A friend asked me a horrible question last night - because it was about another friend. One she plans to sleep with.
Her: "I should probably pick up some condoms, just in case. What size do you think I should get?"
Me: "I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT MR X'S DICK!!!!"
But seriously. That got me thinking. Not about Mr. X's dick, but I mean, how does one buy condoms for a partner? I've only bought them once, years ago, for someone I was already dating.
I never thought about what size to get (in that case, I already knew.)
So why don't they make assorted condom packages? You know, just in case? Like a box of doughnuts.
Then I got curious: what sizes ARE available? Online, there was a chart.
Apparently, for all of those SUV-driving, gun-toting manly men out there, there is no such size as "small." There is a size called "trim."
TRIM!!
Like a fucking diet pill!!
Who came up with that one? Can you picture the marketing suits sitting around the table working that one out?
Marking person #1: "Let's try 'teeny.'"
Marketing person #2: "Perhaps 'slim.'"
Marketing person #3: "I've got it! 'Trim!'"
Marketing person #3 won the prize and the other two got fired.
Seriously, SOMEONE had to go out and do the research for this chart.
Someone had to buy each pack - did they draw straws, and the shortest straw got "trim"? Or maybe, Mr. RK says, Sally from accounts payable just happened to be familiar with all of them?
And what about "wide"? What the fuck? How wide is wide?
And who had to measure each condom before posting the information online? Inquiring minds want to know!
Who thought glow-in-the-dark was a good idea? Or the bubble-gum flavored ones? Are these for comic book fans?
All I know is...I hope I never have to see one of these again. Or think about any of my friends wearing them. Don't get me wrong: safe sex is important; I just don't want to picture it.
PS If you click on the image, it becomes full size. Ha.
17 comments:
Every year when I have gone to Pride, I have collected flavored condoms for a different straight person in my life. The oddest time was collecting them, giving to them to my mom who in turn gave them to my sister... and people wonder why I'm single.
The strangest was a guy I dated who's penis went off to the side, like it was drunk or pondering something.
Scratch that-- there was that guy who was REALLY wide, but SUPER short- like a squashed beer can.
Do they make condoms in short and fat sizes, like the Big and Tall men's clothing store?
I can hardly get passed Kim's comment, I'm laughing so hard!
I don't have anything to add, I've only bought condoms (standard size, yet does the trick)for my husband (my only partner, boring I know!).
My in-laws still think that condoms are some sort of sex toy. Catholics!
Kim, I read that and laughed my ass off! Mr. RK says, "Like the Danny Devito of condoms?"
Aliceson: Nothing wrong with standard size!!
SBC: What flavors?
I have a feeling the comments are going to be hilarious...
The Danny DeVito of condoms! Too funny! :) Poor Danny DeVito.
You and Kim had me cracking up tonight. Thanks for the laughs!
I think they should have three easy to understand sizes: Shrimpy, Unremarkable, and Gross. Wait, that sounds like the names of dwarves.
I once read a list of the names of the Indians killed at the Little Big Horn. (short list). One of them was apparently named "Penis." Can you imagine Little White Dove taking him home to the old family teepee and saying, Mom, Dad, meet Penis!
OK, I'm leaving now.
I've never had to buy condoms. (Feel free to weep for me.) The only condoms I've ever had were the ones my mother got me. (Feel free to weep for me.)
Unfortunately I have dated way to many men (wait, not way to many, that makes me sound bad) who have needed the "trim" size. Unfortunately these were also the men who thought they needed the "mega" size. Awkward...
Maybe keep in your nightstand a small, medium and large just like the 3 bears.
Since I am a born again virgin, I have not had to deal with this issue. HAHA! But now you have me thinking. Maybe I need to ask my kids for input - they are really savvy on this stuff. Should I ever decide to have sex again, I will be sure and reference this post for assistance!! :)
Good GOD! Is this what the "I have an idea" text last night was about? See what I get for having a fever...
Um, my funniest condom story had to do with a boyfriend who actually couldn't keep the "trim" size on, it kept falling off. My charming response? "You are SOOOO not touching me with that... THING." Um, immediately followed by his being an ex boyfriend.
And you wonder why you get spammed by porn sites...
I've always found the "MEGA, EXTRA LARGE, YOU ARE HUNG LIKE AN OX" condoms too small for me. ;)
Well I'm not called LL Cool Joe (Ladies Love Cool Joe) for no reason. :)
I'm not even gonna touch this one.
Heh... Word Verification word...hemen.
Shouldn't that first "e" be a "y" for this post?
There....I touched it anyway.
Oh my god!! That is hysterical. I think condoms should be marketed as "large" for all sizes, so they will get bought regardless. ha
Maybe "petite" is not a good word to describe condoms. lol
FB: So would a marriage make that person Little White Dove-Penis? None of my native American relatives had such clever names...
Tart: Like Goldilocks! I love it!
My sympathy to all who've had too many "trims"
GE: Looking and no touching isn't any fun! See, you figured that out ;)
Obviously the ladies love cool Joe ;)
JLee: You should be in marketing ;)
OMG :D How do I sleep after this? :D
Hubba is going to wonder what I am giggling about.
*Meows* at kitty =(^.^)=
Riot kitty is indeed a riot, BUT she didn't study the chart...I did and now I'm really confused!
I never knew they made "form fitting" condoms that are wider at the head than the trunk..er otay, I'm never going to buy condoms again, what is a girl suppose to do? Ask perspective dates for their penial measurements? Carry a measuring tape?
Boys are sensitive, I can hear it now - I can't perform under this kind of pressure! The tape lies! ...where are you going?...Stop laughing you bitch!
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