Thursday, March 11, 2010
Things not to say to me at work
Most of the time I love my job, but there are moments - OK, there are people - that drive me nuts. It's maybe 5 percent of who I deal with, but they have all fucking called me this week!
Here is a top 10 list of things I'd prefer no one ask me again (ha! like that's going to happen.) I can dream can't I? And... for giggles...10 answers I'd love to be able to give.
1. "I'm going to put a bee in your bonnet."
Yes, someone really called and said that - those were the first words out of her mouth after I answered the phone. The bee? She (a volunteer teacher/major bitch) was upset that our national organization had updated their marketing materials. She didn't like them.
Dream answer: "Tough shit, lady. By the way, I wish I had as much time as you do, calling about marketing materials. Must be nice. PS Fuck you!"
2. "I know you already sent this a couple of times, but can you e-mail me...(fill in the blank.)"
Dream answer: "No, I can't. Part of my mental illness is an extremely rare form of OCD that makes me have panic attacks when asked to resend an e-mail I've already sent more than once."
3. "I know that you weren't here then, but (fill in complaint about past staff/volunteer/etc.)"
Dream answer: "You're right, I wasn't. So why the hell are you complaining to me?"
4. Asking me the same question 12 different ways, after I've already explained that I don't know the answer, and that they will have to wait until the appropriate person can call them back.
Dream answer: "You know what? You can ask 12 more ways, and I still won't know the answer. I'll just be more irritated. How about it?"
5. "Is he back in the office yet?"
Dream answer: "No, my boss is not back in the office yet. Has it dawned on you that if you keep on calling, it won't make him come back any faster? That perhaps he has not returned your call from half an hour ago because HE'S NOT FUCKING HERE?"
6. "Can you tell me the answer on the phone AND e-mail it to me?" This, after they are writing down a phone number.
Dream answer: "Do you have a short-term memory problem? Because if you do, I hear there are medications that can help with that."
7. "I left (insert name of volunteer) a message and they haven't called back yet." When did they call? "This morning."
Dream answer: "I believe the expression is, 'hold your horses.'"
8. "I think you should have (fill in the blank: person totally unrelated to our event) speak at your event."
Dream answer: "It's good to want things. But no, we're not going to have Don King at the wine-tasting event."
9. Explaining the selfish/egocentric/mendacious/lazy behavior of a totally competent person: "S/he has a mental illness."
Dream answer: "So do I, and I'm not an asshole!"
10. "But why can't I have/why can't you/why can't the organization (fill in blank with unreasonable demand.)"
Dream answer: "Because you are a huge pain in the ass and I don't like you! That's why!"