Monday, August 29, 2011

The hazards of working incognito

Mr. RK and I have our little traditions. One of them is that every day, we ask each other, "Did anything interesting or funny happen today?"

Here is Mr. RK's funny story of the day:

He is sitting outside, soaking up the sun (since he'd be happy if it was 109 every day, except we live in Oregon), and this guy comes out and sits next to him and starts talking.

Guy: "So yeah - my TV broke, but you know? I have a new perspective now that my girlfriend's pregnant. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't need to drive my fast car anymore."

Mr. RK thinks: "Who the fuck is this guy?!"

Then, suddenly, Mr. RK realizes it's P, a guy he has worked with for the past three weeks...except since they test electron microscopes, they are in bunny suits in a clean room.

So he didn't recognize P.

I imagine it's the same kind of hazard as you'd run into if you were a penguin.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I am off to nom my birthday cake

I am now officially in another demographic...I've left 18-34.


I have to say, recent events aside, the older I get, the happier I am.

That's pretty lucky.

It took me awhile after I grew up to realize that not everyone made as big a deal of birthdays as my family did. As my dad says, "Your birthday is the one day of the year when you should act as selfish as most people do every day."

I am off to do just that!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

This would only happen to me!

I have a very large family.

So large, that apparently when someone dies, not everyone finds out.


Is there a more dysfunctional family than this? I can't imagine there is.

I sent this e-mail to extended family:

I know we are spread across the country, but would some of you PLEASE notify me when someone like Uncle L dies.

I sent him a sympathy card about Aunt L dying! And I am so sorry, Grandma, I would have sent you a card had I known.

As a friend of mine put it, "That would only happen to you!"

Another friend reminded me, "You are supposed to send sympathy cards to the survivors - not the person who died!"

Thursday, August 18, 2011

And part 2 of the story of Dave

I heard part two of the story of Dave (see previous post) at a lunch meeting today.

All four of us ladies are pretty laid back. We asked whether Dave had managed to find any pants. My colleague said, "Did I ever tell you that Dave proposed to me a few years ago?"

Um, no.

Here's how it happened:

Dave was recovering in the ICU after open heart surgery. (Before you read the rest, keep in mind, he was on a morphine drip.)

He said, "Hey, L - I heard you don't have insurance. So why don't we get married?"

L: "Dave! You have Medicaid. That won't work."
Dave: "So you're turning down my proposal?"
L: "Yes."

Five minutes elapse. A nurse comes into the hospital room.

Dave: "L, wow, she's hot!" Dave turns toward the nurse. "Will you marry me?"

I swear I'm not making this up.

Happy almost Friday!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

And you thought your day was strange

From a colleague's text today:

"Crazy day. Dog bit one of the volunteers and Dave refused to go anywhere with pants on."

Dave is another volunteer.

Don't you wish you worked in mental health advocacy?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

More reasons I'm glad I'm not dating

So one of my friends decided to try a free online dating site.

Some of the guys who messaged her include:

Guy #1. His message to my friend: "So I keep bubble wrap under my mattress, so when I'm doing it, it sounds like fireworks are going off! Isn't that cool?"

Guy #2-10 (estimates) - Can't write proper English. I don't mean ESL - I mean they would flunk first-grade spelling tests. No one wants to get wicha, y'know?

Guy #11. His message to my friend: "So FYI, I have the stomach flu. This doesn't mean you have to wrap yourself in foil, you can't get it through the computer."

Um. Needless to say she didn't write any of these guys back...stomach flu man sent her eight other messages in about 10 minutes after she blocked him.

"Why aren't you responding? Hmm, I guess I'll have to keep trying to figure it out and maybe I'll never know..."

That's OK. The fact that he doesn't know speaks volumes!

My friend did meet someone nice - so far. I'll be back with a full report soon.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Winnie the Pooh and mental disorders

This came from a friend of one of the volunteers at my work. Mind you, this person has a mental illness himself, so we're all just making fun of ourselves.

Pooh Bear: Eating Disorder ("I wonder if there is any honey left in that pot?")

Piglet: Social Anxiety Disorder (Wouldn't you have trouble being social, if you were simultaneously worried about being made into breakfast?)

Tigger: ADHD (Bouncy, trouncy, fun fun fun fun FUN! Doesn't that explain it all?)

Rabbit: OCD (Sorry to say, out of all of these characters, I am most like Rabbit. What does that say about me?)

Owl: Dyslexia (Because there are so many other owls that can read, you know.)

Eeyore: Depression (You'd be depressed too, if that little black cloud followed you everywhere.)

Kanga and Roo: Dissociative Personality Disorder (I'm still trying to figure this one out.)

Christopher Robin: Schizophrenia

I asked the volunteer, "Why did he say that Christopher Robin has schizophrenia? He's the only normal one."

She replied, "Probably because he's seeing all of these animals that talk to him."

Friday, August 05, 2011

Or maybe I'm in a British sitcom?

It has, shall we say, been a rough few days. I'm sorry to be largely absent from blogland, but I have spent more time on the phone with all kinds of bureaucrats over the past few days than I have spent on the phone with anyone in probably a year. (My advice for the uninitiated: MAKE A WILL and KEEP ALL OF YOUR IMPORTANT PAPERS IN ONE PLACE.)

That said, I cannot say enough thank-yous to all of you who have showered us with hugs, consolations, donations in my mother-in-law's memory - some even from people I have never met - and general good thoughts.

That has helped make up for some of the not-so-funny insane shit, like my mother-in-law's "friend" who called Mr. RK's sister not 12 hours after their mother died and demanded to start going through her stuff. Or the person we have never even heard of who wanted to go view her body at the hospital morgue. Or the "friend" of my sister-in-law who asked, "Can I have your mom's clothes?" I kid you not. Or the hospital's business office calling my husband asking for insurance information after I specifically told them all such calls go through me, so my husband and his sister can be left alone. (I left her a voicemail that was, albeit without any profanity, so stern that she is now only speaking to the insurance guy.)

However...the last couple of days were without their insane moments of humor. I'll take any laugh I can get just about now.

Picking up my mother-in-law's ashes today at the funeral home, all was very solemn. Outside, my sister-in-law gave me a hug and then whispered, "Your zipper is down."

And I was wearing bright pink underwear!

Don't tell me that's TMI. I had to live it, you just have to read it.

Then one of Mr. RK's mom's friends made a donation in Mr. RK's mom's memory. The donor's name is Ms. Adcock.

And she is a lesbian.

I swear I'm not making this up. A friend of mine texted: "This is beginning to sound like a British sitcom!"

One of my (gay) friends said, "I believe that. If it was Mrs. Delete Cock, I'd be skeptical."

Another friend (who is a lesbian) said, "I'd be wary if Mrs. Strap-on donates in Mr. RK's mom's memory."

So if your last name is Strap-On - hey, it's possible, if you are married and/or British aristocracy - please do donate. I double dog dare you!

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

No words

Pardon the hiatus. My husband's mother was struck and killed by a car yesterday.

We are all in shock - it's like being in a horrible dream.

To honor her memory, we're directing donations to a charity event she was participating in - something she got really excited about, put a lot of effort into, and spent time recruiting people for. You can find out more about it here if you are so inclined.

In the meantime, your prayers and good thoughts are much appreciated.