Sunday, July 29, 2012

Meet Vasil Plotcharsky!

Long story short, we lost one of our darling little feline boys to kitty cancer last week, and to help bridge the lonesome, we adopted another boy from the no-kill shelter.

A black kitty named after someone on the Titanic, a Bulgarian named Vasil Plotcharsky. The shelter staff said they were naming kitties after Titanic passengers to honor them. My boss said, "A black cat? Named after someone on the Titanic? Isn't that kind of morbid?"

I replied, "Did you expect me to do something normal?"

We almost walked off with another kitty, but we found out that black cats are extremely hard to adopt. Plus, some pair of a**holes adopted the cat they knew was Vasil's best buddy - the one the shelter said they tried to adopt him out with - and another cat, because they wanted two tabbies.

We figure that once they get used to each other, he and Earl Grey, who also lost a buddy, should become best friends.

So meet the newest member of our family!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I can haz Russell Brand (and so can you!)

Support the arts, and become rich and famous! Well, one day you will become rich if you sell your cartoon drawn by the guys at A Beer for the Shower because I am confident they will become famous.

And you can help them!

They're working on fundraising to produce a book about zombies in Las Vegas, since regular publishers are too busy putting out ball-sucking drivel like a certain series that gives middle-aged housewives the hots for teenage vampires.

They will take a buck. For five (just for the record, I donated before the promotion and they still did this stuff for me) they will do a cartoon of your choice! Missed that first link? Here it is again.

This is my swag. I chose the Tweet...

And asked for a cartoon of myself on a date with Russell Brand. "Dinner date or hostage situation? You decide!" they said.

So support our guys and one day, you can saw you knew them (or they drew you) when.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Fred and his Willard

I thought about blogging about the recent shootings, but I was just too upset thinking about it.

So I'll move on to aging celebrities getting busted in adult movie theaters. Granted, no one wants the headline, "Fired by PBS, Defended by Porn Theater Owner," but seriously? Do the cops have nothing better to do with their time?

Personally, I don't give a flying fuck if people amuse themselves in a venue where people basically go to - you know. I think PBS was lame to fire him, because 1) he hasn't been convicted yet (he might still get off, no pun intended, like the naked airport guy in my city just did), 2) it's just stupid, and 3) as a former marketing person, I can tell you the publicity would have made a lot more people tune in!

As my dad put it, "Old Fred was doing what boys do at porn theaters.  At age 72 I say Go, Fred!" 
And as my friend K put it, "What exactly do people THINK happens at a XXX theater?!
That's like arresting someone for drinking in a bar."

Mind you, I'm sure Old Fred could have afforded big screen porn in the comfort of his own home, but maybe he felt like getting out a bit.

*Ninja edit: he said it was a lousy film!*

Which reminds me of a story. Don't ask me why, but my friend L would say, "This would only happen in your family!"

My grandfather is a retired pastor and a notorious prude. (Until recently, when we found out that has been getting him into trouble at the assisted living facility for being sexually inappropriate with comments to the staff...but that's another post.) Anyhow. After crusading against porn his entire career, he randomly decided, when he was about 65, to go see what all of the fuss was about and go see an adult film in a theater.

He told my dad about the experience.

"So there are all of these guys in there, and they all have raincoats on their laps. Why do they have raincoats? And there's this funny smell. And then, the movie starts, and ON THE SCREEN THERE IS THIS TEN FOOT PENIS! AND A HUGE VAGINA!"

My dad: "So, what did you do?"
My grandfather: "I FLED FOR MY LIFE!"

When my dad told me this story, we both laughed so hard that I almost drove off the road.

If you have any similar family stories, I'd love to hear them. Even if they don't involve porn.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday

"I've been waiting for you, Mr. Bond."

OK, it's not wordless, but you know I cheat, and there are a lot fewer words here than usual. I ask you: what kind of cat sits like this?! My sister's cat. My brother came up with the caption. Seriously, this guy looks like he's about to be on Masterpiece Theater.

If you have pets, do they do weird stuff like this?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Your thoughts on opera?

I'm going to swipe the "Question of the Week" from Grannie Annie.

Do you like opera?

