Guess what this is...

...and I'll send you one of the "fuck" postcards! Or something calmer, like chocolate.

Mr. RK took this picture and I absolutely loved it.

Any guesses?

Mollie Sugden served us well

If you haven't watched the 1970s BBC Series "Are You Being Served?", you're missing out on a hell of a lot of laughs.

Sadly, Mollie Sugden, who stole the show with her haughty attitude, neon hair and hilarious innuendo, died yesterday at age 86. She was a fabulous comedic actress and I am sorry I didn't get to thank her for all the laughs she has given myself and Mr. RK.

And I'm the only one!

You remember that line from Winnie-the-Pooh, don't you? (By the way, what the fuck is a "pooh" anyway? Has anyone ever explained that? If you can enlighten me, please post a comment.)

"And the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is...I'm...the...only...ONE!"

I use this as a metaphor. (OK, stop laughing.)Seriously - I think Mr. RK and I are truly the only people in the world who aren't on Facebook.

Even the lady I order soap from - who lives in a small, semi-rural area - informed me, "We're now on Facebook!"

And for all of you lovely blog friends who have asked me to friend you...I'm not a hater! Nor am I anti-technology. I just don't do Facebook.

So here are my reasons - my own "top 10" list, if you will.

1. The people I like know where to find me.

2. I have no interest in "connecting" with anyone I went to high school with who is now pretending *not* to be a complete asshole.

3. I have no interest in connecting with anyone from high school, actually.

4. There are enough creepy lurking exes and wannabe exes who have googled me and e-mailed my former boss at my former job. One even posted on Craigslist looking for me and my mother-in-law saw it!! AND he posted from ALASKA. Hello! What were you hoping to accomplish? Cyber sex?

5. I don't want to bump into (no pun intended) anyone I used to date or sleep with.
'Cause chances are, if they say, "Hey, remember?" I'd reply, "I'd rather not," or, "No, because I accidentally blinked."

6. They've had security and phishing issues. Enough said.

7. My boss is on Facebook. Our volunteers are on Facebook. Again, enough said.

8. It does creepy big brother stuff. I didn't know until today (one of our volunteers told me) that if someone views your profile, not only do they record that and suggest that you "friend" that person - but they also suggest that person as a friend to everyone in your book. Eeech.

9. There are enough assholes posting pictures of the kids they have just popped out, or their wedding day.

10. Let's face it, I'd probably get kicked off for using the word "fuck" too much.

What next?

Over dinner - which Mr. RK took me to after yet another excruciating Monday committee meeting, he said, "We've almost beaten the 65 percent!"

Apparently that is the percentage of couples who get divorced within the first five years of getting married.

We celebrate two "anniversaries" each year - the wedding one in January is sort of an afterthought, because for us the big hookup was July 13, 2004. That's when we knew this was, as they say, IT!

What happens to the 65 percent? And what is it with the five-year statistic? I'm morbidly curious about the other 35. How many of them are people who say, "Fuck it!" after 40 years? How many are people who finally come out? How many are just sick of being unhappy and muster the courage to end it? How many have "waited until the kids get to college" and in the meantime, have fucked up the kids with their example of miserable relationship interaction?

Relationships are odd. I have three friends who are getting divorced at the moment, and none of them, in my opinion, went into the marriage blind. As much as it sucks, I think in these cases, each of them is doing the right thing - one before she and her ex had kids, and two before the ex could fuck up the kids.

For years and years my dad said he felt bad about leaving my biological mother. A few years ago, my adult brother and I finally sat him down and said, "If you hadn't, we would have run away from home!"

An old friend who describes himself as "happily married" bombarded me with a slew of e-mails over the weekend: why didn't we get together in college? Did I ever consider it? Did I feel that way about him? Did I know he would have left all of his ex-girlfriends for me?

And essentially, I wrote back, "Are you sure you're happy?"

Every relationship has ups and downs, bends in the road - some minor (or major) accidents perhaps. But this question is one I think is worth asking every day.

Mr. RK is the only guy I've had a relationship or date with who didn't 1. bore me or 2. seem like the type who would dip his chicken in my bbq sauce without thinking.

No matter what happens, I have never been the type of person to ask, "What if?" I'm more interested in, "What next?"

Live long(er) and prosper

Mr. RK's grandmother, who was widowed about a year ago, is getting married this month.

"I know it seems fast," she told my mother-in-law, "but we figure we don't have that much time!"

She and her fiance are both in their 80s.

Once again, Hallmark fails me...I looked every single wedding congrats card they had available.

Every. Single. One.

Rule out the uber-religious ones, because even though she is, we aren't, and that would feel disingenuous. Rule out the ones of couples kissing, because she is super religious and, I presume, so is he, because he's a retired pastor.

Rule out the ones - and this is just about every fucking card - that have all kinds of much about having long lives together, blah blah blah, because even if they both live to be 100, it just seems a bit cruel.

Rule out the ones that rhyme because, well, they're just obnoxious. "I hear the sound of wedding bells/I hope your marriage isn't hell." OK, I made that one up.

Add this to the fact that this is someone I have never met. Like my grandparents, Mr. RK's grandparents take no interest in their grandchildren.

But being from the Midwest, I thought it would be impolite not to send a card. And hey, if she is brave enough to go on this adventure one more time, more power to her!

I finally found a suitable one (I think)that will go out today.

So I am sending good wishes down to Florida. They seem very happy and we are happy for them!

Blog fever

I don't know why I seem to have so much to write this week...but anyway, someone was incredibly rude to my best friend and although politics prevents me from calling him up and telling him what a dick he is, I always have this place as an outlet.

K you are,
Dear K you are,
You think you're such a fucking star
That you can be a fucking prick
To friends of mine?
Go suck your dick.

Can't find it, K?
Surprise? No way.
I think in fact, your attitude
Has to do with your image nude.

So while you ponder family jewels
I'll give you a new set of rules:

You will not, will not, be a jerk
To those with whom you hope to work.
You shall not, shall not, use that tone!
Not during lunch, not on the phone.

You won't be nasty to my friend
Without realizing in the end
That boys like you who get aggressive
Are usually real obsessive
About the things, like penis size,
of which we girls are much more wise.

So listen up: we see right through you,
And actions will come right back to you.
Lest you click that e-mail ad
That offers you the latest fad
In making small things try to double
We guess you'll still have bits of trouble.

How do we know this?
I'm just guessing
With millimeters
You'd be messing.

XO,
RK

But Tuesday is so much better!

I was spoiled to death by Pheromone Girl, who is always kind and supportive and funny...add that to lunch, a box of office monkeys and two great books - including this one! - and you have a happy Riot Kitty. (Thank you darling!!)

So this is from the same publisher of those wonderful postcards she got me.

Her 14-year-old son said, "I love your friend Riot Kitty! We get to get her all of these swear books!" or something like that ;)

So you see? It's not all bad to have boobs and talk like a sailor. Someone appreciates it.

*Ninja edit: the book has a whole bunch of "fuck" stickers so I can vandalize signs and snap pics!! Post if you want one of these :) *

I also scored with my boss. (Not like that, you perverts.) I brought him a doughnut and he was happy all day! You men are so predictable.