And here is the fucking joke of the day

We got a couple of inches of snow, and, being unprepared as fuck all like we normally are in Oregon - despite the fact that we get snow every year, and blizzards every four or five years - guess what? Gridlock. Ice. Snow. Plows coming out several hours AFTER it started and there were already wrecks. People driving STUPIDLY and crashes everywhere.

It took me four and a half hours to get home 11 miles. And I am claustrophobic.

But guess what?

The forecast reads (still!!):

PRECIPITATION TYPE WILL BEGIN AS SNOW... SLEET AND/OR FREEZING RAIN THIS AFTERNOON... THEN TRANSITION TO JUST RAIN LATER THIS EVENING.

EVEN THOUGH LITTLE OR NO ACCUMULATION IS EXPECTED... IT IS POSSIBLE THAT SOME LOCATIONS MAY RECEIVE UP TO ONE HALF OF AN INCH...


You've got to love meteorologists. It's not like they get fired if they call it wrong.

Elsewhere in the country, you should definitely be laughing at us, because all of this was caused by two inches of snow. TWO INCHES!!! Who says size doesn't matter?

All that glitters

Is sending holiday cards a dying art? I seem to be getting fewer each year. (Thank you, btw, to those of you who sent cards. I have them up on the bookcase.)

I found what I thought were sweet, nondenominational cards that I could send to friends and family that celebrated Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid, Festivus...OK I'm kidding, but you get the point.

The only trouble was that there was much more glitter coming off of the cards than staying on them. I feel like the Tinkerbell of Hallmark.

There was glitter on my table, on the floor, on me - even in my coffee at work. And my boss somehow got it on his face (I didn't volunteer where it might have come from.)

My friend's husband opened their card and got it all over the front of his pants. "Now I have glittery balls for Christmas!" he reportedly told her.

Another friend, who works at a nonprofit where we made a donation this year, wrote me a personal thank-you note that was inscribed, "What? No glitter came with your check? I'm so disappointed!"

I e-mailed a colleague ahead of time, letting him know about the glitter and that it didn't come from anyone exotic, just little me.

His reply: "Being single with no prospects, anything that resembles a woman or an adult dancer is great!"

Um. How do you reply to an e-mail like that?

"Better luck in 2010!"

Ghosts of presents past

One of the great things about kids is their honesty.

Mr. RK's nephew opening his first present from us: "I have this one already."

Thank God for gift receipts...although he decided to take it to his dad's house and have one of each at each house. He seemed to like his other presents a lot.

Don't you wish you could have a moment of unpunished honesty when you get presents that are not of your liking?

For years, my grandparents sent the most god-awful presents - mainly from the Avon catalog - and one year, my dad and my uncle realized my grandmother had gotten them both the same dog-on-the-moon thermal drink holder. (I'm not making this up. Avon has a special, detailed ugliness that only Avon can have.)

Some of the gifts were downright hilarious though - especially the ones from the grandmother whom we all refer to as "Grandma Flippy." Grandma Flippy has sent me things such as a size 3XL shirt with a bear on it (I am a petite, 5'3" person); athletic knee socks that came up to mid-thigh (sports kink, anyone?); a gold nugget on a chain; and this year, a huge glittery snowflake necklace (chain tangled) that might be appropriate if I was still eight. Bonus: two holes in the box where earrings were - except Grandma Flippy removed them and presumably gave them to someone else!

When I was a reporter, I wrote a column about this one year, hoping to inspire Dave Barry-like laughs. I got five nasty letters to the editor, from people threatening to adopt my grandparents. I'm not making this up. Some people have no sense of humor.

If I added up all of the Christmas presents I gave passed on to Goodwill over the years, I'd probably have enough deductions to interest the IRS.

I could care less about the actual physical getting of presents. What I really enjoy is the thought that is put into them. Mr. RK's mom, for instance, put God knows how many hours into making a gorgeous cloth Christmas book with pictures of our kitties. She is very talented and could sell this stuff for lots of money, but I am the beneficiary!

And in addition to my Debbie Harry Ladies of the 80s doll, Mr. RK got me a Charlie Brown DVD that I had apparently mentioned a year and a half ago (!!)

