Thursday, January 10, 2008

Ways to meet women, by a complete idiot

So I was confronted with this bit of inanity on the Yahoo homepage when I went to check my e-mail. The link is too long to post here, but google "Yahoo personals" and "David Wygant" and you'll find it.

It's worth reading just for the laughs.

It's also SO BAD I had to share it with all of you.

Granted, I've had my share of lousy pickup lines, including, but not limited to:

"Is that salad good?" (In a restaurant, while I had my mouth full.)

"Will you pay for me to get my nosed pierced tonight?" (While walking into a record store.)

"Would you rather I be a gentleman, or tell you that I'd like to sleep with you tonight?" (On a blind date that, naturally, bombed.)

I assume Mr Wygant's article was meant for men like these. If you don't have time to read the whole thing (or fear you might snort your drink through your nose while laughing), here's my two (or three or four) cents and a quick summary:

Three Key Ways to Meet Women
According to David Wygant (who I'm willing to bet money is single)

God knows how Mr. Wygant got this gig - all it says is that he is "special to Yahoo personals" - and God knows WHY they posted this on the homepage.

He is indeed special, as you will find out.

But anyway - his three keys are, and I'm not making this up, are as follows:

1. Observe What She Is Doing
As opposed to totally ignoring her, if you have eyes, I suppose this is a good thing. Rather basic though. And you really shouldn't stare, because, well, that's just creepy.

2. Act on the Observation.
If you see a woman texting frantically, Mr. SexGod Wygant suggests a man approach her and inquire, "Is your friend late?"

Here's another gem:
For instance, if a woman is ordering a double espresso, the thing to talk about is usually the first thing that comes to your mind.A typical guy might say, "Do you like coffee?" which leads to a yes or no answer. A man who is 100 percent present will look at her and say, "Rough night last night?" or "Busy day ahead?"

In my book, this would be a man who is 100 percent DESPERATE and can't come up with anything else to say. My reply would probably be, "Yes, my husband kept me up all night with naughty sex."

The rationale by Mr. Wygant:

"In order to properly act upon the observation, you need to open her up and evoke a feeling."

The only thing it would evoke from me would be a) the creeps and/or b) the thought that it was a really dumb pickup line.

Step 3: Listen to What She Has to Say.

"In order to have good conversation and bond with a woman, you need to listen to what she says."

I'm not making this up. But as we've all noticed, there are some really stupid guys out there who might not know to do this otherwise.

I'd add step 4: Look at my mouth when I'm talking, and not at my boobs.

Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Nothing makes a girl feel special and pretty like some total stranger coming up to her in the morning and kindly asking, "Rough night last night?"

Jessica said...

What at asshat. So much for that whole "write what you know" mantra.

JLee said...

haha..just his name alone makes me wonder about the guy. ha
I am laughing about your stirrup pants post too. I am proud to say I never owned a pair and won't even under threat of death.
I like that you changed to "riot kitty" because a. it suits you and b. I got tired of typing "jrwoodchuckette" haha

Green tea said...

Thanks for stopping by my makes me nervous to know how many good writers are checking it out.

I'm off to a luncheon..have to go press my stirrup pants.. :D

Riot Kitty said...

Hey everyone - I never had any stirrup pants, either!

Green Tea: Thanks!

JrWoodchuckette was a nickname because of a friend who I called Senior Woodchuck, who made references to the "Junior Woodchuck Manual" to encourage me when I needed it. (Remember Huey, Duey and Louie?) I'll post about it sometime...