Friday funny

Actually, it was a Thursday funny...but it's funny today, too, and I've had kind of a fucked up day, so here's making it better by hoping I will make other people laugh.

(Note to the little bro: this is an R-rated blog. Skip it!)

So Darth went to see The Dark Knight with Mr. Riot Kitty and I last night, and afterwards, he was talking about how he kicked ass in a game of golf, even though he hadn't played in a year and his fellow players were much more experienced. (Note: Darth is modest, but it became apparent to all of us that he had kicked ass.)

He said, "It's funny, when you play golf - the harder you try, the more you suck."

And I blurted out, "Hmm, sounds like oral sex!"

And I think I embarrassed him because he ran away and called out, "Let me know how that works out for you, Mr. Riot Kitty!"

But there you are - there's a laugh, and a clever one, if I do say so myself. It's one thing I haven't fucked up this week!

And a postscript...I keep telling Mr. Riot Kitty that he needs to start a blog about things he has overheard at work, because they're hilarious.

Sometimes unintentionally hilarious, because many of his coworkers speak English as their second language - or, in this guy's case, their third language. (Puts most of us to shame, doesn't it?)

Today's exchange:

Scene: The breakroom. Someone left a bag of hotdogs in the fridge. It leaked.

Coworker (in heavy Lao accent): "Brad's hotdog is leaking. I get it. I clean it up."

*Raucous laughter*

Coworker:"English is not my first language. I said something again, and I don't know what it was!"

*More raucous laughter.*

Your life as a movie soundtrack

My friend Mike D gave me this one...I tag all of you! Pardon the cheese, but I grew up in the 80s, you see...

SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR (my) LIFE:

1.)OPENING CREDITS: The Bitch is Back - Elton John

2.)WAKING UP SCENE: Blue Sky - Patty Griffin

3.)CAR DRIVING SCENE: Brand New Car - The Rolling Stones

4.)HIGH SCHOOL FLASHBACK SCENE: Cold As Stone - A-ha

5.)NOSTALGIC SCENE: Ticket to Ride - The Beatles

6.)BITTER, ANGRY SCENE: Kiss That Girl Goodbye - Sheryl Crow

7.)BREAK-UP SCENE: Closer (NIN)

8.)REGRET SCENE: Annie Lennox's Cover of Castles Burning

9.)NIGHTCLUB/BAR SCENE: Blue Jean - David Bowie

10.)FIGHT/ACTION SCENE: Siouxie and the Banshees - This is a Happy House
(it would be an argument scene, actually)

11.)LAWN MOWING SCENE: Ha! As if!

12.)SAD, BREAKDOWN SCENE: Georgia On My Mind - Ray Charles

13.)DEATH SCENE: My Immortal--Evanescence

14.)FUNERAL SCENE: Instrumental song from the Dracula Soundtrack

15.)MELLOW/POT SMOKING SCENE:  Mellow - no pot smoking here - but if I had to have one, Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat - Bob Dylan

16.)DREAMING ABOUT SOMEONE SCENE:  Manic Monday - The Bangles

17.)SEX SCENE:  Not answering this one because the little bro reads the blog!

18.)CONTEMPLATION SCENE: One is the Loneliest Number - cover by Aimee Mann

19.)CHASE SCENE:  Theme from Ironman (but who would I be chasing? Ben & Jerry's?)

20.)HAPPY LOVE SCENE: Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith

21.)HAPPY FRIEND SCENE: B-52s - Private Idaho

22.)CLOSING CREDITS: Walking With A Ghost - White Stripes

His name is Earl...Earl Grey!

Really!

When we went to the shelter to adopt Mr. Lucky a couple of months ago, Earl ran right up to us and rubbed against our legs like he was our new best friend. (Geez, how often can a sentence like that one come up?!)

We knew Vladi's time was limited, and resolved to adopt a buddy for Lucky when Vladi went to cat heaven. Friday, when that happened, we both felt really depressed and I seriously thought about not getting any more pets - but then, who can resist a cute, cuddly, furry Brit? ;)

When we went to the cat shelter Saturday, he jumped right up in my lap. That settled it!

I don't know why adult cats have a hard time getting adopted. To me, it's a no-brainer. They're already settled into their personalities, are house-trained, and extremely grateful to have a forever home. Sort of like getting married.

Although the name Earl conjures up images of someone around 68 who'd wear checked plaid shirts, drive a van, eat ham sandwiches with Wonder bread and hang out with my grandfather to talk about the Eisenhower years, I have to admit it's cute to have a cat named after tea.

And PS...he and Mr. Lucky were buddies at the shelter, so it's a Lucky and Earl reunion! (Get it? Or don't you listen to Paul Simon?)

