Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!

Although we have a little over half an hour to go in my time zone, I wanted to wish every one a happy 2008.

A nice end to 2007: my stepmom accepted a job offer today! Congratulations, Ms. Executive VP!!!

In the coming year, I plan to continue the ESL teaching, hope to find a stable job that doesn't suck, and check into the graduate program in adult basic education. I'm a chicken about applying, going to school, and going into debt, but if it's the right thing, I think it would be rewarding to eventually teach at a community college and help people get their GEDs. We'll see!

In the meantime, I could resolve to drink less coffee next year...but who am I kidding? :P

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Copywriters who were real douchebags

So as funny as these old Lysol ads are, they were serious advertising!

Totally anti-female, and totally ridiculous. No matter that the copywriters are either dead, or old enough to be wetting themselves...they still piss me off! You know they were all probably written by men who didn't get any, anyway.

I'd love to come up with the anti-male counterparts...

How about these:

1. "Held in a Web of Indifference..." But Fred finally got a penis extension. So he broke through it.

2. "Please, Danielle, don't lock me out!" Dave buys her jewelry and finally starts showering and - surprise! - gets that prized blow job.

3. "Love quiz...for the man who isn't getting any."

Why does she spend the evenings alone?

*My guess is that her vibrator is better than you.*

Porn at Borders!

Browsing the DVD section at Borders last night, my husband found a shelf of features that, shall we say, surprised him.

Labeled "Mature," it had lots of must-have titles like "Busty Cops," "2069: A Sex Odessy," and something with Jenna Jameson.

And I thought they just had regular movies, books, stationary and good coffee...but they can cater to my porn needs, as well!

Who knew?

So, another question - why do they bother to wear clothes (see left) to the adult DVD awards anyway? It's not like they haven't bared it all to begin with...or that their clothing leaves anything to the imagination.

Is it just me, or does she look like a giant strawberry with breasts?

Thursday, December 27, 2007


I have been tagged by Jlee! I plan to tag Drew, Emily and Chella and Sarah...

Here 'tis...

1) Post a note about a blogger you would like to see something wonderful happen for. Maybe one whose posts have touched your heart in one way or another. Include details as to why you admire them and what you wish for them. Be as supporting and affirming as you can.

*I would like Chella and Sarah to have the most fabulous wedding ever! And for their zines to go bigtime! Why I admire them - hmm...creativity, selflessness (they're teachers) and I appreciate their friendship.

2) Post your favorite memory around selflessness, giving, or doing for others. Something that has actually changed you.

This may sound strange, but when I was in a dorm during my freshman year in college, a friend and I were running out the door to do errands and it had just started pouring. We didn't have umbrellas or raincoats, and while we were standing there, wondering what to do (this was in NYC and we didn't have cars, so we had to walk everywhere), a couple of people who lived in the dorm returned and presented us with their umbrellas. To keep.

That was such a sweet and random act of kindness - and so I have returned the favor with umbrellas for other people on several occasions.

3) As a postscript, name one thing you will actually do for someone in your life before December 31 that is born out of joy.

I am going to plan a surprise dinner or dessert for my partner/husband. I have already nagged everyone about sending cards so he feels special...having a two weeks after Christmas, he sometimes gets ignored.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The greatest button ever

My brother (the 28-year-old one, not the 11-year-old one) attached this button to one of my Christmas presents.

Should I wear it to the Christmas Eve service at church? :)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


I'm not the biggest fan of the holidays - OK, that's an understatement - namely because I'm irritated by 1) crass commercialism, 2) crass capitalism, 3) traffic, 4) crowds, and 5) stupid people.

Mix all of these with nasty, wet winter weather and - voila! - you have the holiday season.

Nevertheless, I am missing my great aunt, who died in August, especially much this time of year. Which also reminds me that I miss my cat, my cousin and my friend Ward.

I didn't want to do cards. I still have not put up the tree.

