Monday, June 29, 2009

What next?

Over dinner - which Mr. RK took me to after yet another excruciating Monday committee meeting, he said, "We've almost beaten the 65 percent!"

Apparently that is the percentage of couples who get divorced within the first five years of getting married.

We celebrate two "anniversaries" each year - the wedding one in January is sort of an afterthought, because for us the big hookup was July 13, 2004. That's when we knew this was, as they say, IT!

What happens to the 65 percent? And what is it with the five-year statistic? I'm morbidly curious about the other 35. How many of them are people who say, "Fuck it!" after 40 years? How many are people who finally come out? How many are just sick of being unhappy and muster the courage to end it? How many have "waited until the kids get to college" and in the meantime, have fucked up the kids with their example of miserable relationship interaction?

Relationships are odd. I have three friends who are getting divorced at the moment, and none of them, in my opinion, went into the marriage blind. As much as it sucks, I think in these cases, each of them is doing the right thing - one before she and her ex had kids, and two before the ex could fuck up the kids.

For years and years my dad said he felt bad about leaving my biological mother. A few years ago, my adult brother and I finally sat him down and said, "If you hadn't, we would have run away from home!"

An old friend who describes himself as "happily married" bombarded me with a slew of e-mails over the weekend: why didn't we get together in college? Did I ever consider it? Did I feel that way about him? Did I know he would have left all of his ex-girlfriends for me?

And essentially, I wrote back, "Are you sure you're happy?"

Every relationship has ups and downs, bends in the road - some minor (or major) accidents perhaps. But this question is one I think is worth asking every day.

Mr. RK is the only guy I've had a relationship or date with who didn't 1. bore me or 2. seem like the type who would dip his chicken in my bbq sauce without thinking.

No matter what happens, I have never been the type of person to ask, "What if?" I'm more interested in, "What next?"


LL Cool Joe said...

I've been with my partner for over 20 years, I'm not sure how that happened.

Aliceson said...

Wishing you and Mr Rk a very happy (slightly early) Anniversary.

The year my husband and I got married (2001), both of my husband's siblings married within months of us. Both his brother and sister are older and everyone was sure that our marriage would not last because I was only 20 (gasp!) at the time. Within 6 months, my BIL was divorced. His wife left him for another man that she was seeing even before she got married. This other guy was even at their wedding!

My batshit crazy SIL divorced last year after she left her husband for another man. I feel bad for her children (2 kids same ages as my girls) to have to put up with her drama at such young ages. At least her ex is good father.

I'm not one bit surprised about my SIL because her advice to me way back when we got married was "Well, if things don't work out, you can always get divorced." What a thing to say to somone getting married! Sheesh!!! She must have liked her own crappy advice!

Darth Weasel said...

howdy stranger.
on the What if path is nothing but sadness. and regret. You know my history and I would say even knowing what I know, if I had the "what if" of "what if I never married Andrea" I wouldn't change it. If I had never gone through that I would not know how special what I have now is. The only "what if" I really fear is the "what if I forget what it was like pre-Goose" and that would suck majorly.

Granny Annie said...

You left out the marriage that fails because the ex was simply lower than pond scum and not only wanted to have his affair openly but wanted to keep his first wife too. Polygamy lives in the heart of many non-Mormons.

The Peach Tart said...

good way to look at life and relationships which are totally hard to maintain.

themom said...

My oldest daughter (biological, put up for adoption at birth), is now moving on to husband number 3. Her concept of marriage and mine differ greatly. She appears to only want a relationship for what she can get out of it and then tosses it aside to move on and party. Since I didn't raise her, I keep my opinions to myself but she knows I am not happy, but manages to make me out the "bad guy." Grrrrr....

Riot Kitty said...

Joey: I think that's awesome :)
Aliceson: that's crazy about your in-laws...and thanks for the anniversary wishes!
Darth: Hola! And good points. You two are adorable together.
GA: Yes, yes! I totally forgot about pondscum!! That's the reason for one friend's divorce.
TPT: Thanks!
TM: Your daughter and my biological mother: separated at birth? My incubator is on husband #6.

Mike_D said...

Best. Line. Ever.

"Dip his chicken into your sauce."

Like I said, best line ever.


Hmm.. I suddenly want some chicken mcnuggets. Stomach...rumbling...


Scarlet said...

I love your last line, and I'm with you on moving forward and not looking back...oh, and I'm going to have to remember the part about the bbq chicken! Love that quote!

Fireblossom said...

I was married for 13 years, and together for 15, so I suppose we beat the odds. Unfortunately, we couldn't weather my former spouse's bipolar disorder.

Clearly, you and Mister RK were meant to be. Go, you!

Riot Kitty said...

FB: Thanks! :)
Scarlet and Mike: I wasn't being clever, he really doesn't dip meat in sauce we are sharing AT A RESTAURANT, YOU PERVERTS!!!

Anonymous said...

That's too sweet. Um... I've had my cats for about 6 years.... that's all I've got... not my fault I attract the crazies.

Phil said...

like you got it right. Congrats and good luck on the future of your franchise.

B said...

Ohh, happy anniversary, RK+MrRK! We're heading towards our one year wedding anniversary, which is pretty exciting considering it basically coincides w/ the anniversary of the previous year when we got together. I don't know why people break up, but it kinda freaks me out b/c I'm so convinced we won't. I'm not being naive about it as much as I can't imagine trading this for anything else in the world. I pretty much agree - I'm not bored, and he respects my sauce (figurative and literal). As we say here, tillykke (congratulations).