Chase air chickens with no wings...

To start - a note to God and/or the universe - wtf?! I have now lost THREE cats in a year, in addition to a close relative. Enough's enough!

Vladimir (aka the Fluffy White Fuck) never really bonded with any of us - but he was a purebred and it wasn't really his fault.

I am against breeding animals. My mother got Vladi for my brother when my brother was 9, so he had a good long life - but it was full of problems that come with being purebred. Like being stupid and going deaf.

We had to make a horrible decision that sent Vladi to cat heaven yesterday. He had been going downhill for a few years, then more sharply this year, and in the last 24 hours he wouldn't eat or drink, and was getting sick on himself. He had lost 20 percent of his body weight in a month, poor guy.

So while it wasn't as bad a loss as Sev or Rocco - that was like losing family members, and Vladi was more like a weird uncle who slept in the closet - it's still sad.

So rest in peace, FWF, and I hope you find some air chickens with no wings, as Nik says.

Breaking news! This is blog #200!

If you were at The Oregonian, that would be considered hot stuff.

Since 9/11, they've felt compelled to have a "breaking news" link on their web site. The only problem is that there's not always something newsworthy to post.

So during the past week we've had such critically important stories as, "Eugene man sentenced for selling fake software," "Clearing today, high 73 degrees," and - I am not making this up - "Man on Max train regains lost hat."

Unless that hat was the decomposing corpse of an ex-president, pray tell, why is this "breaking" news?

If they're that desperate, they should call my house.

I have some ideas:

"Fluffy white fuck pees on floor - AGAIN!"

"New cat gets his tail caught in blinds, hangs like pendulum" (I wish I was making that up.)

"Dust continues to build; marriage threatened by mutual refusal to clean"

"Riot Kitty and Mr. Riot Kitty have sex without condoms!"

"Mr. Riot Kitty goes on strike; sick of making DQ runs"

"Crisis! Riot Kitty ponders worldwide shortage of cheese enchiladas"

So what would you write?

And speaking of great quotes...

There is a creepy old man who likes to wander around the parking lot in my apartment complex smoking - and he has come up to my husband, entered his garage, with the cigarette, multiple times - despite being asked not to smoke there - when he isn't busy driving like an asshole.

So it didn't surprise me that he gave some pornographic playing cards to our beloved maintenance guy, who happens to be gay, and said they should "straighten him out."

Fucker. I was waiting for the opportunity to step on his foot (or elsewhere) and make it look like an accident.

So the other day my husband is walking by the maintenance guy's garage on the way to his own garage, and he sees him talking to the old asshole guy. And overhears this...REALLY loud:

"So yes - I just LOVE COCK!!! I have no idea why!"

Obviously he was needling the old fuck, and more power to him!

So this song is for our guy who's true to himself...

Sucking down 10-inch noodles and the Snoopy fuck-you machine

I am so excited - my 29-year-old brother got me a Snoopy Sno-Cone (their misspelling, not mine) machine for an early b.day present for me! I had one in the late 70s/early 80s, and it was one of the many cool toys my bio mother threw out because she was constantly getting rid of our toys to make room for god knows what. (More husbands, I think.)

Anyway, I am down in California and I think - A-ha! - It's a brilliant idea to make snow cones with this contraption for my (other) little brother and my little sister.

I am here to tell you that all of those commercials, showing a child effortlessly cranking the ice grinder and the ice seamlessly flowing out of the machine, are absolute fakes.

It should be called the Snoopy Fuck-You machine, or, as my youngest brother calls it, the Snoopy Slow-Cone machine.

Should you decide to try to make these with this "machine" at home, don't say I didn't warn you of the following truths of the Snoopy Sno-Cone machine:

1. It is not a machine. The "simple machine" is your arm cranking the lever.
2. It takes a hell of a lot of pressure to hold down the Snoopy on top (who, incidentally, looks like he's wearing a cherry condom on top of his little white head), while simultaneously hurting the fuck out of your wrist, while trying (the key word here is trying) to turn the crank.
3. All of this work will result in not even a spoonful of ice, which will have melted by the time you get the equivalent of the next spoonful.
4. Kern's Strawberry-Banana flavored juice tastes like shit.

As a funny aside, we had lunch in North Beach in San Francisco today, and my 12-year-old brother was slurping down his spaghetti (literally) from his fork. I looked at him and said, "That's what spoons are for."

He grinned and my dad asked what we were talking about.

I replied, "He was sucking down a ten-inch noodle..."

And then we all started cracking up.

My dad said, "I don't think that's what Mom wants to hear that you did in San Francisco this afternoon!"

And my brother replied, "No, I'm not old enough yet."

;)