Or does it strike you, as Eddie Izzard has put it, as sounding like someone is swinging a cat?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday, Courtesy of Mr. RK

This is the way Mr. RK lets people know an appliance has gone dad says we should hang it outside of Congress.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Would you buy sex toys at the drug store?

As I have written so many times on this blog, I swear I'm not making this up!

The day I got home from the hospital, Mr. RK went out to get my prescriptions and dinner. While waiting in line at the pharmacy, he saw a huge box that said "Trojan Twister."

"I was wondering what the hell it was," he said. "A thousand condoms?"

So he googled it and found...well, based on the pictures, you could beat someone over the head with it and do some damage. It was like a fucking purple people eater!

Later, he turned on his phone to text me that he was picking up food to go, and when he turned on his phone, of course the purple monster popped up...and of course people right behind him in line saw it.

But I ask you, would you go shopping for sex toys at Rite Aid? Apparently Walgreen's is now also jumping on the bandwagon, with their "sexual wellness" section. Apparently sexual wellness includes the ability to have sex with yourself, and something that requires batteries. Honestly, I wonder how the marketing conversation about this went.

Marketing person #1: "You know, we should try to be upselling things in the stores that aren't prescriptions. Things people would have to buy anyway at, say, a grocery store."

Marketing person #2: "I've got it! Huge purple vibrators!"

Of course all of this came up (no pun intended) at work yesterday, when for once, my coworker was the only male in the building. He just sat in stone silence!

Monday, July 02, 2012

Don't kill your volunteers, and other fundraising advice

A colleague, J, asked me for advice on doing a fundraiser. Now, J is a very straightforward and funny guy, and I am going to be completely honest with him about the volunteer management aspects of running fundraising events.

I thought perhaps I could throw out some advice for those of you who may need such advice as well.

None of this is made up, by the way. They say managing volunteers is like herding cats...I've found cats to be much more manageable.

1. Don't kill your volunteers. By and large, they fall into these categories:

A. Very helpful - maybe 10-15%
B. Moderately helpful, more than hamsters anyway - 50-60%
C. No shows or have emergencies - 10%
D. Have problems getting along with other volunteers - 5% (usually the person you choose to be in charge of people, who whips out a new personality on event night)
E. Huge motherfucking pains in the ass that make you wish you had never been born - one or two.

There will be - absolutely, positively, without fail, just as guaranteed as gravity - type E if you run an event. You will hear all about everything you did wrong and should have done differently, and how much life sucks because you totally failed in these areas, after this person (or persons) has ripped you a new one, you will hear, "So, do you want me to help again next year?"

2. Don't kill your guests.

Just nod and smile when things like this happen...these are real examples:

A. A participant in your event complains that the line for the free ice cream is too long, even though it's 50, raining, and the event is outside, and you are on a shoestring budget and the ice cream has been donated.

B. Your accountant complains that the band is too loud, even though you have more than 2,000 people there who love the band and specifically request that they play again the next year.

C. A minor politician shows up at your $150-a-ticket dinner with no reservations, says he told so-and-so he was coming (and you know so-and-so, who later says, "No he didn't. What a dick!") and demands to know "what people usually do." Just smile and tell him, "Usually they make reservations and pay us." Resist the urge to knee him in the balls when he then doesn't understand why he can't sit at the VIP table next to your star guest.

3. Laugh at the last-minute REALLY REALLY REALLY important calls and e-mails from people wanting to know where the event is and if it's too late to go, when you're already there and it has already started.

4. Ignore the people who complain about the quality of the free $30-per-person lunch and the fact that they can't sit together when they didn't RSVP for the RSVP-only event.

5. When your volunteer coordinator complains that people didn't get their lunches on time, and it's because she didn't distribute them, it's time to get another one.

6. Expect people to run and grab you and tell you things you can't do anything about, when you have specifically designated other people to deal with these issues. Fully expect them to bypass said individuals. "The parking lot is full!" "They don't know what team they're on!" "It's raining!" (No, I'm not making this up.)

7. When two of your volunteers hook up outside of work and one of them (the one who wears a jumpsuit splattered with paint, hippy cologne and doesn't shave much) e-mails you about it, get some mental bleach.