Thursday, December 28, 2006

He was not a crook

It occurred to me today that Ford was president when I was born - an interesting connection, and of course, one that made me feel a bit old.

But anyway - my dad lived near Washington, D.C. during 1973-1974. Apparently, right after Ford was sworn in as president, he was still living in his Virginia home. And his first day "in office," he invited the reporters who were camped outside of his house inside for pancakes.

Amazing, no?

He was the subject of many a cheap shot, but proved more intelligent, and certainly more human, than many leaders since. Can you imagine Bush inviting anyone in for pancakes? (Maybe if they were going to profit Halliburton.)

What strikes me the most, the more I read about Ford, was that he was straightforward, humble, and approachable. Wouldn't it be great to have more leaders like that? For that matter, more people in general?

And unlike many presidents before and hence, Ford was not a crook.

Monday, December 25, 2006

In the words of Eric Idle...

This is supposed to be a time of year to wish for goodwill and peace on Earth (why don't we do that every day?), spend time with friends and family, etc.

But it has been ruined, for the most part, by last-minute shop-a-holics who forget how to drive, how to make room for other people when walking out of doors, and in short, how to be civil. I'm hoping that a modicum of civility will return Dec. 27, the day after the second busiest shopping day of the year (tomorrow), during which I plan to stay home and hide.

Fuckers. Thanks for ruining the Christmas season.

So for that part of it, I say, Fuck Christmas! (Especially for the bitch in the huge SUV who backed into my car and then demanded to know why I didn't back up because she had her reverse lights on.)

So I let Eric Idel speak for me, and everyone else who is tired of dealing with assholes this month:

Fuck Christmas!
By Eric Idle

Fuck Christmas!
It's a waste of fucking time.
Fuck Santa
He's just out to get your dime.
Fuck Holly and Fucky Ivy
And fuck all that mistletoe
White-bearded big fat bastards
Ringing bells where e'er you go
And bloated men in shopping malls
All going Ho-Ho-Ho
It's Christmas fucking time again!

Fuck Christmas
It's a fucking Disney show
Fuck carols
And all that fucking snow
Fuck reindeer
And fuck Rudolph
And his stupid fucking nose
And fucking sleigh bells tinkling
Everywhere you fucking goes
Fuck stockings and fuck shopping
It just drives us all insane.
Go tell the elves
To fuck themselves
It's Christmas time again!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

And the dumbass of the day award goes to...

U.S. Rep. Virgil Goode, R-Va. (Of course he's a fucking Republican!)

Along with the mighty intolerant columnist Dennis Prager, who had a hissy fit because Congressman-elect Keith Ellison, D-Minn., is a Muslim and will be sworn in with a Koran (gasp!) and not a Bible, Goode just - well, he isn't that smart. (By the way - Prager, would you quit masturbating with the typewriter and find a real job? Or at least something real to write about? You must have a lot of free time on your hands, no pun intended.)

Prager claims the Bible is the only legitimate religious text in the USA; Goode sent a letter
to constituents saying that Americans needed to “wake up” or else there would “likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”

“I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped,” he wrote.

Hey, here's a bit of news, dumbfuck: Ellison's family has been in the U.S. SINCE 1742!!
But hey - he's black and a Democrat and a Muslim, so he must be the enemy, right?

It just amazes me how some people haven't seemed to change since the Civil War. People like Goode want us back in the 1950s, I guess. Too bad, jackass.

What royally pisses me off, though, is that Goode and Prager and other intolerants have no qualms about their right to practice their religion. Imagine a similar letter being sent out to constituents, but replace "Muslim" with "Christian." These guys would probably have wet dreams imagining the lawsuits they could bring about.

I've never understood people who stand firm about their inalienable right to practice their own religion, marry who they choose, live how they want, etc., but are so quick to deny those same rights to those who are different.

It's simply un-Christian, if you want to know the truth.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Don't have pants? Need a goat?

Every once in awhile I look at the "items wanted" section on

I found so many things tonight that made me laugh out loud that I just had to write another blog.

