Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Things I want to know - Top 10 Tuesday

Joey reminded me that I haven't done a Top 10 Tuesday for awhile. Here are 10 things I want to know.

1. Who thinks *inside* the box? Styrofoam packing peanuts?

2. What bright person thought up the plastic sticky twist-tie type thing on packaging for bread, that you nearly tear your skin off to get open, then can't close? And why do they call it "easy open"? I ask you.

3. Why were mosquitoes invented? Do they actually serve an ecological purpose? Or was God just angry that day?

4. Who (or what) determines the sizes of condoms? Do they even sell "small"? I've never seen anything smaller than "medium."

5. If each condom is tested individually...how? By what or by whom?

6. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a neocon's brain? Mr. RK asks.

7. Who decided that sci-fi characters and superheroes have to wear lycra suits? Doesn't that get hot? (Or, Mr. RK asks, embarrassing at the nude beach?)

8. Starbucks is coming out with a 31-ounce drink. I predict a mad rush to bathrooms after the morning commute. What I want to know - who needs that much coffee, anyway?

9. Why is it that people think cute and cuddly equates soft and furry? I have known some pretty tough koala bears in my lifetime, and some very friendly lizards. (Can you tell Mr. RK is sitting here with me?)

10. Why don't people who say they are "tea bagging" get the porn reference? Actually they can keep not getting it...

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Panda's Version of Basil Fawlty

Bonus points if you recognize the reference. This sums up the past week, which has felt SO long that each day I thought it was a day later. I'm so sleeping in tomorrow!

If you can't play the video, here's the link.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things not to say to me at work, part 2: event week edition

Background: I am planning a luncheon for about 300 that's happening next week.

1. "I might be bringing a guest."
To a formal event at $25 a head.
Dream reply: "No, you mightn't. I need to know FOR SURE RIGHT FUCKING NOW or your guest can eat the napkins."

2. "I probably should have called first."
Before entering my office and disrupting a meeting with potential sponsors.
Dream reply: "Yes, you definitely fucking should have."

3. "Is it free? Then I'll bring six people."
Says the sponsor who donated less than it will cost to have six people there."
Dream reply: "Not in this lifetime, darling."

4. "Can you do dairy-free AND gluten-free? It's not because of a food allergy, but if you can do it, that would be great."
Yes, I really got this request.
Dream reply: "Um, then WHY THE FUCK are you making the request? You only eat wheat and dairy on the weekends? Or do you just want to make my life more difficult?"

5. "Can you seat him/her next to some strong supporters of our cause?"

Dream reply: "I thought I'd sit next to someone who doesn't support our cause, but whom I have invited anyhow, just 'cause I had the extra money and time to spend."

6. "I don't want to sit next to so-and-so."

Dream reply: "This is not fucking elementary school!"

7. "I know the date for the RSVP has passed, but..."

Dream reply: "Yes, it has. Tough fucking luck, eh?"

8. "Can I have a personal introduction to (insert name of politican attending event.)
Dream reply: "Well actually, sure, because I know him/her SO well, and even though I barely know you, I'll go out of my way to arrange it, and I was just planning on twiddling my thumbs anyhow."

9. "You should have (totally unrelated person who has nothing to do with our cause) speak at the event."
Dream reply: "Sure. I'll invite him/her when monkeys start flying out of my ass. How's that?"

10. And last, but not least, my favorite: "Who's at the head table?"
Dream reply: "Not you!"

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Happy birthday(s)!

Happy birthday to Ms. J, Chella, and Mike D!

You are all fantastic...and two of you will always be older than me! Bonus!

So although there are many good and memorable things I could say about each of you, my carpal tunnel is flared up so I can't type much, and have to limit it.

Chella - Amazing zine girl/80s nostalgia partner in crime

Mike D - Loyal, funny, and understands muppet finger puppet mania

Ms. J - Having rebounded from a divorce in which her former husband cheated on her with a friend, she has 1) gotten her degree, 2) gotten a great job, and 3) gotten sassy when needbe.

