Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Just top 1 Tuesday

My arms are too tired to do a Top 10 Tuesday (sorry, Joey!) but I'll bet this will top anything I could have come up with, in terms of laughs...and we can always use laughs, can't we?

The outfit alone sent me into fits of giggles.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Several of you - including Scarlet, who gave me these words for my meme, as well as Joey, Grannie Annie and Fireblossom, among others (and if I forgot you, don't be mad, it's tired me here) - have posted about this meme. Someone gives you five words and you muse about them...or something like that.

Here are my five:

Words are my biggest aphrodisiac. That and a British accent (before I met Mr. RK, anyway.)

Scents have always been linked to memories for me. No matter how long it has been since I have seen or thought of someone, if I smell a lotion, cologne, perfume, or other scent that I have associated with them, memories will come back.

The people who have been the biggest inspiration in my life, I just realized, have all been social activists of one kind or another: social workers, nonprofit workers, pastors.

Beauty really is on the inside. People with ugly personalities become really ugly to me.

Speaking of beauty, I finished a friend's manuscript last night, and a line from the last page really grabbed me and made me read it again:

Life is not perfect, but there are perfect moments, complete in themselves, requiring nothing more, for more would be too much, and less would be too little.

I will fight like a mama bear if I think someone I love is being treated unfairly, but I am a peaceful person at heart (this means "peace" in Spanish.) I fantasize about world peace. I wish we could somehow eliminate greed, because I think we'd eliminate about 99% of the world's problems that way.

Friday, September 25, 2009

No one in Edison, NJ is getting any.

Why else would they try two years in a row to ban a sex toy convention?

What is it with hyperconservatives going after devices that just happen to be marketing to females? Hmm? Alabama has been waging a court battle over this for over a decade.

But mind you - violence is OK.

I have never understood it, but this seems to be the prevailing attitude of some of the right-wingers in the U.S. Movies that show people getting cut up into little pieces? No problem! Two adults consensually enjoying themselves in bed? Gasp! We CAN'T stand for that!

When I was growing up, my parents were careful not to expose us to inappropriate movies, music, etc., but they were always most concerned that we not think violence was acceptable.

I'd love to see some of these right-wing idiots take a real stand against something - poverty; domestic violence; corporate greed. But no - it's easier to sound off about vibrators!

I suppose none of them have tried any of the products they're trying to ban, else they'd be changing their tune very quickly.

Put that in your pipe and fuck it, Edison, N.J.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Language and its evolution

A quote from Liza of Lambeth, W. Somerset Maugham's first novel:

"Grind away, old cock!"

Now mind you, the sentence above was uttered by a female character to a musician - but she was asking him to play the organ grinder.

Makes you wonder how the English language has evolved, and why.

Speaking of which, I am getting a terrible reputation for language (LOL) - I got this late b.day gag gift from Darth Weasel and his wife:
Tomorrow is my boss's b.day, and in his card, I wrote, "It is great to work for someone I respect, who cares so much about our mission - and who doesn't mind that I say "fuck."

Here is his cake - cross your fingers that he doesn't find out about the surprise party until the first guest walks in!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Another first (and second)

I've never made a cake from scratch before - or frosting, for that matter.

My boss is turning 40 this week and, silly man, he's coming into work. So I have cooked up a little surprise party - he knows something's up but he doesn't know it includes his parents, sister and wife - and I thought I'd try making a cake.

Not wanting to fuck it up and having to run out and buy a crappy grocery store cake at the last minute, I thought I'd try the recipe this weekend first.

Mr. RK was only too happy to be my guinea pig for this culinary experiment.

Cake #1 came out a bit too thin and a bit too dry - we blamed the whole wheat white flour. An aside - What the fuck IS that, anyway? Is it just me? When last I checked, there was white flour and there was wheat flour. Can anyone explain this?

Anyhow - not wanting Mr. RK to eat an unsatisfactory cake, I remade it with regular flour and ended up with a moist (yes!) yellow cake that even had that springy cake bounce.

Next, I made the chocolate fudge frosting, which came out yummy on the first try.

I also bought some sugar letters. I'm debating what to spell out on the cake - please vote for your choice:

1. "Happy 39th Again."
2. "39 and Holding."
3. "Oh fuck! Another birthday!"

Just kidding about #3. I don't have enough letters :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Flash 55

The dinner was bigger and better than anyone expected. And we all know that size matters.

The flirty Republican gave her a big icky hug.

"Congratulations," he said. "How are you feeling?"

She replied, "Like I need to go home and get bumped!"

True story.

The end!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Just got home from a work event the night before our big event. You're all wishing me lots of luck (and money for our organization), right?

I have been pretty busy and will likely be zonked tomorrow night, too, but here are a couple of funny stories to tide you over before my next rant...