One more point of proof that my great aunt knew she was dying even before her cancer diagnosis - she labeled the Christmas ornaments that were from me. (We had a tradition of getting each other ornaments, no matter how many we had to try and fit onto an already crowded tree.) Her niece, my aunt Julie, sent the ornaments to me last week, and when the box got here, I almost cried.

I'm still not sure what to do with them. For now, they're in the closet.

Is the first holiday season the hardest without the ones we love, even with others we love here to hold us up?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids........

Thanks, Senior Woodchuck!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.


Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to
see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a
sports car.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Think pink!

So it's cold and gray and flooded with no sun in sight (of course!) here in the Northwest, there was an ice storm in the Midwest and another Northeast...generally miserable weather. (Winter = miserable, right? Unless you're in Australia?)

So going through the England trip pics again I found this lovely spring field of pink tulips and little indigo flowers I don't know the name of.

So here it is to cheer up your day a bit! Think pink! Think spring!

Bonus information for those of you who have nothing else to read: This shot was taken outside of a cafe in Greenwich where we got iced coffee and ice cream (because it was warm! Spring! Yay!) by some poor guy named Humpus.

That's what his nametag said. I think he will have a lifetime of trouble getting laid. (You knew there had to be some smart ass remark here, didn't you?)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Dec 12
Showers Early
N/A/33° 30%

High not valid after 2pm
Dec 13
Rain / Snow Showers
43°/33° 30%
Dec 14
45°/40° 50%
Dec 15
Rain / Thunder
44°/36° 80%
Dec 16
42°/38° 20%
Dec 17
42°/35° 70%
Dec 18
42°/36° 60%
Dec 19
43°/35° 60%
Dec 20
40°/35° 60%
Dec 21
40°/33° 60%

Monday, December 10, 2007

English/American (mis)translation

The first time I went to England, in 1999, I saw that they sold "British/American" dictionaries.

I should have bought one - among other things, it would have made the laundry slip in the hotel MUCH easier to understand. (Tip for the uninitiated: "pants" mean "underwear" and "trousers" mean "pants.")

It is very easy to offend in British by speaking American English - e.g., fanny means part of the female anatomy. I wonder if the genius who invented the noun"fanny pack" is aware of this? Needless to say, my dad could have used that dictionary on a business trip a few years back when he unwittingly said, ending a meeting with a British female executive, "I'm going to go back to my hotel and sit on my fanny."

But anyway - I didn't know the Brits could be unintentionally offensive. (Intentionally offensive, yes, if you happen to be American and traveling there during their busiest tourist year on record, at a time when the dollar isn't worth a fucking thing. But that was another blog, wasn't it?)

On the most recent trip, in April, we were walking down a busy street and were literally stopped in our tracks by the sign above.

Obviously we took a picture for my husband's friend, Dave, whose wife calls him Davy. It soon became his computer wallpaper.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Nothing subtle here...

For my desktop wallpaper on the computer, I use pics that friends, family, and my husband and I have taken.

This is what's up there now - a salon across the street from the hotel where we stayed on a trip to London last spring.

Truth in advertising? I wish political campaigns were so honest ;0

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Is there a copywriter in the house?

Having done marketing copywriting myself, I can tell you that it's no piece of cake. You have to say as much as possible in a (typically) short space.

I can also tell you I don't envy those copywriters whose accounts include food items.

Is it just me, or could you, too, have trouble being inspired by a bottle of red sauce, or a can of water chestnuts?

My guess is that's why they sometimes have little "histories" of foods on the side of the box, bag, or can. E.g. my box of cornflakes, even though it is the Trader Joe's brand, has the history of the cornflake. The writing, which takes up the ENTIRE side of the box, evokes details about its place in history in what would become the Kellogg's cereal company.

Now that would give me a headache, attempting to come up with that much material about a fucking type of cereal. I feel for the poor SOB who got that assignment. Ditto for the one who had to write (invent?) the history of General Tsao's sauce.