Although her ex shithead keeps texting her nasty messages, she comes up with great one-liners to put him in his place, like: "Oh yeah? I have enjoyed being with much bigger dicks than yours."

*Post script: One of these days, I'll post something without any mention of penis size. I swear!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

She knew I couldn't resist

Those of you who have read even one post here will know I don't shy away from telling you what I think...so JLee tagged me to do a "5 Dislikes/5 Likes" meme, how could I resist?

I can't keep up with who has been tagged by whom, so if you're reading this and would like to participate, consider yourself tagged. And loved.*
5 Dislikes

1. People being really materialistic.
It's just shit, folks. Stuff. Things. Molecules. You can't take it into the next life, if you believe in that, although you could stuff a limited amount of it in your casket, I guess. You know that Bible verse about being careful about what you treasure, because where your treasure lies, so does your heart? I think that's very true.

2. People who smoke in public places where I am forced to inhale it. What gives? I saw a guy doing this tonight in front of his small children. You want to die a slow, painful death, that's your business. You want us all to die? Now I have a problem with you.

3. Bullies.
I'm sure you all have a) small dicks, or b) aren't getting enough sex, or c) both.

4. Drivers who wait until the last minute
to realize, "Oh fuck! I should be taking that exit!" and then pull across all four lanes of freeway without looking to save themselves perhaps two minutes, and nearly kill several of us who have to a) slam on the breaks or b) swerve out of the way.

5. People who buy tabloids. Because if they didn't, I wouldn't have to keep seeing pictures of John Edwards' mistress while waiting in line at the grocery store. Really. There should just be one big phone book of a magazine called "Who's Fucking Who, Who We Think Might be Fucking Who (Or is that "whom?), And Who Has Finished Fucking Whom."


1. Mini peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's. Although they always seem to hop into my cart, I just found out that I get to eat 27 of them for "one" serving. Yippee!

2. My family.
This includes Mr. RK, Lucky, Earl Grey, close friends, and the California crew. Love you guys.

3. Good books. I am always reading something.

4. Thai food.
I swear, I could live on some combination of rice noodles, tofu, lettuce, bean sprouts and cilantro and be a very happy girl.

5. Laughing. It is my favorite thing in life, takes the edge off, and takes the sad away. I hope you've had some laughs from this post, too.

*Unless you are Peter Ellis, of St. Augustine, Florida. I haven't worked for you for six years and you can STILL kiss my ass.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day from...Lucky!

Such a poser. Mr. RK got a new camera and guess who is constantly in front of it?

Does he look like he's running for office, or what? :)

Mr. Lucky wishes you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!

In addition to having a cat named Lucky (who came with his name from the shelter), my family IS actually partly Irish so that's how I account for part of my personality...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Ah, nuts.

I saw this great quote from actress Gabourey Sidibe today, and wanted to share it.

It seems that Sidibe, the Academy Award-winning actress from the movie "Precious," got a letter from a diet supplement company claiming to be "concerned" with her weight, and coincidentally wanting her to be its new spokesperson. Apparently, the letter jabbed that "the ONLY way you'll win an Oscar" is to lose weight.

And you know what? She had this to say:

"I learned to love myself, because I sleep with myself every night and I wake up with myself every morning, and if I don't like myself, there's no reason to even live the life."

I was so proud of that - and then I came home and read a post from my friend Claire that made me want to cry, scream, and hit the little dick motherfuckers who inspired it.

I spent a lot of my younger life being bullied - roughly the time I developed anxiety (age six) to the time I decided I wasn't going to befriend the ex-boyfriend who had pressured me into sex, dumped me, and then tried to be friends with me (age 15.) After that, something snapped...and I became more of a riot kitty.