1. Uh...where, pray tell, do they sell goat carts?

Goat Milking gear needed

Date: 2006-12-18, 1:06PM PST

The kids and I just started milking a goat, and I need a milking stantion/stand and a stainless milking bucket and whatever else it takes to do the milk thing. If you have extra goat gear you don't need and would be willing to give me a deal on, please email me. We also hope to train the babies to pack, so goat pack gear or a goat cart would be considered too.

2. Is she currently naked? How does one wind up without pants, exactly?

In need of Pants

Date: 2006-12-17, 10:28PM PST

Hello my name is Tina and I'm going to be going to Job Corp in less than a month. The only problem is I don't have any pants I'm about a 10 or 11 I do prefer bell bottoms but anything can work I guess. I don't have the money to pay for them so I was hoping that they could be given to me.

  • Location: Gresham
  • It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

3. And entering the "best inmate writer of the year" category...

Ghostwriter sought

Date: 2006-12-18, 1:26PM PST

I have what I believe to be an important cautionary tale from the male perspective as to how relationships intersect with the criminal justice system. Basically I will be writing my autobiography from a prison cell for the next few years and am looking for some help with the process. Don't really have any money to offer up front, but I believe that my life would make a very important book for many people (men specifically) to read. Interested? Shoot me an email...

  • Location: West Linn
  • It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: Co-author credit

Monday, December 18, 2006

Would you root for the alligators?

Genes are a funny thing.

If you are unconvinced, let me explain.

I got a holiday card in the mail today from my aunt, uncle and cousins, who live in Texas - by choice. They LIKE Texas. Houston, in fact, which in my experience (I lived there for six years) is the armpit of Texas, which isn't a lovely place to begin with.

Enclosed in this holiday card from loving Lutheran relatives was a picture of all of them on A FAMILY ALLIGATOR HUNTING TRIP. Not kidding. I don't know if they ended up hunting any or not (I certainly hope not), but if I had to watch them try, I'd be rooting for the alligators. (Kidding. Maybe.)

Amazingly enough, my cousin's new wife went on the trip, which was about a month after they got married. Talk about a honeymoon!

How am I related to these people? Do I really share more DNA with them than I do with a banana? How can this be?

I am an agnostic, vegetarian, Native American Irish Jew, and a progressive person who will never set foot in Texas again unless it's a stop on a book tour. (On second thought, if I get anyone to publish my book, maybe I'll create a proviso in the contract that I won't sell it in Texas.)

Yet somehow I have family who are arch-Republican, Lutheran, and whose idea of a good time is a good ol' romp shooting at helpless animals in Louisiana.

Life is strange.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

In a hurry?

I was planning to write about the Texas state legislator proposing to let blind people go hunting, but Darthweasel stole my thunder (

So instead, I will write about another one of my pet peeves, which became especially irritating tonight in a bookstore cafe.

I've got nothing against people in a hurry, mind you. But what I absolutely hate is people who are in such a hurry that they have to push, shove, and dart in front of you - no, actually, they have to be in exactly the spot where you are headed - to get there before you do.

You dumbfucks. What are you saving, one nanosecond? Do you need to get to your latte that badly, that three of you step directly in front of my extremely polite husband so you can get to the cafe counter before he does? Mind you, not the register - the counter where the drinks are already waiting. So you're not saving minutes by getting ahead in line - you've already waited in line!

Unless you need to grab the latte because you are going into labor immediately afterwards, kindly wait your turn. You're not the only one stuck in the cafe, having to listen to the painful renditions of "White Christmas" and "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" while we wait for our buzz. (I always thought Mommy was a bit of a slut when I listened to that song, anyhow.)

Ditto for the people with kids who don't watch the kids, who run all over the place, then stop right in front of people and refuse to move. Fuck you! Why did you have to breed?

I've noticed people always seem to do this kind of shit to my husband. Does he look as nice as he is? They don't seem to do it to me quite as much - probably I give off a look as bitchy as I intend to be.