1. Mr. RK's suit went to the dry cleaner. The pick-up slip said "One Man Suit." Obviously an abbreviation (or a variation of English), but we both thought this was hilarious! He came home with the suit and said, "I am no longer a boy."

2. My boss had to move his spouse to another table to make room at the head table at our event for a person from our national organization. He asked me, "Would you e-mail K and let him know that I've bumped my wife to make room for A?"

I e-mailed and the reply was thus: "It's C's business when and where he bumps his wife!"

I laughed so hard, had to explain it to my boss ("What? What's so funny?") and actually blushed. I was so embarrassed - because frankly, I don't want to picture my boss bumping anyone - that I ran out for a decaf.

Which brings me to...

3. I felt especially edgy and mouthy, and realized that my coffee, although I requested decaf, was loaded.

I wrote back to K that he was very naughty for a Republican.

He said he'd take that as a compliment.

As Tigger would say, TTFN! Ta ta for now!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

There is hope for me yet!

I have been cooking lately. Yes, going beyond salads and the microwave!

I have been partly inspired by a biography of Julia Child...mind you, I have made it clear that I will never make dishes with 1) that much butter, 2) more than 20 ingredients, or 3) that take hours and hours to make.

See, I never learned to cook because I always equated it with being Donna Reed, not feminist, etc. Which I realized a few years ago, was asinine.

Also, as you have probably figured out from reading this blog, I usually do not attempt things I cannot do really, really well, or preferably better than anyone else. I'm very competitive with myself. This is why, in the past, I have not attempted to cook, learn graphic design, or become a handwriting instructor.

In the past, I have had an angel food cake explode in my oven - and subsequently catch on fire; I have ruined alfredo sauce thinking I could make a low-fat version with half-and-half (actually making a watery version); I've baked brownies that stuck together so badly my coworkers asked if I had made a science experiment.

I still don't see the point of cooking for one. However, when I met Mr. RK, we both realized we needed to learn how to cook, and pronto. So far, this has meant fixing a limited number of dishes, but recently I have extended myself to things that take more than half an hour to prepare.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be (nor do I want to be) a gourmet chef. I will be happy with being a reasonably good cook, and not poisoning anyone.

Stupidly, my whole life, I have thought that cooking was an inborn talent; if you're a good cook, I reasoned, everything comes out right the first time. I had no idea that it took - even required - trial and error, that not everything would come out right the first time. Pheromone Girl, who is quite an accomplished cook, said, essentially, "But of course!"

I did not know, until I read the biography, that at first, Julia Child was a terrible cook. Chicken fat on the wallpaper, raw meat because it wasn't cooked properly, entire dishes in the garbage.

However, her husband, Paul, was encouraging, telling her that, "I'm sure you will become a wonderful cook, because you are so interested in food."

I am not terribly interested in food, but I am always interested in a challenge, and that is how I am treating this. It's an adventure, and sometimes a successful one; in the past week, I have come up with good recipes for broccoli cheese soup and pollo asado with mojo criollo sauce - and that was tricky, because I'm a vegetarian. But I was thrilled when Mr. RK, who has offered to be my culinary guinea pig, said my first-time pollo asado was better than the kind he orders at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants.

Sometimes the result (see above picture) is even pretty.

Next is Thai peanut sauce. The first recipe tasted like a vinegary, soy saucy, nasty concoction (and I followed the recipe), so next I'm trying something with coconut milk and ground red pepper.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

He's so fucked.

I have to say, I take delight when hypocrites get outed for who they truly are.

Former (as of this week) California Assemblyman Mike Duvall - who is married and a self-professed "family values" Republican - e.g., anti-gay, self-righteous, the-government-should-tell-you-who-to-fuck - got outed talking on tape about two of his sex partners. Both were married female lobbyists - and apparently, one of them liked to get spanked!

Duvall, who was dumb enough to make the comments in chambers while his mike was on, now insists that he has never cheated on his wife and merely "engaged in inappropriate storytelling."

HA! I must find a way to use those words in a sentence more often.

Mind you, I could care less who has sex with whom, or gets spanked by whom. But when you deny civil liberties to other people under the guise of your own holiness, and you like S&M, and YOU ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOUR MIKE ON, I must say, there is a certain amount of glee when I read these news stories.

Duvall got seriously spanked this week, anyhow. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall when his wife confronts him.

I couldn't help posting this tape. LOVE the part with the reporter trying to chase him down for an interview: "Sir! Sir! What about the sexually explicit tape?"

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Top 10 Tuesday

Taking the lead from Joey again...

It's only 8 days until our organization's first-ever gala dinner, and I can't fucking wait until it's over. Try squeezing your first signature event into 3 1/2 months with grumpy people and tell me how YOU do!

