Friday, November 30, 2007

Definitely barking up the wrong tree

I stay in touch with a couple of legislators from my days as a political reporter - Democrats and Republicans.

Nevertheless, I was surprised to get an e-mail of introduction from a newly appointed GOP representative in Southwest Washington who has gone out of her way to speak against, among other things, gay rights.

So I kindly replied to her e-mail:

I don't know how you got my e-mail address, but I'm a die-hard, pro-choice, advocate of same-sex marriage, who's a liberal in Oregon, so you probably don't want me on your mailing list.

*Can't wait to see if and how she responds!* Chuckle.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Laughter on the tube? We can't have that!

More proof that the Brits have no sense of humor:

Going past the usual "mind the gap," the voiceover artist who was recently sacked made comments such as these:

"We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly."

* "Would the passenger in the red shirt pretending to read the paper but who is actually staring at that woman's chest please stop. You are not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert."

* "Would passengers filling in answers on their Sudokus please accept that they are just crosswords for the unimaginative and are not in any way more impressive just because they contain numbers."

* "Here we are crammed again into a sweaty Tube carriage ... If you're female smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He's probably not had sex for months."

Personally, having ridden the subways in New York all through college, I would have appreciated a bit of laughter. Not in England! Not allowed! If everyone in that country doesn't have a stick up their ass I don't know what's what.

Officially, she was fired because she said the tube (subway) was horrifying and she'd never ride it. So what's wrong with honesty? Apparently that's forbidden as well.

That fine country also made headlines in the past few months for lecturing a children's book author about fire safety - she had written about a fire-breathing dragon. Mind you, have you heard of any other kind of dragon, aside from Puff the Magic Dragon? I always felt that Puff probably envied the other dragons for their fire-breathing abilities and evil attributes...meanwhile, in Britain, his name is a slur for homosexual.

I have e-mailed my American friend who has lived in England for the past decade, asking whether it's still legal to laugh in her adopted country. I thought I heard snickering, but I can't be sure.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Shamelessly stolen from JLee's blog

Sorry babe, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

Here's a little goofy fun something to do:

What Holiday Food Are You?


***You Are a Gingerbread House***

A little spicy and a little sweet, anyone would like to be lost in the woods with you.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The insult of the day

My husband works with many idiots - among them, a 27-year-old who lives with mommy so he can afford $150 (shredded) jeans and a $40,000 Honda. ($40,000 for a Honda! Give me a fucking break!)

Anyhow, he got into a pissing contest today with another one of my husband's co-workers about - drum roll - cars. Yes, cars.

And my husband overheard the following exchange.

Idiot: "Yeah, well, at least I'm here doing this job at 27 instead of at your age!"

Don't ask me why "doing this job" - a skilled, high-tech job - isn't so hot if you're in your 40s, like the guy he was insulting.

But the follow-up was fantastic:

Guy in his 40s: "I have my own house and I get laid every night."

So naturally the idiot shut up.

And the kicker...

Not finished, the guy in his 40s took pictures of the idiot's car and posted them on Craigslist with the following ad:

"Need to sell fast to pay medical bills. Asking $5,000. Call >>>>>>>>>>"

And he included the idiot's cell phone number. Needless to say, it was ringing all afternoon.

The funny postscript is that the guy in his 40s, who we really should be calling idiot #2, is 6'5", and was enough of an asshole to make short guy jokes to yet another one of my husband's co-workers, who we'll call co-worker #3.

My guess, given the fact that idiot #2 drives a Hummer, is that some parts are a lot shorter than he'd like them to be...

But anyway, on and on he goes all afternoon, and co-worker #3 just takes it. (I should mention at this point that co-worker #3, by the way, loves to snack on fresh jalapeƱos.) Then, when idiot #2's back is turned during lunch, co-worker #3 rubs the hot dog idiot #2 was eating with one of the fresh jalapeƱos. Idiot #2 takes a bite and turns bright red from the spice.

"I didn't know she was going to get spicy hot dogs!" he says.

Serves him right...they're made of lips and assholes anyway. Takes one to know one, I suppose.

Monday, November 19, 2007

More from the 70s...

If you, like me, were born in the 1970s, you watched Sesame Street.

Scratch that, you LOVED Sesame Street.

Especially the muppets.*

Except that one big, whiny, yellow one that just annoyed the ABSOLUTE FUCK out of you.

Sorry, Carrol Spinney, I loved you as Oscar the Grouch. And I loved all of the other monsters. I have, on many occasions, imitated Cookie Monster (both the voice and the vice.) Unlike many others of my generation, I remember Harry Monster and Telly Monster. I also adored Grover, even though he was wishy-washy and sounded suspiciously like Yoda from Star Wars ... and I knew Elmo way before he was ticklish.

