Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Things not to say to me at work, part 2: event week edition
Background: I am planning a luncheon for about 300 that's happening next week.
1. "I might be bringing a guest." To a formal event at $25 a head.
Dream reply: "No, you mightn't. I need to know FOR SURE RIGHT FUCKING NOW or your guest can eat the napkins."
2. "I probably should have called first." Before entering my office and disrupting a meeting with potential sponsors.
Dream reply: "Yes, you definitely fucking should have."
3. "Is it free? Then I'll bring six people." Says the sponsor who donated less than it will cost to have six people there."
Dream reply: "Not in this lifetime, darling."
4. "Can you do dairy-free AND gluten-free? It's not because of a food allergy, but if you can do it, that would be great." Yes, I really got this request.
Dream reply: "Um, then WHY THE FUCK are you making the request? You only eat wheat and dairy on the weekends? Or do you just want to make my life more difficult?"
5. "Can you seat him/her next to some strong supporters of our cause?"
Dream reply: "I thought I'd sit next to someone who doesn't support our cause, but whom I have invited anyhow, just 'cause I had the extra money and time to spend."
6. "I don't want to sit next to so-and-so."
Dream reply: "This is not fucking elementary school!"
7. "I know the date for the RSVP has passed, but..."
Dream reply: "Yes, it has. Tough fucking luck, eh?"
8. "Can I have a personal introduction to (insert name of politican attending event.)
Dream reply: "Well actually, sure, because I know him/her SO well, and even though I barely know you, I'll go out of my way to arrange it, and I was just planning on twiddling my thumbs anyhow."
9. "You should have (totally unrelated person who has nothing to do with our cause) speak at the event."
Dream reply: "Sure. I'll invite him/her when monkeys start flying out of my ass. How's that?"
10. And last, but not least, my favorite: "Who's at the head table?"
Dream reply: "Not you!"