So here are 10 things I definitely won't miss...

1. At the top of my list, the Monday Horror Meetings. They're DONE! FINITO! NO MORE!! That shriek you heard earlier this afternoon from downtown Portland was my fucking joyful noise. Today was the last one! THE! LAST! ONE!!!! DESSERT, I tell you!

2. Seeing ye olde bastarde fucke, who claimed to our board that he is "doing all of the work," even though he really hasn't done a goddamned thing except interfere and micromanage, each week at said meetings.

3. Seeing my boss get chewed out by the blond bitch when she decides to show up to the meetings.

4. Hearing, "But this is so close to your guys' walk!" when people are asked to help us sell tickets.

5. Having people call and ask if they can get in - TO A FUNDRAISER - for free.

6. Going downtown to an old person's wannabe snooty club for the meetings.

7. Almost getting rear-ended in the parking garage of this club by teenagers driving their parents' Mercedes.

8. Hearing people ask (mind you, the same people, asking over and over), "How is the event going?" and having to make a polite reply, instead of saying, "It fucking sucks and I hate my life and can't wait until this is over!"

9. Having to refer to an ex-politician as "Senator so-and-so," because - hey! - he's no longer a senator. He lost. I voted for his opponent. I know this is what's done, but I still think it's stupid. You don't call an ex your current partner, do you?

10. Hearing, "When we do this next year..." Because if we do this next year, things will be different - different timing, different committee, different circumstances - or I'll go home and eat enough cheese enchiladas to make myself explode, thereby not having to be on the planning committee.

I told my boss I am bringing in a huge cake the day after the event. And both of us are going to eat the whole thing.

The END.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

TMI...and then some.

So we have an information and referral line at work, where we give out information for support groups, etc. Because we have a small staff (two full-time and one part-time), my boss and I end up taking some of the calls when we don't have volunteers to staff the line.

I had two calls Friday morning from this guy just wanted to talk - giving me waaaaaay too much information. After I gave him some support group information (that was the reason, supposedly, that he had called,) I kept politely telling him I wasn't qualified as a therapist so he really should discuss these issues with his counselor (he had one.)

TMI is TMI! "this woman stomped on my heart, and my brother told me she was just after my paycheck and my dick!"

Mr. RK said, "At least she wasn't just interested in his paycheck!"

Said my friend Ms. J, "That's right! Money isn't everything."

Thursday, September 03, 2009

New word Thursday

I'm not actually trying to start a regular meme...but I have a new word for all of you to use at your disposal.

Or rather, an acronym.

See, something at work happened the other day that was a real SNAFU, as they say in the military (and elsewhere): Situation Normal All Fucked Up.

Except for the fact that it was my fault, so it became (and I believe I am the first to lay claim to this) a SNIFU: Situation Normal I Fucked Up.

Feel free to use it when necessary. Circumstances that precede the occurrence of a SNIFU include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. Lack of sleep
2. Lack of coffee
3. Lack of both sleep and coffee

Happy almost Friday!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Top 10 things that will not happen even if monkeys fly out of ... you get it.

In keeping with Joey's Top 10 Tuesday...and this song just seemed appropriate.

1. None of my friends will meet you in Orlando. You're married. They're not interested in fucking you.

2. The same friends WILL NOT return your calls or emails, Trevor of Spokane, Washington. What part of "fuck off" don't you understand?

3.In fact, if you keep bugging one of my friends, I will not hesitate to post your full name, office contact information and e-mail address on this blog. I have no fear. There is no e-mail address where you can find me, you pathetic fuck. (PS - I hear you actually ARE a pathetic fuck.)

4. Ye olde fucker whom I have referred to in a recent post - I WILL NOT have to deal with any requests from you ever again. My boss confirmed this today.

5. Also, ye olde fucker, I WILL NOT stop wishing your karma on you. I have in mind the scene from Amelie where she puts hair creme on a bully's toothpaste, sets his alarm for 3 a.m., replaces his slippers with ones that are too tight, makes his bedside lamp blow up, and has him crying for his mommy.

6. I WILL NOT stop eating DQ!

7. I will not flirt back with you, you Republican motherfucker. You're married, I'm married, and even before I was married, I tried to avoid sex with Republicans. And I think I outweigh you by about 20 pounds. Just because we're working on a fundraiser together does not mean we're friends.

8. I will not drive down to San Francisco to meet you, my supposedly happy married friend who keeps sending suggestive emails from NY.
WTF with married guys flirting, anyway?

9. I will not refrain from counting the days until the next big event at work is over, or refrain from dreaming about the big fucking cake I'm bringing into work the next day.

10. My cat will not share my pillow with me. This has been set in stone, my friends.