Monday, April 27, 2009
If I ran the store
Do you remember that awesome Dr. Seuss book, "If I Ran the Zoo"? (Yes, I love kids' books - good ones - I just realized I've posted including a Dr. Seuss reference twice in a week now.)
Well I propose to write a new one - "If I Ran the Store."
It would just be a book of rules to be enforced everywhere that I shop. Or maybe I could just read them aloud and freak people out.
Why? Because when I go shopping, if there are more than, say, 3 other people there, it is a miserable experience. So we should set the bar a little higher, hmm?
You will not, will not, park your shopping cart sideways across the aisle. This makes me pissed - I will not smile.
You have some kids, your kids make noise; I don't care if they're girls or boys. When they holler, forever more; please GET THEM THE FUCK OUT OF THE STORE.
You wanted bread, you touched it lots; I am now thinking evil thoughts. You buy the bread - I spare your tires; put it back, well...you get the point.
Those little carts the children like, will be the first to take a hike. (If your kid loves them, you can follow them out the door, too.)
I move ahead, you step in front; I say, "See here, you fucking..." (Oh ok, ok...)
You leave your cart. You don't return. I'm moving up - your stuff can burn.
Your phone is loud and so are you - I'd like to put you in some poo. (That would silence the phone anyway.)
The checker asks about my day - I think of something crude to say.
"I just had sex with 20 goats."
"That's sounds quite nice," the checker notes. (Why can't you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone?)
What do you think? Shall I go read it out loud at Trader Joe's?