If you're all in such a hurry, why don't you do us all a favor: buy an espresso machine, make your own lattes, and stay home in the first place! That way you'll save lots of time. And lots of my patience. There's not that much there to begin with, you know.

Monday, December 11, 2006

What did hell do to deserve this one?

Controversial. Mixed. Repressive.

You wouldn't think those words applied to a genocidal dictator who tortured and killed thousands, would you? They're a little weak, no?

Much better, if tongue-in-cheek, is a headline from an Argentine paper: "What did Hell do to deserve this one?"

It just galls me that news stories and headlines have described the former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet so blandly. Only the independent publications have ventured to interview spouses and family members of several people he ordered tortured and murdered. And mind you, our own government helped him get to power, and according to documents declassified by the Clinton administration, helped him get a hold of several of his "enemies" who he later had murdered.

Sick, sick, sick chapter of our history - which Henry Kissinger, by the way, defended on a news show as recently as 2001.

Bad enough that Pinochet was never brought to justice; bad enough that thousands of his supporters (supporters! Who supports a genocidal dictator?) are pissed that the current president of Chile, whose father was tortured to death by Pinochet - and herself was a victim of torture in one of his detention centers - isn't giving him a state funeral.

Boo fucking hoo!

What a sick, sorry place this world is when we can't call a murderer for what he is. Or, for that matter, give him his.

It's like Eddie Izzard says in his stand up routine: kill one person and you go to jail. Kill several people and they put you in a mental hospital. Kill thousands of people in a foreign country, and
it's almost like the world says - Well done!

How fitting he died on Dec. 10, which is International Human Rights Day.

I'm sorry he didn't spend his final years rotting in jail.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

No one's business but their own

A friend of mine saw the headline in the local paper and did a double-take.

No, she wasn't reading the National Inquirer!

"Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant."

The story I read online quoted all kinds of pro- and anti-gay groups, who had been invited by journalists to comment on the very personal lives of Mary Cheney and her partner, Heather Poe.

What the fuck? First of all, journalists who do those kinds of stories make ALL OF US journalists look bad. (I may be a freelancer, but I am still insulted!)

Secondly - who gives a shit? Why is a pregnancy anyone's business besides the family involved?

Granted, there are small items in celebrity press when a famous person is expecting, gets hitched, etc. But to play up the fact that Cheney is a lesbian, and then call political groups all over the country to yap about it, is just yellow journalism.

In these articles, anti-gay groups lamented that this child-to-be would "grow up without a father." Yeah, having two loving parents who really want the kid is a travesty, isn't it? How sad!

Pro-gay groups went out of their way to say that Poe won't have any rights as a parent because the couple lives in Virginia, which has some of the toughest laws against domestic partnerships in the nation. Good point, but what the hell is it to them? HRC was just about the only one that said anything worthwhile and impersonal, which was that this was an example that all kinds of familes make up America. (Note to self: glad to be volunteering for a group that didn't make an ass of itself!)

Let these people enjoy parenthood in peace! It's no one else's affair.

Oh, yeah, and call the Associated Press - I'm going to have sex with my husband tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Things we'd really like to say in holiday cards

So I am a schmuck - I vowed not to send a holiday card to anyone I didn't like, and I failed miserably.

I do not like him. I wish I would not have to see him or work with him on volunteer projects. I wish I could send a card saying this, but it wouldn't be terribly socially acceptable. Nor would sending cards to the other 9 volunteers I work with, but not him. Sad.

Likewise, it's tempting to send religious, non-Christian cards to the fundamentalist members of my family, who insist on talking endlessly about their religion but don't want to hear about anyone else's. But I don't think they're familiar with Ramadan, Diwali, Kwanzaa, or even Hanukkah, for that matter, so it would probably be money down the drain.

So how about a new approach? If we have to send cards to people we'd rather not acknowledge, perhaps we could inscribe our own very personal messages to each of them. (I actually only know of one person bold enough to do this, but aside from you, Bernadette, the rest of us will just have to pretend to have the guts!) This would also surely prevent any future holiday correspondence.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Sorry I have to address this card to both of you, because I only like one of you. I like you, but your spouse/partner/significant other is a real shit.

