Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Top 10 things that will not happen even if monkeys fly out of ... you get it.
In keeping with Joey's Top 10 Tuesday...and this song just seemed appropriate.
1. None of my friends will meet you in Orlando. You're married. They're not interested in fucking you.
2. The same friends WILL NOT return your calls or emails, Trevor of Spokane, Washington. What part of "fuck off" don't you understand?
3.In fact, if you keep bugging one of my friends, I will not hesitate to post your full name, office contact information and e-mail address on this blog. I have no fear. There is no e-mail address where you can find me, you pathetic fuck. (PS - I hear you actually ARE a pathetic fuck.)
4. Ye olde fucker whom I have referred to in a recent post - I WILL NOT have to deal with any requests from you ever again. My boss confirmed this today.
5. Also, ye olde fucker, I WILL NOT stop wishing your karma on you. I have in mind the scene from Amelie where she puts hair creme on a bully's toothpaste, sets his alarm for 3 a.m., replaces his slippers with ones that are too tight, makes his bedside lamp blow up, and has him crying for his mommy.
6. I WILL NOT stop eating DQ!
7. I will not flirt back with you, you Republican motherfucker. You're married, I'm married, and even before I was married, I tried to avoid sex with Republicans. And I think I outweigh you by about 20 pounds. Just because we're working on a fundraiser together does not mean we're friends.
8. I will not drive down to San Francisco to meet you, my supposedly happy married friend who keeps sending suggestive emails from NY.
WTF with married guys flirting, anyway?
9. I will not refrain from counting the days until the next big event at work is over, or refrain from dreaming about the big fucking cake I'm bringing into work the next day.
10. My cat will not share my pillow with me. This has been set in stone, my friends.