Things I have done when people have pissed me off

After reading Pheromone Girl's post about her two-faced, asshole, builder landlord whose head is far up his ass (sorry, is that redundant?), I sent her an e-mail offering to piss on his doorhandles.

I wrote, "Really, I can do this!"

I *should have* written, "Really, I have done this before!"

Some things I have done when people have pissed me off, merely considering myself an agent of karma:

1. The doorhandles. They belonged to the driver of a Volvo who had yelled at me for accidentally parking in his (unmarked) parking spot. I apologized and moved my car, but he still kept yelling. I waited until nighttime, pissed on a napkin, and wiped his doorhandles with it.

2. I got dumped via e-mail - which was a novelty and a first in early 1999 - and the asshole wrote, at the end of his e-mail, "Thank you for understanding." I wrote back, "Dear M-, Please go FUCK YOURSELF. Thank you for understanding."

3. After getting stood up - mind you, I had planned a whole weekend with someone who just failed to show up - and having a friend who was going to visit a friend of this asshole, I sent her with a pair of goggles and a note attached: "Please give these to the next girl you make a date with, so she can find it." I kinda felt bad when I heard that made him cry - well, I felt bad for about one nanosecond.

4. Someone who bullied a friend ended up on the mailing lists for some BDSM and sex toy newsletters. At their work address.

5. Shortly after getting my first newspaper job, I was informed by one of the photographers that "the only reason you were hired was because T- (the editor) likes cute blondes." Never mind that I had worked my ass off to get that job or that I had scooped the New York Times while a stringer for a community newspaper in college! Later on, when I got to know the photographer better, I'd go back and flash him, and tell him, "I'm such a big feminist, no one will believe you."

6. Buying my car, I felt like I was getting dicked around by the dealership. I looked the salesman right in the eye and said, in front of my dad, "Why do I feel like I'm getting fucked with my pants on?" I walked out of there with double what he had originally offered for my trade in.

Finally - this wasn't my idea, but it was so great I thought I'd share - my late godfather, Irwin, got really upset on behalf of my mother when her office landlord (is there a thing with landlords?) totally fucked her over.

Irwin had some guys collect trash - bags and bags and bags of it - and fill up the empty office space to the ceiling in each room after my mother was forced to suddenly move out of her office.

Thing is, she had subleased the space, so nothing could be traced to her.

I miss him!