But just like that shirt that came out when I was in high school with Burt doing Ernie, there are some things that you just can't help laughing at...

*Disclaimer: I am a vegetarian. I've also never eaten a muppet.

Friday, November 16, 2007

To read when you need a lot of laughs

This blogger's commentary on a 1977 J.C. Penney catalog is pure comedic genius!

It makes me wonder what my parents were wearing - I was born in the 70s. I haven't found any terribly fashion-incriminating pictures of them (or of me, thank God), but they probably got this catalog in the mail.

It's like Dr. Seuss threw up.

Did they fall over roaring with laughter? Did they even notice, because it was the 70s, after all?

I suppose I should thank them for not buying the neon green shag toilet cover or the men's nightdress...

Do you remember that Dr. Seuss book, Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? I didn't know just how lucky, apparently.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Top 10 things I don't miss about my last job

No one likes to get laid off - especially over e-mail and when on vacation. But it's sort of a relief, honestly.

Here are the top 10 things I will miss the least:

1. Getting 50 e-mails every Monday morning, at least half of them with questions I have answered previously.

2. Getting another 50 over the course of the next week that begin with, "Please redouble your efforts and do what you can do bring in money..."

3. Getting an e-mail requesting that I mail yet another 100 packages of books to people who aren't interested in them.

4. Getting calls from authors who are convinced their book should be on Oprah and/or is "the next bestseller."

5. Being told the company can't afford to give myself or anyone else a raise, followed by my old boss running out and spending $600 on an iphone that he managed to lose twice in a week.

6. Having my ex-boss refuse to have in-person meetings, instead requesting e-mails, and then having him ask me to come in and clarify in person, because he did not understand the e-mails.

7. Having the 23-year-old, newly minted, moody sales guy rant and rave poetic about how much he hates working there when the boss is absent, and then kiss ass when the boss is there.

8. Dealing with one author in particular, initials BF (and not as in "Best Friend," but rather, "Badly annoying Fuckhead"), who was a huge pain in the ass with a mediocre book, but convinced that he was the next Shel Silverstein. Stick with engineering, my friend.

9. Being hourly when it was convenient for my ex-boss, and salaried when it was convenient for him, along with other flaps of labor law.

10. Not hearing the water run in the sink when my ex-boss ran in and out of the bathroom, and then watching him reach into my bag of chips to take a handful.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Tag, I'm it!

Thank you, Foster Communications, for giving me a topic to blog about~!

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?
My husband.

2.What were you doing at 0800?

3. What happened to you in 2006?
Hmm. Lost a nonprofit job, ranted a lot, gained new perspective.

4. How many beverages did you have today?
Two - water and iced mocha.

5. What color is your hairbrush?
Believe it or not...I don't have one. I use a bright fuschia comb.

6. Where were you last night?
Out eating a burrito, getting movie snacks at the store, and then at home.

7.What color is your front door?

8. Where do you keep your change?
In a bag in my desk.

9. What's the weather like today?
It sucks. It's windy and gray.

10. What's the best ice cream flavor?
Mmm...cookies and cream. Or maybe chocolate chip cookie dough.

11. What excites you?
Fundraising. Seriously! And seeing my name in print.

12. Do you want to cut your hair?
No, I'd rather pay someone else to do it.

13.Are you over the age of 25?
Pleading the fifth. Just kidding. I'm 31 and much happier now than when I was 25.

14.Do you talk a lot?
Is the Pope Catholic? Is this blog full of four-letter words? Why are you talking while I'm interrupting?

15. Do you watch the OC?

16. Do you make up your own words?
No, I leave that to my husband.

17. Are you a jealous person?
No. Unless someone else has dessert and I don't.

18. Name a friend whose name starts with an 'A'?

19. Name a friend whose name starts with a 'K'?

20. Who's the first person on your received call list?

21. What does the last text msg you received say?

22. Do you chew on a straw?
Of course. Isn't that what they're for?

23. Where's the next place you are going?
To the kitchen to make lunch.

24. Who's the rudest person in your life?
Hmmm...that would be my ex-boss who laid me off over e-mail on my vacation, I think.

25. What was the last thing you ate?
Mozzarella sticks.

26. Will you get married in the future?
I hope not, because I'm married now! I suppose I could always go nuts and lose my memory and commit bigamy.

27. What's the best movie you've seen in the last 2 weeks?
I haven't seen any - so the next best thing, I suppose, would be the best DVD - Robin Williams Live on Broadway.

28. When was the last time you did dishes?

29. Are you currently depressed?
No, but the weather sucks, so I'm currently whiny.

30. Did you cry today?

31. What was the last thing you said aloud?
Love you bye!

32. What car do you drive and what Bumpersticker(s) do you have on it?
A Saturn two-door. A Human Rights Campaign sticker that is about to come off (see prior blog.)

