Tuesday, April 21, 2009
How not to get chosen for jury duty
This is a guest blog by Mr. Riot Kitty, who was unknowingly skilled in the art of not getting selected as a circuit court juror. Here is his diary:
Hour 1: I had to remove my shoes to go through the security checkpoint. I checked, but I saw no fuses in anybody else's shoes, either. Watched a very patriotic short video explaining to me that the Revolutionary War, and the whole of U.S. history, was culminating in this moment that I'm sharing with 300 other people in this small, stinky room. (Did I mention that hour 1 began at 7:45 a.m.?)
Hour 2: Looking through Popular Science magazine, I'm impressed by the amount of bodybuilding ads.
Hour 3: Looking through Car and Driver magazine, I'm impressed by the amount of penis enlargement ads. (By the way, RK is correcting my English and trying to get me to use the word "fuck" more than I want to...oops, I've said too much.)
Hour 4: Eavesdropping on the inane conversations of my 300 co-jurors, I determine that I cannot be of the same species as any of them.
Hour 5: The bright point of my day! In the stack of magazines, there is a 1953 Science and Mechanics magazine. Apparently, a 1954 model year Studebaker is quite the pimp ride.
Hour 6: There are only 30 of us left. (I did eat lunch, but nothing funny happened, so I skipped writing about it.) The lot of us are moved into a room sized for 14 people just in case we missed the locker room smell from earlier. We are filed into the courtroom, after a 30-minute wait, and I am juror #4. Hooray! A backup juror, when walking past the judge, states that "only god can judge people," and that she doesn't believe in the judicial system. The judge says: "You're excused."
Hour 6.5: The defense attorney starts talking about "reasonable doubt." I ask him, "How do I know if my doubt is reasonable?" (Note from RK: He really did say this!) This annoys the defense attorney, who gets defensive.
Hour 7: The prosecutor asks if I think circumstantial evidence is sufficient to ensure my certainty ... blah blah blah blah blah. I reply, "The only way that I can be certain is if I was there." She does not like this answer. She tries a different tactic, and gets the same result. She did not like that one, either.
Hour 8: Riot Kitty calls. I tell her I expect to be sent home and asked not to come back tomorrow.
Hour 8.1: I am right!