Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things not to say to me at work, part 2: event week edition

Background: I am planning a luncheon for about 300 that's happening next week.

1. "I might be bringing a guest."
To a formal event at $25 a head.
Dream reply: "No, you mightn't. I need to know FOR SURE RIGHT FUCKING NOW or your guest can eat the napkins."

2. "I probably should have called first."
Before entering my office and disrupting a meeting with potential sponsors.
Dream reply: "Yes, you definitely fucking should have."

3. "Is it free? Then I'll bring six people."
Says the sponsor who donated less than it will cost to have six people there."
Dream reply: "Not in this lifetime, darling."

4. "Can you do dairy-free AND gluten-free? It's not because of a food allergy, but if you can do it, that would be great."
Yes, I really got this request.
Dream reply: "Um, then WHY THE FUCK are you making the request? You only eat wheat and dairy on the weekends? Or do you just want to make my life more difficult?"

5. "Can you seat him/her next to some strong supporters of our cause?"

Dream reply: "I thought I'd sit next to someone who doesn't support our cause, but whom I have invited anyhow, just 'cause I had the extra money and time to spend."

6. "I don't want to sit next to so-and-so."

Dream reply: "This is not fucking elementary school!"

7. "I know the date for the RSVP has passed, but..."

Dream reply: "Yes, it has. Tough fucking luck, eh?"

8. "Can I have a personal introduction to (insert name of politican attending event.)
Dream reply: "Well actually, sure, because I know him/her SO well, and even though I barely know you, I'll go out of my way to arrange it, and I was just planning on twiddling my thumbs anyhow."

9. "You should have (totally unrelated person who has nothing to do with our cause) speak at the event."
Dream reply: "Sure. I'll invite him/her when monkeys start flying out of my ass. How's that?"

10. And last, but not least, my favorite: "Who's at the head table?"
Dream reply: "Not you!"


Ily said...

Number 9 is cute. I love that expression.

For some reason I always get expressions with "ass" in them all wrong. I told Coby the other day, "stop smoking blow up my ass!" and he was like, WTF??

This is what happens when you speak 95 percent Spanish all day, Chica! :)

Riot Kitty said...

Ily: That *is* an English expression! You're good ;)

Darrin.. said...


My most recent "Thing not to say to me at work" happened after doing a favor for a manager in another department. Oh yeah.. He didn't "fully" explain to me exactly what he wanted.

When he saw I didn't do exactly what he had wanted, he searched me out, got in my face, and in a laughable attempt to try to intimidate me said;

"WHY did you feel the need NOT to do what I asked?"

The situation didn't turn out like he thought. I didn't cower, and furthermore.. when the manager of MY department found out he was stepping over the line, he called the tool out and ripped him a new one. (The moron treats me really well these days) LOL!

Fireblossom said...

Yeah, Ily, that's the right expression, I guess Coby just never heard it.

Nice picture of you to start this post, Twin!

G said...

And....................here I is.

Had one of those momentos yesterduh.

Doing a bunch of mindless printing of screen shots so that I could look busy to the powers that be (not my supervisor, but my supervisor's bosses), I found a nifty little ERR-OR that required notifying the proper "smart" person that this needed to be fixed.

Anywho, this proper "smart" person, whose job title means that they earn about $1K more biweekly than I do because they are "smarter" than me (right), started asking my advice on the proper procedure.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....I don't care to do your job for you, because I don't like your particular job to begin with, and even though I qualify more than you do to do your JOB to begin with, if I had to do your JOB, I would be so FUCKIN' BORED OUT OF MY MIND THAT I FIND THINGS TO FUCK UP JUST TO KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED.

steps down off the high chair

Anywho, I passed the e-mail on to my boss and said, "Can you please tell her what it is exactly she has to do? Because I don't think I could tell her without getting into TROUBLE.


mac said...

My dream answer to number 10...Me, and you, if you bring your own knee-pads.

Darth Weasel said...

regarding number 1...if it is 25 dollars a head, do you charge extra for Siamese Twins?

Bad joke part II: Regarding number 1, if it is 25 dollars a head, how much is it if we bring the whole body?

Bad Joke Part 3: If it is 25 dollars a head, Futurama is going to have to pony up a LOT of money...

Granny Annie said...

Are we supposed to believe that you DID NOT say the dream replies?

Lynn said...

This puts me in mind of getting stuck with the planning of my department's holiday luncheon once. OMG - the dietary restrictions (I thought I was going to have to serve water only) and my favorite "I don't want to come to the luncheon, could I have the money for my headcount instead?," etc, etc. Shaking head - still not over it. :)

Riot Kitty said...

Darrin: Wow, what an asshole. Good for you and your boss.
G: I have SO worked with people like that...and wondered how the hell they tie their shoelaces in the morning, let alone get into that kind of job.
Mac: LMAO!
Darth: Yes, you would like a spanking!
GA: Yeah, because I only thought of them last night while I was writing this ;)
L: That is just ugly.

LL Cool Joe said...

I think number 10 is my favourite. Like Granny Annie I have the impression that these were the actual answers, and not dream ones at all. ;)

G said...

Favoritism young lady, favoritism.

Riot Kitty said...

Joey: In my dreams!
G: I was thinking more along the lines of oral sex, but what do I know? ;O

Shionge said...

I still have colleague who refuses to sit who so & so in a dinner or function...gosh...grow up people!!!

Snaggle Tooth said...

N I finally came over to see what your rant was today-

Sounds like a job I wouldn't want- like when daughter's wedding plans were getting set-up. Aunts n uncles who don't get along- n folks who think the plans are flexible! Bad enough you have to count on vegitarian dishes-
Well, at least they're paying you for it!
Just smile n say" I'll see what I can do-"

Ally said...

Wow how do you not go nuts at work. That shiz would drive me insane!

Riot Kitty said...

S: Exactly!
ST & A: Mostly I love my job - we only do this event once a year, thankfully.

G said...

Oooookay....I just got a revolting image flash through my head.

Many thanks oh twistd one for giving me that image.

Me thinks I owe you for that 'un....

Riot Kitty said...

G: Now I have to know...is she 100 years old? Green and hairy and covered with scales?? LOL

Anil P said...

300? Wow. That's something. I could never be able to organise something of that size.

Fun list. I'm sure as the date nears, there'll more to add to the list :-)

Riot Kitty said...

Anil: Sure you could! It only requires being organized and a bit bossy ;)

There's also a conference for 150, a dinner for 350 and a walk with 2,000 (each year), but for some reason this luncheon is the biggest pain in the ass.

But you're right - there will be more for sure.

Mike_D said...

Stupid Branch!!! Panda assassin will EAT YOUR SOUL!!! DIE, Die branch die!!!

Why, yes, I am fluent in Panda-Japanese. You're not. Sorry about that. Sounds like you got a bum rap.

Green tea said...

I am stealing number 6 for future use kitty.. you make my day!!! :D