Don't hike in sandals

Just saying. When your little brother is visiting and you take him to the Columbia River Gorge, dress appropriately.

DO NOT under any circumstances hike more than a mile up to the top of a waterfall in sandals and a skirt so short it barely covers your ass.

So, can you guess what I did yesterday?

We hiked all the way to the top! Yes, that bit.

My bro was very patient as I kept trying to remember which bend we were turning around to reveal an amazing view. So we had several. Who the hell knows how we had signal up there.

I really, really, REALLY wanted to turn back, wearing less-than-appropriate gear. But I kept seeing people much older than me, and some really out of shape people, coming down, so we kept going. Mind you, they probably all died right after they passed us, but we made it to the top.

Not exactly a Kardashian selfie, because I don't feel the need to show my boobs with my family present. Call me particular.

One more reminder of why it's helpful to have a red car. You can spot it even from 2,000 feet up!

I have to ask all of the parents out there - I'm not a parent myself, but I'm thinking it wasn't the brightest idea for some hikers to drag their three- and four-year-olds with them? You'd think you'd be save from screaming children at 5,000 feet, but...nope.

Again, I suppose, this was why velcro was invented. I should have checked the shoes.

Dear friend~

Dear Mark,

I've thought several times about posting funny stuff or things to take my mind off of what was going on with you and my uncle, and then you realized it was OK to stop fighting the last of the cancer battle. You said you couldn't have made it the rest of the year. We knew this day was coming, but I still can't believe you won't be coming over for pasta, or that we won't be going out for coffee.

I remember meeting you my first week of work, more than six years ago. You spilled ice water at our luncheon - you talk about a (literal) icebreaker. We became friends, you and Mr. RK and your wife and me, almost instantly.

You told me that years before that, you had lost your son to bipolar disorder. You could have curled up and hidden away with your pain, and the world would have understood that - but you didn't. Instead, you spent thousands of hours educating people about this cause. You trained police officers and first responders. You spoke at events. You volunteered for organizations that seek to educate and de-stigmatize the judgement that surrounds mental illness. As a pastor, you brought in communities of faith to work with the nonprofits to do education.

You said, "God is too big to fit into one religion." You thought ice cream was the most important part of our biggest event!

I told you the last time I saw you that you had made a huge difference in the lives of many. I can only imagine what it was like recounting your family's story. You probably relived the pain every time you shared - but you did it in hopes that other people wouldn't have to go through the same pain.

Your son's picture was your phone's screen saver, 10 years after he died. A life unfinished.

I feel the same way about yours. You were only a couple of years older than my dad.

You were so funny. You never lost your sense of humor, despite the hard and terrible things you and your family had gone through. When you saw the Muppets movie with your granddaughter, you said it was "far-fetched." It took me a minute to get that.

You said you'd be a vegan, too, if animals weren't made out of meat.

You said you weren't afraid of dying, that you were looking forward to being reunited with your wife and son. You faced this terminal illness head on, wearing a button and a bracelet that said, "Pancreatic cancer sucks."

Indeed it does. It was hard to watch you at times when you were on the verge of giving up. It was harder to watch when the cancer took over.

I'm thankful that you aren't in pain anymore, but when this sinks in, I'll start to miss you.

I'm thankful that I had the privilege of being your friend. 

Odds and ends

Things are still rough for loved ones (yes, plural) - let's just say cancer sucks. Thank you for all of your kind wishes. Now, in attempt to cheer myself up, and any others who may just want to laugh, this post is for us.

Last night I went to a small event that was a fundraiser for an organization where I am on the board. Its mission overlaps with that of my organization, and I dragged 16 people I know through work to this event. It was nice to be informal and joke around (some helped by wine), and I found out two things I had in common with someone I know because of legislative stuff: 1. he is a preacher's kid like me, and 2. fuck is also his favorite word.

Don't ask me how this came up. But I got to show everyone pictures of a shirt that my dad designed and sent just for me!

Yes, I do have the coolest dad ever. My friend asked me to let him know that she's up for adoption.

I'm thinking about things that pop into my head that I would like to make standardized, socially appropriate questions. Last night one of the guests emailed me two hours before the dinner, asking what to wear. I suggested business casual. OK, fine. Then she texts me twenty minutes after the event started. "Where do I park?"

To which I wanted to reply, "Are you a grownup?"

Wouldn't that be cool as a socially acceptable, standardized question/reply to asinine requests?

