Saturday, March 31, 2007

Yes, car accidents will hurt.

For the love of God, people, stop running red lights two and three cars in a row!

Is it impatience? Stupidity? A combination thereof? Is it because Portland and its surrounding communities don't turn the fucking cameras on often enough to make you people put a $250 value (cost of ticket) on your lives?

I understand if it suddenly turns yellow and then red in a split-second because of a light malfunction, or the city of Beaverton is just out to get you. (Yes, it feels that way sometimes.) But running an already red light? And two or three more of you idiots following suit? What the fuck is going on?

Not only do you take your lives into your hands, but you also take my life into your hands, and the lives of others. Do you simply count on us to wait and spot you zooming through the red in your SUV on your cell phone? (If that seems like a generalization, look at the people who shoot through red lights.) Do you think if you hit us it won't hurt you? Do you think your insurance company will be very happy and suddenly drop your rates? Have you heard of traffic fatalities and vehicular homicide?

On a side note, do you think I have nothing better to do than sit at my green light and possibly miss my turn because of your assholic driving?

My guess is, as mind-boggling as it is, you're probably just not thinking at all. That might change when you put yourself and someone else in the hospital. Does it have to get to that point?

And one more thing. Note to Oregon drivers: It rains in Oregon! About 8 months of the year or more! So don't freak out and start driving like even more of a shithead than you do already when it starts to sprinkle, OK?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Just like green eggs and ham...without eggs or ham

A couple of co-workers and I went out to get coffee on a break this morning.

One of them ordered a green tea latte.

Her latte foam was green.

I am not making this up.

Just had to share.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Interview questions we could all live without

Unless something blows up between now and Monday, I will start a new job that looks to be that elusive of all jobs: 1) fun and 2) working for a nice person.

That said, with few exceptions (including the interview with my boss-to-be), I have *hated* interviewing these past months.


Mostly because of the dumbfucks who ask such dumb fucking questions! It's almost predictable after a couple of interviews - you learn to anticipate the same worthless questions for which there are really no good (or honest) answers.

Like these:

"What would your former bosses say about you?" How to answer without sounding 1) full of myself, if I believe I have done well for former employers, or 2) like a shithead by saying I don't know? How about, "They all say I gave great head, but I suppose you'd have to decide for yourself."

"What would they say are your strengths, or what would they say you need to improve?"
Hmm. Aside from snorting cocaine on my breaks and swearing at clients and setting the office on fire, what's not to love?

"Have you ever had a conflict with a co-worker?" Well, who hasn't? Haven't we all worked with at least one asshole? But there isn't a good way to answer this, either. If you say no, they'll know you're lying. If you say yes, they ask why, which leads into my next question:

"If so, how did you handle it?" I kneed him in the balls. I signed him up for the nastiest foot-fetish porn I could find. Seriously, by looking for another job. That's why I'm sitting here in a monkey suit with you, tootsie.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" Away from idiots like you.

"How long do you plan to stay if we hire you?" This is probably the most ridiculous one yet. That depends on a number of unknowns: how well you pay me, if the boss is an asshole, if the boss tries to grab my ass, if the boss is a sexist get the point.

"Is there anything that would conflict with your ability to do this job?" Only if more than one of the above happened. But sometimes this is code for, "Do you mind being worked to death?" Yes, I do, until I take that new job as a porn star.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

10 expressions I could live without

And so could you.

What I want to know is, who the fuck came up with them? And who repeated them, and how did they become popular?

I'll steal a bit from Eddie Izzard and expand on it.

I'm talking about common expressions or old sayings that should never have been uttered in the first place!

Think about it:

"S/he doesn't suffer fools gladly." Well, who does? Do you know anyone who intentionally hangs out with idiots? (Well, a certain former employer comes to mind...but I think they were sleeping together.)

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." What kind of plans to mice make? And what makes them well-laid plans? Can anyone answer this one? Hmm? And so, are the best laid plans of women and cats the ones that never go wrong?

"A penny saved is a penny earned." Um, actually, a penny saved is a fucking penny saved. Unless you went fishing in a fountain and stole it, or found it on the sidewalk, it was already earned, wasn't it?

"Haste makes waste." How, pray tell? I'd say owning a house the size of Al Gore's, and heating and lighting the whole thing, makes a hell of a lot of waste. But haste? Usually, it just makes...well...nothing. (By the way, my great-grandmother, God love her, used this expression all the wasn't until I was out of college that I found out the second part of this expression, which she reserved for few people: "It takes money to buy good whisky." Go, great-grandma!)

"All things come to those who wait." This is such bullshit. The only things that come to those who wait are...well...actually, I can't think of anything coming to someone who waits.

"Never say never." Oh fuck off, I'll say it as much as I want! Besides, some things will NEVER deciding to go skydiving, or having lunch with a former co-worker who was about as nice as nails in your back.

"That's the way the cookie crumbles." Or, alternately, "That's the way the ball bounces." What dumbfuck came up with these? How exactly does the cookie crumble? Is there more than one way to crumble? More than one way to bounce? Enlighten me.

"It's like apples and oranges." Meaning two things are completely dissimilar. Um, hello? Those are both fruits! How about, "It's like apples and doornails," or something like that?

"Think of it as a learning experience." Translation: You just learned that you got screwed. Try not to do the same thing again to avoid having the same result.

"It's like the pot calling the kettle black." So, was this originated when it was okay to make racial slurs, or what? And in the context of crockery that speaks? What the hell?!

"You're pulling my leg." How this came to mean, "You must be kidding me," is a mystery to me. Joke = tugging on body parts? That seems a little weird even for the 1950s. Is there some hidden sexual meaning behind it? No, I think that would be, "You're pulling my dick."

Let's make haste and remove these dumb, senseless maxims from the English language. That would be a well-laid plan.