Monday, April 27, 2009

If I ran the store

Do you remember that awesome Dr. Seuss book, "If I Ran the Zoo"? (Yes, I love kids' books - good ones - I just realized I've posted including a Dr. Seuss reference twice in a week now.)

Well I propose to write a new one - "If I Ran the Store."

It would just be a book of rules to be enforced everywhere that I shop. Or maybe I could just read them aloud and freak people out.

Why? Because when I go shopping, if there are more than, say, 3 other people there, it is a miserable experience. So we should set the bar a little higher, hmm?

Here goes:

You will not, will not, park your shopping cart sideways across the aisle. This makes me pissed - I will not smile.

You have some kids, your kids make noise; I don't care if they're girls or boys. When they holler, forever more; please GET THEM THE FUCK OUT OF THE STORE.

You wanted bread, you touched it lots; I am now thinking evil thoughts. You buy the bread - I spare your tires; put it back, get the point.

Those little carts the children like, will be the first to take a hike. (If your kid loves them, you can follow them out the door, too.)

I move ahead, you step in front; I say, "See here, you fucking..." (Oh ok, ok...)

You leave your cart. You don't return. I'm moving up - your stuff can burn.

Your phone is loud and so are you - I'd like to put you in some poo. (That would silence the phone anyway.)

The checker asks about my day - I think of something crude to say.
"I just had sex with 20 goats."
"That's sounds quite nice," the checker notes. (Why can't you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone?)

What do you think? Shall I go read it out loud at Trader Joe's?


Darth Weasel said...

nice work. You should be the modern, Judd Apatow inspired Dr. Seuss

LL Cool Joe said...

"Your phone is loud and so are you - I'd like to put you in some poo."

My 10 year old would love that! :D Well not being put in poo, the line.

Only 20 goats? I've heard sheep are more fun.

Scarlet said...

Fantastic! Love the kitty pic!

I'll take 10 of those books, please...or if you'd like to come to Miami and read aloud, that would work.

Fireblossom said...

Twin, this is freaking hysterical. here's another--sorry it doesn't rhyme: old ladies who take out their 1890s coin purse at the check-out and are too blind to distinguish one coin from another, and so they take half an hour and require the checker's help in order to pay 3.27 for their purchases. Then they leave a disgusting wadded-up kleenex in the bottom of the cart. All old ladies carry these revolting tissues with them, and use them twenty times so as not to be wasteful. Then when they get home, they use the plastic shopping bags to tie up their trash in tiny little bundles. They recycle almost everything into unholy old-lady casseroles or doilies or something. Yick!

Granny Annie said...

Get ahold of the PA system in Wal-Mart and read this for all to hear. Everyone can relate.

Shionge said...

Hahhahah...rolling on the floor right now :D You cracked me up and yes go run a store I'll be first :)

JLee said...

I think you covered just about all my pet peeves. lol

Grandpa Eddie said...

So...when's this going to the printer, I could use one of those.

I fucking hate shopping at Wally World! Too many idiots!

pheromone girl said...

Nice! I want to go shoping with YOU. We can wander the aisles, leaving surprise condoms in the kiddie carts and porn under the housewives purses.


Aliceson said...

This post should be printed on shopping carts everywhere!

I think Trader Joe's is the worst for these types of encounters. The aisles are skinny and the cashiers are way too perky!

Claire said...

Love it.


skyewriter said...

This is hi-larious!

Have you ever read _The Stinky Cheeseman and Other Fairly Stupid Tales_?

You've got a gift, there, girl.

Riot Kitty said...

Hahaha! Thanks everyone...I wrote this in like 5 minutes.

Mr. RK used to read books to his nephew and change the titles - so they became "Bicurious George" and "Winnie the Pimp."

Anonymous said...

Okay... that's it, I'm going to find you an illustrator!!!!

Fireblossom said...

I know I already commented, but yesterday i was in the grocery store and this guy had his cart smack in the midddle of the rather narrow bread aisle while he was one aisle over looking at something else. DUMB!

Btw, Mr RK's alternate titles are funny! :-D

Grandpa Eddie said...

I had one this morning in Wally World. Some 50 something woman shopping with her daughter, who appeared to be in her early twenties, had her cart blocking the aisle on one side while the two of them were blocking the aisle on the other side.

I said "Excuse me" so I could get by and she just looked at me while her daughter moved. I said it again and her daughter asked her to move, too. She said to her daughter that I could wait til she was done. I got pissed at this point and said "MOVE IT BITCH!" All she could say was "Well I never!" That's when I said "IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU DID!"

The more I get to know people the more I like animals!

Riot Kitty said...

Eddie: That is fantastic! Agree with you about animals...

Green tea said...

Let me know when you are published.
I'll recommend it to my book club :D

Pouty Lips said...

"I wish, I wish, I wish I were a bitch." Oops, forgot, I am one already.

I agree with the fact that you have a gift, but do you have to rub it in that it takes you 5 minutes to pen something this good? Hmph.

Congrats on the Pop Tart Award from S.S.