagnoses, are the "normal" tenants in the building.

But it does leave me to wonder: in what part of the office did they make the films?

Too bad that conversation wasn't over the phone.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

About that time with the sheep...

Like many of you (I hope), I am not surprised, but mad as hell that this administration, in a move undistinguished from the last one, feels the need to spy on tens of millions of us.

Don't tell me this is to prevent terrorism. Tens of millions of peoples' calls need to be monitored? Really? Tens of millions of us are a threat?

This is so fucking big brother it's right out of an unwritten Orwellian novel.

Anyhow, like so many other things, I can't fix it, so I have to come up with something funny.
So although my first thought on reading about this program (the existence of which was previously denied) was, "What the fuck!" my second one was, "I need to start coming up with some really appalling and weird stuff in case my calls are ever, say, recorded."

Say, about the time with the sheep...or my strange new fetish involving jelly beans and toe-sucking (OK not really), perhaps.

Do you have any suggestions? Just so we give them a good time.

If they don't actually record the conversations, maybe I'll have to seek out some esoteric phone numbers to appear on the records. I have tons of unused minutes at the end of every billing cycle. The human/sea urchin love society? The joy of befriending fire ants? How to create condoms from Dum-dum wrappers?

Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go call my new best friends. Let me know if you have other ideas too!

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Of spilled mochas and the IRS

This is my rant of the moment. Bear with me. It's nothing life-threatening, and I apologize for being out of sorts, but it's still irritating.

So this is what you do this week if you are me:

1. Pick up your coffee 3/4 of the way to work (11 miles in thick traffic) and find out, the hard way, that the coffee drive through didn't put on the lid all the way. Get mocha all over your beige skirt. Call your boss and tell him you need to go home and change. Hear your boss laugh and say OK, as long as you send pictures of the mess.

2. Spend time agonizing over a letter from the IRS that says they haven't received your tax payment, which you made 2 months ago. Spend lots - and LOTS - of time on hold (total of more than an hour) on multiple calls, after going through literally a dozen menus to get a live person, and on the first of these calls, have your cell phone drop the call after the agent tells you everything is OK and you don't owe and you can disregard the notice. Call back just in case and their computer systems are down. Call back again just in case, and find out that the guy didn't finalize fixing the ridiculous glitch (more on that in a moment) even after he said he did "because the call is lost."

About as helpful as...

And the explanation? "The payment was applied to your husband's account, and you are listed as the main account holder."

Account? Like a drug store? We filed jointly, paid jointly, and then jointly received a bill saying we owed what we had already paid. Both of our names. On. Everything.

Somehow, even though we paid, and his "account" got credited, both of us still officially owed, until they unfucked it. I hope.

Does this sound like bullshit or a computer glitch to you? Or both?

3. Have the database that your national organization uses be about as useful as a condom with holes in it. Call the head of a national program and ask, "Who do I have to screw to get an accurate database?!"

4. Have one of your colleagues refuse to attend your meeting or send her staff because another one is going to be there. I thought we had finished kindergarten?

And it's not even Monday!

I am just tired as fuck after all of this, as ridiculous as that sounds. How's your week going?