Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How not to get chosen for jury duty


This is a guest blog by Mr. Riot Kitty, who was unknowingly skilled in the art of not getting selected as a circuit court juror. Here is his diary:

Hour 1: I had to remove my shoes to go through the security checkpoint. I checked, but I saw no fuses in anybody else's shoes, either. Watched a very patriotic short video explaining to me that the Revolutionary War, and the whole of U.S. history, was culminating in this moment that I'm sharing with 300 other people in this small, stinky room. (Did I mention that hour 1 began at 7:45 a.m.?)

Hour 2: Looking through Popular Science magazine, I'm impressed by the amount of bodybuilding ads.

Hour 3: Looking through Car and Driver magazine, I'm impressed by the amount of penis enlargement ads. (By the way, RK is correcting my English and trying to get me to use the word "fuck" more than I want to...oops, I've said too much.)

Hour 4: Eavesdropping on the inane conversations of my 300 co-jurors, I determine that I cannot be of the same species as any of them.

Hour 5: The bright point of my day! In the stack of magazines, there is a 1953 Science and Mechanics magazine. Apparently, a 1954 model year Studebaker is quite the pimp ride.

Hour 6: There are only 30 of us left. (I did eat lunch, but nothing funny happened, so I skipped writing about it.) The lot of us are moved into a room sized for 14 people just in case we missed the locker room smell from earlier. We are filed into the courtroom, after a 30-minute wait, and I am juror #4. Hooray! A backup juror, when walking past the judge, states that "only god can judge people," and that she doesn't believe in the judicial system. The judge says: "You're excused."

Hour 6.5: The defense attorney starts talking about "reasonable doubt." I ask him, "How do I know if my doubt is reasonable?" (Note from RK: He really did say this!) This annoys the defense attorney, who gets defensive.

Hour 7: The prosecutor asks if I think circumstantial evidence is sufficient to ensure my certainty ... blah blah blah blah blah. I reply, "The only way that I can be certain is if I was there." She does not like this answer. She tries a different tactic, and gets the same result. She did not like that one, either.

Hour 8: Riot Kitty calls. I tell her I expect to be sent home and asked not to come back tomorrow.

Hour 8.1: I am right!

13 comments:

ZIRGAR said...

Awesome! A hand well played indeed! I also got out of jury duty many moons ago by having a deliberative and philosophical discussion with the judge, the prosecutors and the defenders about how my subjectivity cannot be left at the door and that objectivity cannot emerge from out of some judicial vaccum, that even the terms used in that particular the case reflected a somewhat pervasive societal bias so how am I supposed to be free of it? They laughed and let me go, saying that with that kind of thinking I was the kind of juror they needed, but couldn't afford to have on the jury. lol

Darth Weasel said...

In jury questioning I was once asked whether I thought a police officer was more trustworthy than other people. After my response the judge said I was "perilously close to a contempt of court charge". Had he only known that was exactly what I had for him and the system....

LL Cool Joe said...

So what you are telling me it's not like Ally McBeal in real life then?
Damn.

Aliceson said...

Too bad they made him stay all day. I just hope that I never have to rely on a jury of my peers. After hours holed up in smelly rooms I can't imagine anyone being overly compassionate to a person on trial.

Granny Annie said...

"How do I know if my doubt is reasonable?" quote Mr.Riot Kitty
4-21-09

Everyone save this quote for future use if you need to get out of jury duty. It's a winner!

pheromone girl said...

I think the whole syster should be scrapped and we should let the squirrels vote.

vivavavoom said...

that was awesome!! but seriously...I am going to remember that answer about 'Only God can judge people" but substitute Goddess...I am near Boulder, CO for goddessake...than I can get the hell out of there asap. I have never made it past hour 2 whenever I get called. they must see me and see trouble.love the corelation between road and driver and penis enlargement...hmmmm

Scarlet said...

This is why I'm no longer a paralegal. A standing ovation for Mr. RK! I wish I could've been a fly on the wall.

JLee said...

hahah...nice work. When I was there last, the ONLY magazines were some sort of audio technician magazines. What the?

Sidhe said...

secretly jealous that I've never been called upon to judge my peers and, perhaps even more secretly, wondering what is wrong with me...

politicalmorsels.com said...

and I'm one of those sick fucks who was hoping that my number come up so I could go to jury duty (where I live we get assigned numbers for jury duty and have to call a phone number for an entire week to see if our number hit). Then again, I still get paid my salary for jury duty and to get paid to not be at work is a good thing for me. Needless to say, my number never came up so I never got to go. :-(

Green tea said...

I think I love Mr. Riot Kitty..
*grin*
Accept I would love to be on a jury so would probably play really really dumb!!
They want people that are not well informed and never read a newspaper..
Then you wonder how OJ got off..

A World Quite Mad said...

Sometimes, I get bored with work and want a change of scenery, and so when I got called for jury duty, I was like, whatever (my work pays me my regular salary if I have to do jury duty). I sat there almost all day and then they told us to come back the next day. Then when we did, after waiting half the morning, lining up to be seated, the trial was canceled because the defendant fired his attorney.

There were no magazines. Just waiting. And waiting, as they went through about 600 names. They started calling names at about 9am and didn't finish calling until lunch time. The room was packed, and I totally understand the smell and thinking that I can't possibly be the same species as these people.