Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A rant about former coworkers

I had a conversation that involved some of you today, and I realized that I've delayed far too long in saying these two words, if only on my blog: you SUCK.

The most recent two: both men. You two are probably hung like fruit flies. And I'm sure you're sleeping together. Nothing else explains why one of you, an unemployable ignorant asshole with a penchant for racial and homophobic slurs and a single-digit IQ, is moving higher up the company food chain, although you probably have a brain even smaller than your dick, and the other one of you is promoting him and praising him to the skies for being able to tie his shoes in the morning (although they're probably velcro.)

You were probably a spoiled little boy who grew up into a spoiled little man. Not a day goes by when I don't kiss my toes that I don't have to hear you say, "I'm proud of myself!" You can't handle it when your employees do well because you aren't mature enough. If you were smarter, you'd realize how valuable they are; instead, you feel threatened and get snuggly with someone who should have stayed on the island of Yap. I hope someone takes pictures of you and posts them on the Internet. But then, you probably already subscribe to those sites.

To the other former coworker: Fuck you for complaining to HR that I said "fuck" too much, when you said it just as much as I did, and so did half the newroom! And fuck you for making shit up, like that I screamed it on the phone. Maybe if you'd spent more time getting fucked you'd be more relaxed and not such a snotty little bitch.

But you know what? You're stuck in a small town and you gained 40 pounds when you quit smoking, so I suppose you're not too happy. Not that I want you to be unhappy. I just believe in karma.

And to the former coworkers who said, without having seen my resume or clips, that I got hired at my first newspaper job because I was young and cute - well, you deserved it when I flashed you when no one was looking and you couldn't get up from your desks. You guys never bothered me again, did you? :)

Sunday, November 26, 2006

In the category of "fucking ridiculous"

As bad as Michael Richards' racist remarks were, and as inconsequential as his apology may be, I find it fucking ridiculous that the two men he insulted are, according to an attorney they've wasted no time in hiring, now asking for "compensation."

Compensation for what? For being insulted by a jackass? Does that now come with a financial reward? Would receiving a windfall of cash make his racist remarks any less harmful? Does it help the state of race relations as a whole? Or is it just the latest in what seems to be a uniquely American phenomenon...see a window of opportunity, and sue. It's downright insulting to all of the people who have worked or suffered on behalf of civil rights. For that matter, millions of gay people go through this kind of shit every day, and all they want is to have the same rights as the rest of us.

But what do I know? Maybe we should all start demanding money.

Let's see - if I had greenbacks from everyone who's targeted a sexist, racist or otherwise socially repellant remark at me, I think I could probably retire at 3o (e.g., now.) Would it do any good for anyone but me? Well, it might be satisfying to have a certain former editor pay up for asking me to "pretend to be a dumb blonde and see if there's anything new" on a particular story.

But truly, it would be laughable if it wasn't so disgusting.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving to Me

What am I thankful for today?

The fact that I don't have to go to anyone else's house for Thanksgiving.

Ah, ungrateful, you say? Nope. Here's a list of reasons why:

1. I can eat whenever I damn well please. I don't have to show up at the asked-for hour, then wait two or three hours to eat until "everyone gets settled." Typically, this means "until the football game is over." And these same people never provide snack food, you notice?

2. I don't have to wait several more hours for dessert because everyone else gorged themselves, having practically starved before the football game. In fact, I say, life is short: eat dessert first. If you don't want to, I'm sure someone else will be happy to eat yours.

3. I don't have to go to my ex-boyfriend's uncle's house where there will be prayers before the meal, prayers during the meal, prayers after the meal, and lots of discussion about what they think God intends. In fact, on the last pilgrimmage I had to make to the wacky uncle's place, he informed us that God "hadn't stopped" the terror attacks from happening. Jerry Falwell, Jr., in Northeast Portland. (These annual Thanksgiving trips were just one of the many reasons I was happy to end that relationship.)

4. I don't have to field questions about why I'm a vegetarian, what I can possibly find to eat for dinner if I don't eat meat, and why can't I just have a little turkey on Thanksgiving.

