Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Things we'd really like to say in holiday cards

So I am a schmuck - I vowed not to send a holiday card to anyone I didn't like, and I failed miserably.

I do not like him. I wish I would not have to see him or work with him on volunteer projects. I wish I could send a card saying this, but it wouldn't be terribly socially acceptable. Nor would sending cards to the other 9 volunteers I work with, but not him. Sad.

Likewise, it's tempting to send religious, non-Christian cards to the fundamentalist members of my family, who insist on talking endlessly about their religion but don't want to hear about anyone else's. But I don't think they're familiar with Ramadan, Diwali, Kwanzaa, or even Hanukkah, for that matter, so it would probably be money down the drain.

So how about a new approach? If we have to send cards to people we'd rather not acknowledge, perhaps we could inscribe our own very personal messages to each of them. (I actually only know of one person bold enough to do this, but aside from you, Bernadette, the rest of us will just have to pretend to have the guts!) This would also surely prevent any future holiday correspondence.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Sorry I have to address this card to both of you, because I only like one of you. I like you, but your spouse/partner/significant other is a real shit.

2. Sorry we are related. If we weren't related, I wouldn't be sending you a card. But we are related, so I have to send this and pretend that I like you. In fact, you probably don't like me either, so let's quit wasting stamps and paper, shall we?

3. I'm sending you this card because you sent me one. I hadn't thought of you as card-worthy, but I'll look like a jerk if I don't send one now. That's why it's late.

4. I'm sending you this nonreligious card to piss you off. Because the religious cards you send bug the fuck out of me.

5. We live so far away! If you're ever in the area...please don't contact me.

6. Thank you for sending me the news from the past year. The reason you have to send a year full of news into one holiday card is because neither of us like the other one enough to call or write the other 364 days. In fact, I talk behind your back quite a lot.

7. Thanks for the picture of your family. Unfortunately, I don't like any of them, so it was a waste of film.


leftcoastbob said...

You can always send them the "Fuck Christmas!" by Eric Idle that you were kind enough to send me! :-)

Darth Weasel said...

ha! my problem every holiday, b-day, etc. with Arlene...how to say "celebrate on your own, if it wasn't for the misery you would cause Dad if I didn't acknowledge you in this event you would not even get a hello"
We did, however, once find a card that basically said "We know everything you have done for this family". It let her think what she wanted but we knew what it meant.