I got into it once again with our national organization today. Never mind the fact that the big event in May was the biggest one we've ever had, and is on track to raise more than we've ever raised. Here's the conversation, shorthand:

Him: You have XX number of participants who haven't raised any money.
Me: Actually most of them have. But the website is difficult sometimes, so they send in checks rather than raise money online.
Him: Why aren't they posting the information about check donations on their own web pages?
Me: Refer to my earlier response.
Him: Why don't you do it for them? (Background: around 1,800 people register for the event online. He's asking me to manually enter every fucking check for them on their individual web pages so they can show their friends. There are about $26,000 in checks so far.)
Me: Seriously?
Him: Other sites do it. (I'm sure a similar argument has been made for putting firecrackers up your ass, would you do that?)
Me: I don't have time to hold the hands of 1,800 people who can't figure out your (shitty) website.
Him: Don't you have volunteers?
Me: Yeah - and here are the 100 more valuable things they do for us, like help people get resources when they're in crisis. You know, we have a lot more going on than this event.
Him: I hear that a lot.
Me: And you know why? Because it's true!

And then I said this, verbatim:

"Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck what other sites do. I'm grumpy and I don't appreciate you chewing on me, and I'm not talking about this anymore!"

I followed this with an email full of stats - how many resource request calls we've gotten last year (almost 2,000), how many people we directly served with our staff of three (more than 8,300), how we've added an entire new program this year than I am managing.

But being able to use the words "flying fuck" at work was rather satisfying, as was the fact that I knew my boss would approve. In fact, I think that should be a socially acceptable standardized reply to asinine requests as well.

Wouldn't you agree?

If this isn't nice, what is?

Most of you probably know I'm a huge fan of Kurt Vonnegut. Even though he went to heaven seven years ago (bonus points if you get that), his estate is still finding ways to churn out books, most recently in a volume of graduation and award acceptance speeches. (Highly recommend this, by the way.)

Among other things, he recalls that his uncle Alex taught him to stop and enjoy nice moments in life. No easy feat for a guy who battled bad depression his entire adult life, but he made it a point to share that story. They'd have, say, lemonade on a nice day, and his uncle would stop and say, "If this isn't nice, what is?"

Since my uncle had his stroke random stories and memories have been popping into my head. When he was married to my aunt, they lived near us in California and we spent lots of holidays and other occasions there. My uncle was always hilarious, even when talking about and dealing with things that would have made other people see sideways. Even in the hospital, he recently told my dad, "I'm getting out of here one way or another!"

He has always had a way, in effect, of saying what Kurt Vonnegut's uncle said.

Here are some snippets:

- Shortly after their 20th anniversary, my aunt said in a dreamy voice, "Wow, it doesn't feel like 20 years." My uncle: "No, it feels more like...19!" (They got divorced a couple of years later.)

- On the fact that their first house wasn't selling after they had moved out of state (after having rented it to college students): "I went to check it out and found out what the deal was. I called the realtor and said, 'Hello! The house isn't selling because there are 1,234 holes in the wall, and a PASTEL PICTURE OF GARFIELD has been drawn on the wall!'"

- They were notorious for letting their four kids, my cousins, have free reign growing up. At the ripe old age of six, my cousin Eve got mad at my uncle and spouted off, "Dad, you're an asshole!" We were silent and shocked. Later on that afternoon, she got mad at him for taking "her" chair. He quipped, "What do you expect from an asshole?"

- He told us that my dad asked him his GPA in graduate school. It was a 4.0. Then my dad apparently said, "Hey, my sister is coming into town this weekend, would you like to meet her?" My uncle: "Well apparently it was a good thing I didn't have a 3.5!"

And on one visit, the main entree was ham, which always made me ill even before I became a non-meat eater. He saw that I was uncomfortable, and without me saying much of anything, he got up from the table and started cooking me a piece of turkey.

Now if that isn't nice, what is?

Ridiculous and ridiculouser

First, the shitty news: my uncle who already has cancer had a major stroke. My dad got to see him last week and then he took a turn for the worst. I'm sending flowers because a card might not make it in time. Fuck.

Now, for the distractions. Is it me, or is there just a lot of ridiculous shit going on right now?

*Ninja edit!~ When I challenged you to top all that, I meant the ridiculous stuff, not my own personal family stuff. Sorry about that...I'm not trying to make you break out the kleenex.*

Some examples...

1. Trying to take Magneto seriously as a bad guy when he's wearing bellbottoms. (Yes, I loved the new X-Men, but most of it was set in 1973.)