5. In fact, I don't even have to have a turkey! I deal with enough turkeys every day that I don't need one on (or at) my table on Thanksgiving.

6. There will be *no garlic* in my mashed potatoes, no nasty green bean mystery dish on my table, and no obligation to try a little bit of everything everyone brought, because I am making the food myself.

7. There will be no one present that I dislike, because I handed out the invitations.

So - here's to a dinner and day with people I actually enjoy spending time with, and food I enjoy eating.

Monday, November 20, 2006

On a lighter note...goats!

The following is a real post from craigslist:

Goats Wanted

Reply to:
Date: 2006-11-20, 8:32PM PST

Once again i looking for goats, never thought i would have such a hard time finding goats. I will give them a wonderful life, they will have 60 acres of berry brush and grass/weeds, they will drink fresh water straight from a year round creek, or from the river, they will also have a large barn to seek shelter if they like.
So if you have a goat that needs a new home, please let me know. I am able to pay a small adoption fee, i am looking to have a small herd.

Only stipulations: They must be healthy, and they must love children, and have a pleasant disposition, and love attention especially from children!

Never thought he'd have such a hard time finding goats? And how does he intend to find out if they love children? The hard way? And since when do goats come with an adoption fee?

I realize I'm a suburban kid, but, um, this is a little weird.

Not as creepy, though, as posts I've seen making people promise that, having received said goats, they will not EAT THEM.

I am not making this up.

This is what I get for looking at the "items wanted" section on craigslist.

But if it made you all laugh, it's worth it. And hey - maybe it made you realize your ambition in life is to help him with a small herd. (If so, don't tell me. I don't want to know.)

I don't know what's worse

O.J. Simpson writing a tell-all book about "how he might have" killed the mother of his children and her friend, and trying to make money from it, or the publisher and media wanting to make money from it, or the sickos who sent the now-defunct book to the top of Amazon's bestseller list. Knowing he'd make money from it!

What the fuck is wrong with this country?

I hope all of you who placed orders hang your heads in shame and give that $20 to a domestic violence shelter, you sick motherfuckers. There should be a web site outing all of you.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Hallmark, you suck

Sadly, I have had to buy probably 10 sympathy cards in the past year for friends and relatives who have lost people close to them.

So having become, unfortunately, well acquainted with the selection of condolence cards at several stationary stores, let me take this opportunity to share a few things I'd like Hallmark to take into consideration. (Ha, ha.)

1. Theme. Not everyone who loses someone is a Christian, or religious. When I am choosing a card for an athiest or agnostic, or simply choosing a card for a not very religious person whose cultural/religious background is, say, Judaism, this tends to impede the task.

2. Design. Would it be possible to create a card without a flower or a cross on it? I swear, get enough sympathy cards, and spring will make your eyes tear up because of the floral association. As for crosses, refer to the previous gripe. And what's with the glitter? Are we going to a funeral for a friend of Britney Spears? I'm sure the recipient will really appreciate wiping glitter all over his or her face when grabbing the box of kleenex. This isn't art class, you fucking jackasses.

3. Message. Can I just say: cards for people who are grieving SHOULD NOT RHYME! This should be a no-brainer, but apparently, it's rocket science. Rhyme is associated with silly, child-like, and overall *happy* times. Do cardwriters think the reader will be inspired to suddenly burst into song because of their clever cadence? Are there failed Dr. Seusses stuck working for American Greetings? I don't give a fuck! KEEP YOUR RHYMES OUT OF MY DEATH CARDS.

4. Length. "I'm here if you need me," or, "I'm sorry for your loss," should suffice, no? Why is it that many of these greeting card writers feel the need to write a fucking book? Believe it or not, I was capable of driving to the store to select a card BY MYSELF. So it's likely that I will be able to inscribe an appropriate message without your help. And PS - don't you think it would be tacky to simply sign my name under the printed message, thorough as it is?

4. Selection. Having to weed out the religious, overly flowery, overly glittery, rhyming, long-winded, and other repugnant cards, this typically leaves just one or two options. So if there were ever (and I know this is a stretch) one big pity party, and all of my friends and relatives showed up with cards I had sent in tow, they'd notice that...shit! I probably end up sending the same one or two of them. If you all ever decide to have such a get-together, I apologize in advance.

