Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Top 10 things that will not happen even if monkeys fly out of ... you get it.



In keeping with Joey's Top 10 Tuesday...and this song just seemed appropriate.

1. None of my friends will meet you in Orlando. You're married. They're not interested in fucking you.

2. The same friends WILL NOT return your calls or emails, Trevor of Spokane, Washington. What part of "fuck off" don't you understand?

3.In fact, if you keep bugging one of my friends, I will not hesitate to post your full name, office contact information and e-mail address on this blog. I have no fear. There is no e-mail address where you can find me, you pathetic fuck. (PS - I hear you actually ARE a pathetic fuck.)

4. Ye olde fucker whom I have referred to in a recent post - I WILL NOT have to deal with any requests from you ever again. My boss confirmed this today.

5. Also, ye olde fucker, I WILL NOT stop wishing your karma on you. I have in mind the scene from Amelie where she puts hair creme on a bully's toothpaste, sets his alarm for 3 a.m., replaces his slippers with ones that are too tight, makes his bedside lamp blow up, and has him crying for his mommy.

6. I WILL NOT stop eating DQ!

7. I will not flirt back with you, you Republican motherfucker. You're married, I'm married, and even before I was married, I tried to avoid sex with Republicans. And I think I outweigh you by about 20 pounds. Just because we're working on a fundraiser together does not mean we're friends.

8. I will not drive down to San Francisco to meet you, my supposedly happy married friend who keeps sending suggestive emails from NY.
WTF with married guys flirting, anyway?

9. I will not refrain from counting the days until the next big event at work is over, or refrain from dreaming about the big fucking cake I'm bringing into work the next day.

10. My cat will not share my pillow with me. This has been set in stone, my friends.

14 comments:

LL Cool Joe said...

Shit I thought for one moment this post was directed at me!! :D

So...I get the impression you don't like this guy much then?

Great top 10! I might have a rant next Tuesday myself!

Scarlet said...

Your PS in #3 is classic you...and I love it! :)

When I read your #8, I thought...it's not just Miami! Married men will continue to have affairs because most of the time they face no consequences. If they can get away with it, they will do it...and it's always fun for them until someone gets hurt.

Fireblossom said...

Twin! Omg! This is your best post EVER! RAWRRRRRRRR rawr-dy rawr!

BAM! And Mister Spokane hits the mat. Oh, he's down, Bob! That looks painful!

LOL, I wouldn't drive to the corner to meet a married man. Anyway, I'd be too busy with his wife. (I didn't just say that. Did I?)

Aw, tell Lucky I said to share the pillow. I don't want my Twin getting a sore neck.

I love that video! I'm going to see if I can add them to my music player at WG!

The Peach Tart said...

I love this one - "I will not flirt back with you, you Republican motherfucker. You're married, I'm married, and even before I was married, I tried to avoid sex with Republicans. And I think I outweigh you by about 20 pounds. Just because we're working on a fundraiser together does not mean we're friends.

I have a rule to never have sex with Republicans too.

Fireblossom said...

Republicans have sex?

Claire said...

I love that part in Amelie!

Cxx

Mike_D said...

Now that was a rant!!!

Do I know the dude in #8? I think so.... I can't believe he's still pulling that shit! Yeesh!

Also, I'm not mentioned, so I think I'm in the clear. I won't even go near Orlando or skinny Republicans!

Sidhe said...

Somehow this post reminded me of that old adage, "a man will go more places with a stiff dick than with a loaded gun."

RK, you slay me!

G said...

Yes, Republicans have sex.

I'm a Rebulican and I have sex.

That being said, I gather that what his name from WA has/have pissed you off to the nth degree?

Riot Kitty said...

Joey: I'd never be mad at you!
Scarlet: True.
FB: LOL!
PT: :)
Claire: I am still looking for it...
Mike: No worries! You're in the clear ;)
S: So true!
G: Really? It cannot be true! ;)

Phil said...

I'm not sure if I should laugh or be scared. I definitely am glad I'm not an old Republican. Are you corresponding with Rush Limbaugh? That's the only conclusion I can draw from this post.

Lynn said...

Ah - a democrat. Yay.

Riot Kitty said...

Phil: You tell me!
Lynn: A flaming liberal, actually.

Green tea said...

Republicans are horny old turds, anyone, anytime !!