Friday, March 23, 2007


Anonymous said...

I beg to differ with you, but... anyone who hasn't spent the last five years in a cave in Afghanistan knows how marketing works. I've observed--and learned from--the best master manipulators this country has produced. Anyone can do it as long as she keeps in mind the few simple techniques that they don't teach you in school. Observe and learn.

Marketing technique #1:

"Buy our product or the terrorists win."

Brief, to the point, and effective. You don't want to contribute to the downfall of the entire country, do you? You're patriotic, right? Then buy the damned product or not only will you go down in history next to Benedict Arnold, but you'll be hearing that knock on the door that signals that agents from Homeland Security want to interview you with their anal probe.

Now granted--there are a lot of lily-livered liberals running loose in this country who might not be swayed by this marketing strategy because a)they're not patriotic and b)because too many bong hits interfere with their ability to perceive an implied threat. Which brings us to

Marketing technique #2:

"Buy our product or Bruno from HR will visit you with his tire iron."

This brief piece of marketing copy hits hard on two fronts: Fear of Bruno and his tire iron (which usually gets most people running out to purchase whatever widget we're flogging) and if Bruno fails to strike fear into the heart--there's the threat of HR. The fear of having to sit through the bs of an HR director is pretty much innate--like the fear of drowning and the fear of heights.

Actually, I liked that technique so much that I emailed it to the CIA suggesting that it would be so much more effective than the whole water-boarding thing--which has become a bit passe, don't you think?

Marketing technique #3:

Uhhh..There are two guys in suits and dark glasses knocking at the door. I'll get back to you on this one right after I see what they want.

Be right back...

Darth Weasel said...

of course, if there were any decent designs they wouldn's NEED marketing...the product would sell itself...