Hallmark made me do it!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Election results

I'll be as diplomatic as I can about this: fucking YAY!

I hope every ousted GOP member of Congress woke up Wednesday, Nov. 8, singing, "So lonely..."

Now here's a simple message for you Democrats: Please don't fuck up. This wasn't a mandate for you; it wasn't a mandate for social progress, sadly, as anti-gay measures passed in seven states. Primarily it was a fuck-you for Bush, the war, and the over-reaching of overly zealous right-wing, Constitution-shredding, environment-trashing, irresponsible, scandal-ridden corporate whores.

So please! Get us out of Iraq. Make progress on some of the civil rights we've lost. Give us some of the respect back that we've lost from the international community in the past six years. Because millions of us will want to commit hari kiri or move country if there is a GOP president in 2008. This country simply can't handle anymore.

Monday, November 06, 2006

A little levity

Sick of getting e-mail forwards? A solution was so forcefully, yet eloquently written by a friend of mine that I just had to post it:

Dave--what have I done to piss you off?
I have politely asked you not to send me your xenophobic, inaccurate forwarded emails, and yet you continue to do so.
I have demanded that you refrain from sending me this crap--at one point I even called you a racist--to which you wrote back and said that you are a bigot, not a racist and continued to forward every racist, or sexist email that you came across.
I've tried refuting them, I've tried shaming you, I've tried everything but threats. You've left me little choice, Dave. DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT OR I WILL BE FORCED TO TELEPHONE YOU BETWEEN 2 A.M. AND 5 A.M. TO LET YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING SICK OF IT I AM!!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

More things that piss me off

I did some phone banking for a pro-GLBT rights group last night. (That's not the part that pissed me off.) We were calling people who were identified as pro-equality voters and encouraging them to go out and vote, and letting them know the candidates we felt would best fight for equality. (That didn't piss me off either.) Problem is...the list was more than two years old. So we had lots of dud numbers, even some people who had broken up/divorced, etc., so in effect we called their exes. (Didn't piss me off, but was really embarassing.)

So what pissed me off, you ask? The people that only wanted to know the political affiliation of the candidates. Mind you, one of the candidates is running for Oregon Supreme Court justice, which is a non-partisan (at least theoretically) position.

So I'd get callers interrupting and asking, "Are they Democrats? We're voting for Democrats."

Granted, I vote for Democrats much, much more frequently than I vote for GOP candidates. Not because I love D's - in fact, it royally pisses me off that only recently have they decided to show spine about the war in Iraq and civil rights because it's politically popular to do so - but because on most issues, they're better, or at least the lesser of two evils, than Republicans.

The Republican party can't claim to be "conservative", at least if we judge by the speech and actions of its main figures. Unlike traditional Republican party values, they've become fiscally radical, moved from somewhat isolationist to downright invasive Colonials in terms of foreign policy, and have let the far-right dominate their agenda, moving to invade peoples' privacy and create big government (once upon a time, believe it or not, Republicans were pro-privacy and anti-big government.) Furthermore, they have shredded the Constitution (remember that right called "habeas corpus"?)

So you see - I'm not a Republican.

That said, I really wish more people would do their homework and make intelligent decisions at the polls based on a candidate's merits, rather than his or her political party. There are plenty of anti-gay, pro-war Democrats. There are even a few anti-war, fiscally responsible, pro-equality Republicans.

Take Lincoln Chafee, the Republican Senator from Rhode Island. Or Rep. Christopher Shays of Connecticut. Or former Congressman Tom Campbell of California, who is now the state's finance director. All of these men are reasonable, have good records and seem to want to do what is right rather than what is politically expedient.

For that matter, consider Joe Lieberman - a "Democrat" who constantly defends the Bush administration's fucked up policies, an unjust war we are losing, and didn't hesitate to shed his political stripes when he lost the primary. Or Tim Sheldon, a state senator in Washington and a really reprehensible person, also a Democrat in name only, whose own party supported someone else in the primary.

So, people - do your homework. Voting along party lines may be voting against your values.