But nonetheless, I must complain about some of these people, because I am a voracious reader and out of habit when I'm eating alone, I often find myself, out of habit, reading these panels, labels, etc.

I know copywriting pays well. I think these scribblers should earn their money if I'm forced to read their work, don't you?

So let's start with a few ground rules, shall we?

Rule #1: You MUST know how to spell. This means you, the hack who put apostrophes in all the wrong places on my bottle of Trader Joe's red sauce. You don't spell it "taco's" unless you are referring to something in the taco's possession - perhaps some lettuce or cheese, which is apparently what your brain is full of. Ditto for "enchilada's." Who did you blow to get this job? Or were you someone's fuck-up cousin Mitzy who was related to the owner of the company and you got this one, golden chance not to make a complete ass of yourself? You blew it, Mitzy.

Rule #2: We all know the importance of allergy labels. My particular favorites are the ones that advertise the fact that the product is "made on equipment shared with shellfish, peanuts, feathers of old roosters, and your cousin Gertrude's naughty sex toys." Just kidding about those last two. But seriously, don't you ever wash it? Or does it go something like this:

Hal: "We've got just four minutes to get the rest of that taco sauce ready to ship."

Joan: "Holy shit! Hurry! Let's use the conveyor belts that also process shellfish, brownie mix and frito pie!"

Hal: "Good call!"

Inquiring minds want to know!

But getting back to rule #2 - how about this: don't try to be CUTE when you are writing the allergy information. And I don't mean I think that those little bags of honey-roasted peanuts they give you on airplanes should have to say, "Warning: contains nuts." Well shit, I hope so! What the fuck else would it contain?

Anyway -

Case in point: the cute little bit o'copywriting that inspired this post, which came from a box of brownies that my dad sent. (Yes, yes, he is a cool pops, isn't he?) So right about the point that I realize that my husband and I have plowed through about half of the brownies and I am surely in danger of turning into a chocolate whore, I see this little note: "Note: The Farm Bakery is not a nut-free place."

Well, knock me over with a fucking feather! Who could possibly expect it to be a nut-free place?
Surely not the reader of that neat little note.

I'm just wondering...which of these options is the translation of that message?

A. Some of the Farm Bakery employees have a few screws loose?
B. There are random peanuts, cashews, pistachios, etc., hanging out around the Farm Bakery?
C. This is some kind of code that only pot-smoking individuals can understand.

So, copywriters, there's your challenge. I'd hold my breath waiting for an answer, but then I'd have to write something here to explain it.

Monday, December 03, 2007

How COOL is my dad?

I think it's fitting, albeit accidentally, that my dad and a great gift are the subjects of my 100th post. (100 fucking posts?! Mon dieu! Who would have thought that much inane griping could be accomplished outside of a GOP debate?!)

First, if you haven't read Dave Barry's holiday gift guide, you really need to:

A week and a half ago or so, I sent this to my list of funny people (or rather, people who like things that are funny, and have senses of humor), including my padre. My favorite gift, I noted, was the 10 plagues bowling set.

I could not, would not make this up. It's so cool, in fact, that an enchanted reader posted a comment on the article's feedback page inquiring if said bowling set was, in fact real, because he wanted one!

Yes, Neil, there is a Santa Claus.

Today, getting home from an interview, and managing to get drenched enough in the 15-foot walk from car to front door that I looked like a wet dog, I had a package waiting for me that proclaimed to be from "your source for everything Jewish."

My family is pseudo-Jewish - I say that because our ancestry, along with being Apache, Irish, and a few other things, is Swiss Jewish, but some of the Jews I know don't consider me a "real" Jew - but I couldn't figure out what it was or who had sent it to me.

I opened it with a dull kitchen knife and lo and behold, my much dreamed-of 10 plagues bowling set!

Hooray! This made my fucking day, I tell you.

Thanks Pop!!!

**Author's note: Is it just me (and my little sister), or does one of the plagues look like a giraffe?**