Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Things I have done when people have pissed me off

After reading Pheromone Girl's post about her two-faced, asshole, builder landlord whose head is far up his ass (sorry, is that redundant?), I sent her an e-mail offering to piss on his doorhandles.

I wrote, "Really, I can do this!"

I *should have* written, "Really, I have done this before!"

Some things I have done when people have pissed me off, merely considering myself an agent of karma:

1. The doorhandles. They belonged to the driver of a Volvo who had yelled at me for accidentally parking in his (unmarked) parking spot. I apologized and moved my car, but he still kept yelling. I waited until nighttime, pissed on a napkin, and wiped his doorhandles with it.

2. I got dumped via e-mail - which was a novelty and a first in early 1999 - and the asshole wrote, at the end of his e-mail, "Thank you for understanding." I wrote back, "Dear M-, Please go FUCK YOURSELF. Thank you for understanding."

3. After getting stood up - mind you, I had planned a whole weekend with someone who just failed to show up - and having a friend who was going to visit a friend of this asshole, I sent her with a pair of goggles and a note attached: "Please give these to the next girl you make a date with, so she can find it." I kinda felt bad when I heard that made him cry - well, I felt bad for about one nanosecond.

4. Someone who bullied a friend ended up on the mailing lists for some BDSM and sex toy newsletters. At their work address.

5. Shortly after getting my first newspaper job, I was informed by one of the photographers that "the only reason you were hired was because T- (the editor) likes cute blondes." Never mind that I had worked my ass off to get that job or that I had scooped the New York Times while a stringer for a community newspaper in college! Later on, when I got to know the photographer better, I'd go back and flash him, and tell him, "I'm such a big feminist, no one will believe you."

6. Buying my car, I felt like I was getting dicked around by the dealership. I looked the salesman right in the eye and said, in front of my dad, "Why do I feel like I'm getting fucked with my pants on?" I walked out of there with double what he had originally offered for my trade in.

Finally - this wasn't my idea, but it was so great I thought I'd share - my late godfather, Irwin, got really upset on behalf of my mother when her office landlord (is there a thing with landlords?) totally fucked her over.

Irwin had some guys collect trash - bags and bags and bags of it - and fill up the empty office space to the ceiling in each room after my mother was forced to suddenly move out of her office.

Thing is, she had subleased the space, so nothing could be traced to her.

I miss him!


Mr. Riot Kitty said...

Ratfuckers! They got what they deserved.

LL Cool Joe said...

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I never want to get on the wrong side of you. ;)

pheromone girl said...

1. YES!!
2. Uh huh.
3. So much YES...

I could go on and on, but you get the picture... :-)

PS: ARead MY blog. Ha!

Riot Kitty said...

Joey: You crack me up! You are awesome. I'd never piss on your doorhandles ;)

PG: Ready when you are ;)

Darth Weasel said...

So many fun ways.

The Peach Tart said...

Girlfriend you know how to get some revenge. Next time somebody pisses me off, I know who I'm going to come to for ideas on how to get back at them. I love the car dealer example.

Claire said...

Oh man. I'm so glad we're friends. :-)


Fireblossom said...

Twin, you are priceless. The goggles were classic!

"I recommend obtaining some black juju voodoo powder (or hell, tinted salt will do just as well) then taking a photograph of him and placing it in an empty kitchen sink. Carefully pour a ring of your special rejection powder around the photo, then set fire to the image of your hated one while you chant someting appropriate like, "I reject you, I reject you..." --or-- "May your penis fall off and be eaten by wolves" --or-- "May your new wife develop venereal warts" or some other appropriate curse."

--"Mom", the agony aunt for the tartcity website

Granny Annie said...

Have I failed to mention that you are the kindest, most beautiful, loving,gentle, forthright, intelligent, undaunted, clever, humble, and wise person ever to cross my path and I would NEVER speak unkindly of you or harm you in any way:) Ya got that? Good!

themom said...

OMG...I am in such a "revenge" mode - and you are far more dastardly than I am - I can just tell. I may have to seek suggestions as to how to deal with my new neighbors. this was greaqt.

Anonymous said...


Number 4 on that list. That's how a friend and I got one of our less liked teachers fired when I was in school. o.O Twas pretty cool. We did have our reasons - he was an asswipe.

Then there was this other dude at school we didn't like. We took his mobile phone - some fancy blackberry phatberry shit. And we placed it under the tyre of his own SUV.

I love the trash idea. Should try it out sometime. Of course, with the addition of filling all the bags with nitroglycerin. Heh.

Well, you've established, fairly clearly, that no one in their right mind should ever fuck with you. o.O

skyewriter said...

Oh my god, Kitty. You are someone I would definitely be friends with out in the "real" world.

One of the *many* things I have done to someone who pissed me off:
I posted signs all over town for a free puppies *and* a 7AM Saturday garage sale at the home of one of the biggest dicks I have ever had the nonpleasure of knowing.

Scarlet said...

I don't know why, but I'm loving #6(a lot)...not that #3 wasn't classic Riot Kitty. OMG! You can write a book...The Girlfriend's Guide to Getting Even...or something like that.

Riot Kitty said...

Hee hee! And I didn't even put the bad ones here ;)

Coby said...

# 4 is my fave! You go u pissed off Kitty u! Oh and I agree F%$#* the Ass BAg that signed up PG's yard!

Anonymous said...

I'm adding these ideas to my repertoire! I'd share mine, but I'm not sure if the window of being sued has closed yet.

Riot Kitty said...

Skyewriter: Oh I LOVE IT!!! Yes, I think we would hit it off quite well as partners in crime.

SBBTC: Now I want to know!

Green tea said...

Number 4 and 6 look very familiar to me...:D

I use to get revenge at the Minnesota State Fair by signing up
people who pissed me off for free consultations..etc.

As for car dealers,we started going back to our home town after meeting a scum bag at a Ford dealership, I actually thought we were being punked he was so slimey.

So I told Hubba, "Lets go get screwed by somebody we know."

If I win the lottery I am relocating you and Mr. RK to Mpls.

Anonymous said...


JLee said...

I am so hiring you in the future, especially when I go car shopping! ha