Saturday, February 02, 2008

It is to laugh (not to spell correctly)

My brother sent this to me, but I could not help asking a few questions (bold font added by yours truly.)

30 things you may not have known

1. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

2. Wearing headphones for 1 hour will increase the bacteria in you ear by 700 times.

*And it becomes *me* ear? Does the bacteria create ebonics?*

3. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end due to the rate of reproduction.

*Who was bored or stoned enough to imagine this scenario?*

4. The average human body contains enough sulfur to kill all the fleas on an average dog.
*What are we waiting for? Natural pest control!*

5. You are more likely to be target for mosquitos if you eat bananas.
*You are more likely not to know how to spell if you are the original writer of this list.*

6. The average person's left hand does 56of the typing.
*What is 56of ?*

7. In medieval England, beer was often served with breakfast.

8. The first man-made item to exceed the speed of sound was a leather whip.
*I'd really like to know who found this out. A dominatrix with a physics degree?*

9. The most common non-contagious disease in the world is tooth decay.
*I thought it was stupidity.*

10. A cat's jaw can not move sideways.
*How many times did the cat have to bite them before they came to this conclusion?*

11. The names of all the continents end with the same letter they started with.
*Um...hello? North America, South America. Is our children learning?*

12. If you stood at the bottom of a well, you would be able to see the stars even during the daytime.
*Is this based on firsthand experience? Was entering the well accidental, I wonder?*

13. Grapes will explode if you put them in the microwave.
*Again, I'd love to know if this was done on purpose.*

14. Starfish do not have brains.
*Neither do Republicans*

15. Cats have better memories than dogs.
*Duh! That's because they're smarter and more vindictive.*

16. The largest number of children born to one woman is 69.
*You've got to be fucking kidding me. No pun intended.*

17. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
*And if you keep it in my brother's college dorm room, it will eat the other fish and eventually die, because my brother will forget to feed it. Sadly, this is true.*

18. Clouds fly higher during the day than at night.
*Clouds fly? Do they wear capes?*

19. One human brain generates more electrical impulses in one day than all the world's telephones put together.
*Not the brain of the one who wrote this list.*

20. The Bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissable in an American court.
*Are we agreed at this point that this person should have hit spell check?*

21. On average 13 people die each year from vending machines falling on them.
*On average? How does one calculate this kind of average? "Well, last year was a slow year - only two people. But the year before that made up for it - there were at least 23.*

22. An elephant can throw a baseball faster than a human.
*Again, how much pot was this person smoking?*

23. Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
*I'm going to create a word for the phobia of really ridiculous lists making their way into my inbox.*

24. Mozart wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" when he was 5 years old.

25. There are 3 golf balls sitting on the moon.
*That's where they went?*

26. A zebra is white with black stripes, not black with white stripes.
*Um, how can you tell?*

27. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a spid
*What is a spid?*

28. A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
*I think "gives" is a euphemism, don't you?*

29. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*A few less than the number of typos in this list.*

30. The total length of eyelashes shed by a human in thier lifetime is over 30 metres.
*OK, it's a Brit. "Metres" = OK. "Thier" when you mean "their"? Not OK!*


Darth Weasel said...

"A zebra is white with black stripes, not black with white stripes.
*Um, how can you tell?*"

Well, a group went on safari and deep in the desert they came across a curious scene. There stood a loin-cloth clad, muscle bound bronze Adonis with 2 cans of paint and a bunch of pure white and pure black 4 hoof creatures in front of him.
"Who is that?" asked Joe.
"Oh, that is Tarzan." replied the guide.
"What is he doing?"
"Well, he is painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras."

A few years later Joe went on safari again. Sure enough, there in the middle of the desert they came again across Tarzan with 2 cans of paint and two groups of solid colored zebras.
Another tourist said, "Who is that?"
"What is he doing?"
The guide explained and then Joe said, "Wow, he isn't good at it. I was here a few years ago and he was doing the same thing."
The guide nodded. "Of course he was. Don't you know that Tarzan stripes forever?"
(Say it out loud, that is the punch line)

note: this post not spell-checcked...

Foster Communications said...

Ok so now I want to go stick a grape in my microwave!

Green tea said...

Since My Hubba wears hearing aids I assume his ears are full of bacteria

I love # 14..LOL

Leslie said...

21. On average 13 people die each year from vending machines falling on them.

... and 100% of the people killed by falling vending machines were rocking them, trying to dislodge the dangling snack.