33. Why did you answer this and post it?
Because I got tagged...

So now I have to tag others and tell you why:

Emily - because she has made me answer so many of these damn quizzes!
Drew - because his answers are hilarious
Deb - because I don't want her to miss out on the fun!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Hypocrisy at its finest

At first thought, you might not connect a national GLBT rights group, Pat Robertson and Rudy Giuliani.

But stay with me.

Giuliani is a twice-divorced, pro-choice, pro-gay mayor of the city that Pat Robertson said got attacked by terrorists because, in part, of America's "tolerance" of homosexuality.

Robertson, who is anti-choice and, to put it mildly, a bit nuts, endorsed Giuliani's presidential campaign this week. And Giuliani basked in it.

The Human Rights Campaign, a group that proclaims it wants to "engage all Americans" and fight for "equality for all" - and in their promotional materials, this includes transgender Americans - endorsed the new Employment Nondiscrimination Act (ENDA) sans any protection for transgender people.

I'm equally disgusted with Nancy Pelosi and other members of Congress who modified this bill to exclude trans people "so it would pass."

Isn't that kind of akin to passing a civil rights bill for Hispanics but not for Blacks?

HRC and other gay rights groups have been under fire for years for not being trans-inclusive. They have talked a good game over the past couple of years about making amends for past exclusion. When HRC's executive director, Joe Solomonese, visited Portland, Oregon in 2006, he pledged that HRC would NOT support an ENDA bill that left out trans people.

But they did. Most offensively, they sent out an e-mail to members proclaiming the "victory" when the bill passed the House.

A victory for...well, some. A bitter disappointment for others - others who have given their time and money to HRC in the belief that they were helping a cause.

A cause that appears to be limited to the majority of the minority, apparently.

Why? "So it would have a better chance of passing." Never mind what's right. And hence, the comparison with Robertson, who endorsed Giuliani - even though he apparently represents everything Robertson has preached hellfire, brimstone and terror attacks against - because "he can win."

And Giuliani, a classy guy himself, having told reporters on live television that he was leaving his wife for his mistress before he told his own family, happily accepted the endorsement from a man whom many of us consider the anti-Christ.

So in other words, winning takes priority over principles. HRC is now on the level of Pat Robertson.

Thanks, fuckers. I am disgusted, not just as an American who supports equality, but as a founding member of HRC's Portland, Oregon steering committee, a longtime member and volunteer and donor. I've helped put on events, did phone banking even though I hated it, and got up at the crack of dawn for retreats. I've put up with a chairman who was a complete asshole because I thought I was helping a good cause, fighting a good fight.

That little yellow and blue sticker is coming right off of my car.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The cutest Halloween ever!

For the longest time, I was the oldest of two, and then my dad re-married, and I'm now the oldest of four. I love it! My (oldest) younger brother and I think, hey, the more, the merrier!

Tell me these two aren't the most ADORABLE trick-or-treaters you've ever seen. I double-dog dare you.

Just come out already!

OK, easier said than done.

What are the odds that two Republican politicians from Washington state, whom I've interviewed (I used to cover politics at a newspaper), who were both anti-gay, and both voted to deny GLBT citizens the basic rights that the rest of us take for granted, WERE BOTH OUTED AFTER SOLICITING OR HAVING SEX WITH A MALE PROSTITUTE? Am I a bad luck charm for them getting caught or something? ;)

One of them was apparently a crossdresser - which blows my mind because he had no fashion sense to begin with - and told police he gave a 26-year-old male model money "because he felt sorry for him." Right. This guy (who will remain nameless, because I don't see the point in dragging him even further through the mud than he has gone already) told me in an interview three years ago that all services and money should be denied to illegal immigrants and their children - who are, hello! American citizens - so I can't imagine he's a real generous gent. Certainly not the type to hand out C-notes to gorgeous younger men because he felt sorry for them.

What disturbs me the most is the fact that these people feel like they have to hide their true identities, and are seemingly self-hating to the point where they are virulently anti-gay. And anti-self, consequently.

I hope at some point I can talk to younger people and say, "Our society used to discriminate against GLBT people, can you believe that?"I hope I'm not too much older before that happens. While I live in a relatively progressive state, there are other states whose elected representatives have suggested banning GLBT citizens from teaching school, etc. Not that it's bad enough to deny them the most basic of civil rights on a daily basis.

So fellow closeted Republicans, come out, come out, wherever you are! Your party will have to begin accepting you if you come out in droves.

Or perhaps that won't leave the party with any members, which would be fabulous.