Thursday, March 11, 2010

Things not to say to me at work

Most of the time I love my job, but there are moments - OK, there are people - that drive me nuts. It's maybe 5 percent of who I deal with, but they have all fucking called me this week!

Here is a top 10 list of things I'd prefer no one ask me again (ha! like that's going to happen.) I can dream can't I? And... for giggles...10 answers I'd love to be able to give.

1. "I'm going to put a bee in your bonnet."
Yes, someone really called and said that - those were the first words out of her mouth after I answered the phone. The bee? She (a volunteer teacher/major bitch) was upset that our national organization had updated their marketing materials. She didn't like them.

Dream answer: "Tough shit, lady. By the way, I wish I had as much time as you do, calling about marketing materials. Must be nice. PS Fuck you!"

2. "I know you already sent this a couple of times, but can you e-mail me...(fill in the blank.)"

Dream answer: "No, I can't. Part of my mental illness is an extremely rare form of OCD that makes me have panic attacks when asked to resend an e-mail I've already sent more than once."

3. "I know that you weren't here then, but (fill in complaint about past staff/volunteer/etc.)"

Dream answer:
"You're right, I wasn't. So why the hell are you complaining to me?"

4. Asking me the same question 12 different ways, after I've already explained that I don't know the answer, and that they will have to wait until the appropriate person can call them back.

Dream answer: "You know what? You can ask 12 more ways, and I still won't know the answer. I'll just be more irritated. How about it?"

5. "Is he back in the office yet?"

Dream answer: "No, my boss is not back in the office yet. Has it dawned on you that if you keep on calling, it won't make him come back any faster? That perhaps he has not returned your call from half an hour ago because HE'S NOT FUCKING HERE?"

6. "Can you tell me the answer on the phone AND e-mail it to me?" This, after they are writing down a phone number.

Dream answer: "Do you have a short-term memory problem? Because if you do, I hear there are medications that can help with that."

7. "I left (insert name of volunteer) a message and they haven't called back yet." When did they call? "This morning."

Dream answer:
"I believe the expression is, 'hold your horses.'"

8. "I think you should have (fill in the blank: person totally unrelated to our event) speak at your event."

Dream answer:
"It's good to want things. But no, we're not going to have Don King at the wine-tasting event."

9. Explaining the selfish/egocentric/mendacious/lazy behavior of a totally competent person: "S/he has a mental illness."

Dream answer:
"So do I, and I'm not an asshole!"

10. "But why can't I have/why can't you/why can't the organization (fill in blank with unreasonable demand.)"

Dream answer: "Because you are a huge pain in the ass and I don't like you! That's why!"


Lynn said...

My grandmother used to use that phrase "bee in her bonnet" - that is funny and I haven't heard that in years.

I hope that all these folks leave you alone next week and that you will have a peaceful week! :)

G said...

Oh the joy of working in an office environment, where worker drones such as ourselves, are forced to deal with the toddlers that pass themselves off as ADULTS.

I actually say what you say to the same type of people, although I do it while composing/reading/responding to thier e-mails or voice mails.

Within earshot of my co-workers, but definitely not in earshot of the people in question.

While I may have a decent working relationship with some of the people I deal with on a daily/weekly basis, you can bet you sweet bippy (Laugh-In reference there) that when need be, I can be an ultra prick to those same people should the need arise.

Gotta learn how to 1) put people in their place and 2) maintain that tiny bit of info that enable you to put that particular person in their place to begin with.

Sorry about the lengthy answer, as your post happen to joggle one of a multitude of memories that are better being posted on a blog's comment section as opposed to my own blog.

Hmmm: word verification is "becout".

LL Cool Joe said...

I've just checked all my emails to you because I'm convinced I've done some of the above..

I'm sorry.

Logical Libby said...

Mental illness is never an excuse of bad behavior. That kind of shit puts a bee in my bonnet.

Riot Kitty said...

L: Thanks!
G: I knew you could relate :)
Joey: No, you never have! Don't worry ;)
L: Well said!

Mama Zen said...

Oh, my. I've actually said dream answer #4 recently!

Ily said...

I think I've used #3 in the past. :)

Amazing how many people can be a pain in the ass and not even know it.

Claire said...

I swear, I could have written this post. It wouldn't have been as funny, but it would have said the same thing!


Fireblossom said...

Hold up, B, there's horse shit in your bonnet.

Oops. I think I mixed my metaphors. *shrug + grin*

Riot Kitty said...

MZ: I may break down and try that myself!
Ily: If they don't know it, that makes them even bigger pains, doesn't it? ;)
Claire: Glad you found it funny! It's my comic relief.

Green tea said...

And all you did was smile and nod I know.. :)

mac said...

Dream answer number six reminded me of my dear sweet Uncle Joe.

I was visiting him once and he told me he had been seeing a doctor to help with his memory problem.

"Is it helping?" I asked.

"Sure it is! My memory has improved 137% in the last few weeks."

That's great, Joe. What's the Drs name, so I can see him if I have the same issues as I age?" I ask, again.
He said,
"Ummm, ahhh, you know, ahh, ummm,
oh crap, ummm. Ahhh, What do you call that flower that everyone gives to their sweetheart?"

"A rose, Joe"

"Yeah, that's it!" He answers and looks over his shoulder and hollers, " Hey, Rose! What's that freakin' doctor's name?"

Riot Kitty said...

GT: Pretty close, believe it or not!
Mac: That is hilarious!

JLee said...

haha..I like number 9! ;)

Riot Kitty said...

JLee: Odd that you say that - it's the one thing I have actually said aloud in the office! :)

Darth Weasel said...

sadly, I find those answers curiously restrained for you...tell us how you really feel :-)