But during that time, I was a mouse. I got picked on for various things, ranging from my teeth (for years after they were no longer crooked, I covered my mouth when I smiled), my clothes (hey, it was the 80s), and later, my lack of boobs or butt. It didn't occur to me to stick up for myself. When I learned that technique, it didn't occur to other people to pick on me.

And happily, now, I can tell you that my teeth are no longer crooked, and I'm satisfied with clothes, boobs and butt.

I have learned that bullies are insecure motherfuckers who usually have small dicks. I'm sure that's the case of the weenies at the gym, Claire (who by the way definitely does not qualify as "huge"), and if I had been at the gym with you, I'd not have had your grace in turning the other cheek...

I'd have kicked them in the nuts.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Things not to say to me at work

Most of the time I love my job, but there are moments - OK, there are people - that drive me nuts. It's maybe 5 percent of who I deal with, but they have all fucking called me this week!

Here is a top 10 list of things I'd prefer no one ask me again (ha! like that's going to happen.) I can dream can't I? And... for giggles...10 answers I'd love to be able to give.

1. "I'm going to put a bee in your bonnet."
Yes, someone really called and said that - those were the first words out of her mouth after I answered the phone. The bee? She (a volunteer teacher/major bitch) was upset that our national organization had updated their marketing materials. She didn't like them.

Dream answer: "Tough shit, lady. By the way, I wish I had as much time as you do, calling about marketing materials. Must be nice. PS Fuck you!"

2. "I know you already sent this a couple of times, but can you e-mail me...(fill in the blank.)"

Dream answer: "No, I can't. Part of my mental illness is an extremely rare form of OCD that makes me have panic attacks when asked to resend an e-mail I've already sent more than once."

3. "I know that you weren't here then, but (fill in complaint about past staff/volunteer/etc.)"

Dream answer:
"You're right, I wasn't. So why the hell are you complaining to me?"

4. Asking me the same question 12 different ways, after I've already explained that I don't know the answer, and that they will have to wait until the appropriate person can call them back.

Dream answer: "You know what? You can ask 12 more ways, and I still won't know the answer. I'll just be more irritated. How about it?"

5. "Is he back in the office yet?"

Dream answer: "No, my boss is not back in the office yet. Has it dawned on you that if you keep on calling, it won't make him come back any faster? That perhaps he has not returned your call from half an hour ago because HE'S NOT FUCKING HERE?"

6. "Can you tell me the answer on the phone AND e-mail it to me?" This, after they are writing down a phone number.

Dream answer: "Do you have a short-term memory problem? Because if you do, I hear there are medications that can help with that."

7. "I left (insert name of volunteer) a message and they haven't called back yet." When did they call? "This morning."

Dream answer:
"I believe the expression is, 'hold your horses.'"

8. "I think you should have (fill in the blank: person totally unrelated to our event) speak at your event."

Dream answer:
"It's good to want things. But no, we're not going to have Don King at the wine-tasting event."

9. Explaining the selfish/egocentric/mendacious/lazy behavior of a totally competent person: "S/he has a mental illness."

Dream answer:
"So do I, and I'm not an asshole!"

10. "But why can't I have/why can't you/why can't the organization (fill in blank with unreasonable demand.)"

Dream answer: "Because you are a huge pain in the ass and I don't like you! That's why!"

Monday, March 08, 2010

Another contest

Anyone who meets me learns almost instantly that I love to laugh (unless you cut me off in traffic, in which case you learn that I don't hesitate to use my middle finger.) Mr. RK and I have been cracking up about something I *had* to share.

Ily wrote a post that I had to use as a segue here.

She asks, "Describe your sex life with one movie title."

(No, I'm not going to answer here. Go visit her post and you'll find out what my answer is.)

So reading some of the replies ("Less Than Zero," "Gone in 60 Seconds)made me laugh so hard I had to keep thinking up more movie titles that would be particularly humorous.

Among them:

"A Series of Unfortunate Events"
"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"
"Adventures in Babysitting"
"Cold Mountain"
"Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" - if my name was Bill or Ted.

and...my favorite, "For a Few Dollars More..."