2. Sorry we are related. If we weren't related, I wouldn't be sending you a card. But we are related, so I have to send this and pretend that I like you. In fact, you probably don't like me either, so let's quit wasting stamps and paper, shall we?

3. I'm sending you this card because you sent me one. I hadn't thought of you as card-worthy, but I'll look like a jerk if I don't send one now. That's why it's late.

4. I'm sending you this nonreligious card to piss you off. Because the religious cards you send bug the fuck out of me.

5. We live so far away! If you're ever in the area...please don't contact me.

6. Thank you for sending me the news from the past year. The reason you have to send a year full of news into one holiday card is because neither of us like the other one enough to call or write the other 364 days. In fact, I talk behind your back quite a lot.

7. Thanks for the picture of your family. Unfortunately, I don't like any of them, so it was a waste of film.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

My very own top 10 list

Sadly enough, nothing of note has pissed me off enough to write about in the last few I was sitting here wondering, what normally pisses me off? I mean, day-to-day pisses me off? Why, the list is long...the material is there...but sadly, I don't have unlimited space here to list too many. (And there are many.) So the top 10 things that REALLY piss me off are as follows:

1. Oregon drivers. You all seem to have learned to drive in cooking class. I've lived in seven different states, and Mexico, and the driving in all of those other places (which include Texas and New York City, neither place known for driving niceties) is positively FUCKING WONDERFUL compared to here. Every day I leave my house knowing I have to drive as defensively as I possibly can or else I will take my fucking life into my hands. So for everyone who merges without looking, panics when 1/4 of a mile away from your exit and dashes across three freeway lanes to make it (also without looking), refuses to merge, drives 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane and then speeds up when I attempt to pass you, speeds around me USING THE RIGHT SHOULDER ON THE FREEWAY (yes, this has happened twice), tailgates me in a fucking school zone but manages not to get a ticket, runs red lights two and three cars at a time, tailgates me on icy roads because I'm not going fast enough to spin off of them, talks on your fucking cell phone and speeds through the parking lot - etc., the list is too long - FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE! If the cops around here did anything besides sitting and waiting for speeders at 5 a.m., you'd all deserve to lose your fucking drivers' licenses.

2. People who have the most annoying cell phone rings. You're also the same people who insist on answering it and talking at least five octaves louder than you must talk, and always in public places like cafes where people are reading, studying, and trying to have a GOOD TIME WITHOUT LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSHIT! And it is INVARIABLY bullshit. I've yet to hear someone whose phone plays the macarena at a loud volume answer the phone for anything actually important.

3. Most SUV drivers. Not only do you have to be socially irresponsible aplenty, you typically are the ones driving and talking and almost running over little kids at the same time.

4. People with "Bush/Cheney04" and "W" stickers on their SUVS, trucks, etc. Sorry, but I've NEVER seen one of those stickers on a fuel-efficient vehicle. The next time it gets really cold, I plan to spit on one of those stickers and watch it freeze. Or, better yet, piss on it.

5. People who smoke right in front of doorways to public places. Fuck all of you! When I was a smoker, I wasn't that rude. In fact, I quit smoking because I DON'T WANT TO PAY TO GET CANCER. So please, go kill yourselves in your own homes or backyards with your cancer sticks.

6. Customer service people who say, after you've just piped up about an egregious customer service experience, that "you're the only one who's complained." Yeah, right. And I'm the only one who's stupid enough to believe you.

7. Women who sleep around at work and show off about it. You make us all look bad! Talk about promoting sexism! One that I used to work with comes to mind...although if I was a guy, I wouldn't fuck her.

8. People who get uptight when you say the word "fuck," but think it's perfectly OK to invade other countries for oil and gut the Constitution.

9. Nonprofits who, instead of thanking you after you make a donation, immediately send another solicitation. Even worse, I recently received one that had the balls to say "Your thank you is enclosed" and enclosed was actually - guess what? - another solicitation.

10. People who kill animals just for fun. I bet you're all hung like mosquitos.