Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Theft.

I keep apologizing for not posting often when I do post, and then feel bad when I don't post, so here it is: I had a traumatic experience in January that basically stole some of who I am. It's hard to do just the day-to-day stuff. It is a slog sometimes to get out of bed and get to work, go to the grocery store, or what have you.

I'm not sharing this looking for sympathy, but I feel like I need to vent with my thumbs and writing helps. And maybe it will help someone else going through the same thing.

All trauma is hard to talk about. Some types more than others. Having tried everything else I usually do to try to get well, and having nothing work so far, I started doing group therapy. The second meeting involved check ins, and one woman (everyone in the group is female) said she hates it when people tell her how she is - e.g., you're an angel, you're this, you're that - even if it is meant to be a compliment.

And the word that came into my mind was theft. We are all in that group because something was stolen, some part of us, that none of us are sure we can recover.

Some experiences make our brain short circuit. Do a Google search for complex PTSD and see what you think. On the surface, academically, I know this makes sense. I know things take work and effort and time.

Still, my brain acts up. Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I cast one day and one night aside as a 24 hours, and move on?

It is hard not to give up. That is exactly what my boss told me not to do when I burst into tears talking about this a couple of months ago. He is not a really expressive guy but he said, I know this is frustrating. And I know nothing has worked so far. But keep trying. Don't give up.

I'm trying not to.

#metoo

16 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring. As you know.

Jono said...

Your boss is right on the don't give up stuff. You will be able to move on, but it will take time and work. We are all here and will continue to be here when you are and when you're not. I have no answers, but will be here if you need anything else.

Ms Scarlet said...

I saw you at Joey's and realised I hadn't seen you around for a long time so thought I'd pop over to see if you still blogged. I'm so sorry to read that you are having such a rotten, miserable, difficult time and my heart goes out to you. Keep going, don't give up or give in.
Sx

Lee said...

And, you will succeed. The way forward is difficult...each moment of every day is difficult, but one moment, one step, one day, one night at a time...and the light at the end of the tunnel become clearer and nearer.

Wounds take time to heal...no matter what the size.

Don't set yourself a time limit. Just set the goal - the goal being the whole you...and steadily edge towards it...at your own pace with your eyes on the prize. It is yours to reach...yours to hold.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I wish we lived closer so I could give you a hug in person. Be brave, Riot Kitty grrl, you are stronger than the loser who stole from you, that bastard.

Lynn said...

Oh my - I am so sorry to hear that happened. I'm so glad you can share this and hope we can talk soon. Hugs!

Granny Annie said...

God bless you my friend. #metoo

Birdie said...

I think realizing you will never be the same again helps. You will be a new you. It will take a long time to get to know that person and feel comfortable being her. It’s so hard and a lot of dark and horrible emotions will be there along the way. Just keep doing your best. Be sad. Be angry. Keep talking.

HBF said...

I really like how you described that theft that occurs so many times each and everyday... it makes me think of my childhood and the teasing and all the telling me what I was good at and what I was and wasn't. I didn't get to find myself, it was thrown upon me. I can't imagine having something you've fought so hard for and cherished being ripped away. Theft is too small a word, but it'll work.

I agree with Birdie. Keep up the hard work!

Abby said...

It's great to hear from you, I hope blogging helps, and the group therapy too.

G. B. Miller said...

As always, you got an ear to bend here on the east cost. Never let people tell otherwise or even your mind from time to time, but personally, you are one of the strongest women that has been my pleasure to know. This is simply one small facet, that while may be slightly dented, that you'll be able to successfully make your own once again.

Charles Gramlich said...

So sorry you are going through this. I wish I had something to say that would be truly helpful, but I'm sure you've thought and heard all the words already. If there is anything substantial that I can do, let me know. Otherwise, I'm rooting for you to come through and I'm sure you have the strength to do so.

CraveCute said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you are able to work through all of this and come out on the other side stronger than ever. Keep writing and venting, we are on your side!

LL Cool Joe said...

Well I'm glad you felt up to blogging anyway. As others here have said, and I know from bitter experience, never give up. Hope keeps us all alive.

A Beer For The Shower said...

I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad to see that you're starting to talk about it and try to move on with your life. Not let it define you. And, though many others have already said the same, do always remember we're here to rant/bitch at, as needed. :)

Blue Grumpster said...

That sucks, Kitty. All I know is that academic theory and real world fact are two different things.