"We were looking at a list of Charlie Brown specials online," he reminded me, "and you said you hadn't seen that one. So I checked every few months until it was available."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
That makes up for the years of kinky knee socks, methinks.

Merry Christmas!

Enjoy your holidays and hopefully some laughs.

If you can't play the video, go to this link:
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=MuppetsStudio&annotation_id=annotation_967836&feature=iv

A constant

I've had a hard time putting anything into words today. Shock at a friend's terrible news that her mom, a sweet lady, has been hit hard and fast by cancer and is in hospice. Anger or hurt, I'm not sure which, about two so-called "friends" who seem to have fallen off of the globe. Who knows? Perhaps the world is flat after all - or people are more shallow than I thought.

Reflecting at year's end and not believing it's going to be 2010. Doesn't that seem like it should be some far-off futuristic year? Decade?

Which brings the subject of changes - some things, however, and some people, are a constant.

I'd like to think that some things are meant to happen, that some people are meant to meet.

Nearly 12 years ago I spent a weekend in Washington, D.C., apartment hunting. I had been planning to move there. Over the course of the weekend I changed my plans but I also met a slightly shy, funny, sweet guy named Mike D.

We have never lived in the same place - not even close. But we became friends just about instantly and we are friends still. We have been friends through good times, tough times, VERY tough times, and in-between times, through relationships, good and bad, and lots and lots of letters, e-mails, books and Aerosmith music.

Who says the constants in our lives are boring? Not this guy. I wish he just lived down the street.

Mike D, I miss you! I hope you are staying warm in that snowstorm and that it hasn't carried off any cows.*

*A reference to a cow that was tipped over by a tornado in his hometown of Ellington, CT.

Customer service 101

I apparently caught the ick that my parents were coming down with when I left Saturday. This is irritating not just because I can't work out, cook, or stay at work for very long, but also because I am so foggy that my brain is having trouble processing things.

Nevertheless, I know asinine behavior when I see it (is there such a noun as asinism? If not, there should be.)

And this behavior came from - surprise! - someone in customer service at the cell phone company. I am tolerant of their fuck-ups to a certain extent because they're a nonprofit and donate to the charities their members (me) vote on. However, sometimes they're a little grassroots in their organizational skills (or lack of them.)

Don't think I am unsympathetic to the hell that is customer service, because both Mr. RK and I have worked in it and during that time, I think we both wanted to make quite a few voo doo dolls.

I pay my bills online, because 1) it's convenient and 2) I want to save paper. And, 3) because there were a couple of times that I have not received my bills in the mail and I like to pay them on time.

With the cell phone company, occasionally I don't get an e-mail bill, either. This has happened several times and I always get the same form response: "Please check your spam filter, contact your internet provider," etc.

Hello! I grew up in Silicon Valley. I know how to check the spam filter.

This time, when I realized I hadn't gotten a bill for awhile, I e-mailed the cell phone people and wrote, "Please don't tell me to check the spam filter or contact my internet company - I've done both many times and this problem is on your end."

Reply e-mail:

"Dear Ms. RK,
I am very sorry but I am not able assist you this information via email. I do not have an email address on file for you to verify if you are in fact this member.

Would you please give us a call at the number below to add your email address to your account or set up a password? We now require this information to release information on the account via email. This is for security purposes and for your protection."

Apparently the fact that she is E-MAILING ME TO MY E-MAIL ADDRESS is lost on her. I replied,

"My e-mail address IS on file and I do have an account with a password. Why would I be e-mailing you, pretending to be someone else to pay someone else's bill?"

A valid question, no?

So today I got an e-mail apologizing from a supervisor and someone is going to contact me. Ha. If the e-mail arrives, I'll let you know.

The apple doesn't fall that far...

We have what people have started calling a "blended" family. Personally, I think this is hilarious - what are we, a smoothie? A milkshake? An iced coffee drink?

Anyway, I probably relate to my "stepbrother" - my dad adopted him when he was 1 1/2 and I just think of him as my brother - better than I relate to most people. He's 13 going on 40.

He loves books, coffee and chocolate. For years we have secretly believed that we somehow share DNA. And when I sent him this adorable picture of my cats cuddling, this is what he sent back.

There's no doubt now!