2. One of my employees asking permission to spend $200 on a fee for us to go to an event, without including any information whatsoever. I request details. She sends none, and asks again. I bang my head against the desk. No, not really, but only because I opened the email at home.

3. The kiddo being picked up for shoplifting because he ran out of food money...but he has plenty of pot. (Major desk banging here.)

4. Speaking of X-Men, all of a sudden Nicholas Hoult looks just like my fucking brother!

OK, without the makeup. About the same amount of fur, though.

5. A trip to the store did not get along with Mr. RK. He got no ATM receipt, misunderstanding the instructions, took out too little cash, and then the entire store was out of one dollar bills, so he got $4.78 in change. As in coins.

There. Top all that. I double dog dare you.

Monsters

I'm not judging him - that's trivia that Mr. RK found after we saw the movie last night. Apparently, Japanese fans of the gigantic fucking monster think his latest American incarnation is a bit too chubby. Maybe he just needs to realize that cookies are a sometimes food...

Anyhow. I thought the cheering during the monster scenes was just because we were in a theater pub where they served beer, but my friend K said there was cheering during the same scenes in a regular theater.  I don't drink and I joined in too, because, hey! Monsters!!

Speaking of monsters, am I the last person to find out that the Ewoks were furry little man eaters? Mr. RK informed me of this the other night. Don't ask me how this came up. This is our household.

Naive me: "WHAT? They were eating people?!"
Mr. RK: "Well, when they strung up the rebels in that net, and started a fire over a spit, what did you think they were going to do?"
Me: "Oh."
Mr. RK: "And you remember at the end, how they were playing drums on Storm Trooper helmets? And all of those Storm Troopers who died in the battle? What do you think they did with the rest of them? THEY ATE THEM!"

You talk about bursting my bubble. If our cats had opposable thumbs, I know they'd take over the world, but now I'm not sure I want to know what else they'd do.

The rant you've been waiting for

Here it is. And it's also my 900th post. Yay, me! That's a lot of rants.

First off, thank you for the financial and moral support for me, my cause, and my event. A couple of people have asked where to donate. Thank you - here is the link.

Now, the fun begins. Here are some real questions I've been asked at the last minute/situations I've encountered, along with the answers I would like to have given. Oh, and after a week of gorgeous, sunny weather, it's supposed to rain - and maybe have thunderstorms - tomorrow. I can't wait until this is over.

Q: Hey, RK, I'd like to come to the event tomorrow. What do I do?
A: Well, seeing as how you had to look at a website to get my contact info - and that website also had EVERY FUCKING DETAIL ABOUT THE EVENT on it - maybe you should be more concerned about, say, successfully tying your shoes on the way there. Wait, there's velcro.

Q: Hey, RK! I will bombard you with questions even though I am admittedly not good with computers, but insisted on setting up a web page for my team and one for myself. Then I'll ignore every response you give me, and ask the question again, in hopes of getting you to do my work for me.
A: Clearly you can't read, which makes me wonder: how did you go online and set this up in the first place?

Q: Hey, RK, I heard there was a big event the same day. What are the road closures?
A: My real answer was, "Please refer to the FAQ I sent, as well as the email I sent yesterday to everyone registered to participate." My preferred but silent answer: You know what? This is the third fucking time you've asked me a question that has been answered in an email I sent you right off the bat! And the third time I've asked you to read the damn FAQ!

Q: (from the same person): Hey RK, do you provide transportation to and from your event for 50 people from my small down two hours away?
A: Unlike every other walk - most of which have much more staffing and funding than we do - why yes, we do! Would you also like breakfast in bed? What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?

Q: (To my saintly volunteer): Where is the starting line?
A: He gave her the answer. Two minutes later,  she calls back and says, "You don't know what you're talking about. Tell RK the starting line is under the bridge." Right. Six years but hey, I don't know where the starting line is for my own event. Come to think of it, it starts in the river. We'll meet you there.

Q: (Comment actually) It was too crowded last year. There were too many people and too many dogs.
A: Well, instead of trying to encourage participation and make a statement that our cause matters, I'll just ask people to stay home. Then you can have all the space you need.

Q: (Comment from the same person): The band wasn't playing when my team finished the loop last year.
A: We're so sorry about that. This year, they'll stay an extra hour and personally serenade you. How's that?

Although - I had a good vent with a buddy who does this event in another state. One of her participants really takes the cake. "There should be more trees at the event. You know, for shade."

Plant! Start planting! Plant faster!!