So instead of asking you to repeat yourselves, my question is: What is the name of the movie that would be most appropriate for an ex?

I know mine: Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Inquiring minds want to know

Things I want to know the answers to:

1. Why do people who are in the lane next to you, turning the opposite direction from you, but who have (mind you) no visibility issues, pull way out in front of you while they're waiting, thus blocking your visibility? And why do they all tend to be in SUVs? (OK, I know the answer to that second one.)

2. Why do the women in advertisements for hair coloring and shampoo products look like their hairstyles are out of a 1973 high school yearbook? Does anyone really wear "wings" these days? Why would this make me want to use these products? Do they picture someone reading this ad thinking, "OMG! That's just what I looked like in my senior picture in 1975! If I buy this product, I'll look like that again! Even though this mag is targeting 18-25s and I'm not their target market, anyway!"

3. Why do some people go out of their way - unsolicited - to offer things, and then never deliver? One person comes to mind who does this over and over again, but they're sensitive enough that I can't call them on it without a scene.

4. Craigslist - oh boy, where do I begin? This could have entire subcategories. Craigslist question #1: Why do people try to haggle with you when your ad says "price firm"? This happened to Mr. RK a couple of times in as many days. Why these shitheads really think if they show up and offer you less - after you've told them in your ad, AND on the phone, that your price is firm? It seems to be either haggling over a few bucks, like $10 or $20, which hardly seems worth it, or totally lowballing you, like offering $250 for a laptop you're advertising for $400, which is just insulting.

I really want to know why people do this. Do they expect us to say, "Hey, you know what? I was irritated the first time you asked about this, but since then, I've come around, and I don't mind being ripped off. Here's the goody for $XX less."

5. Craigslist question #2 - Why are THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING PEOPLE shopping there? Case in point - a bitch who came over to buy a cheap amplifier for her grandson from Mr. RK. First, she's an hour and a half late. The only reason we were around is because we're both feeling a bit under the weather. (For that matter, I hope you caught our colds, lady.) Second, she haggles on the phone AND in person, trying to knock $15 off an already cheap price. Mr. RK just wanted to get rid of it. Third - she is FUCKING ANNOYING AS FUCK! She spent about 15 or 20 minutes trying to haggle, comparing the sound quality to a $700 amp she had just looked at in the mall. I was in the other room and it was all I could do not to literally go into my living room and say, "Hey, Mr. RK! I'll buy the fucking amp SO THIS FUCKING ANNOYING BITCH CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!"

I'm not kidding. But I didn't want to make Mr. RK annoyed.

Had I been alone with the cats, I would have just come out and said that ;)

6. Why do the most irritating people have such an inflated sense of self-importance? And why are they all involved with events at my work?

7. Does anyone actually like Big Bird? I mean, find him endearing? Or does he strike you, like he strikes me, as a great big whiny annoying yellow fuck?

If you can answer all of these questions, I'll send you a gift card to Starbucks.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Ninja Novocain...

Friday, I had to lead a meeting with both sides of my face numb after - yaaaaaaaaaaaay! - the last periodontal hell appointment.

Oddly enough, it was the most assertive I have ever been in a meeting.

I even used the word "clusterfuck," although I prefaced it with, "Pardon this expression, but that would be a..."

Usually I am pretty mellow in meetings, but that day, I wanted to get the hell out of there and go home. I was in no mood for fucking around or appeasing anyone. Afterwards, my board president called and said, "I wanted to tell you how impressed I was with the way you led that meeting! You didn't let anyone get off track!"

Me: "You should see how I handle things in my personal life."

My dad, who has graciously paid for all of the outrageous co-pays on said dental work - they are literally more than 10 times as much as the regular co-pay - said, "At least you didn't have both sides of your brain numbed. Then you would have been voting Republican!"

I'm thinking maybe I should get Novocain before every future meeting. What do you think?