Friday, July 31, 2009

Tips for the uninitiated spammer

First, thank you Fireblossom for sending me this hilarious lolcat picture! I absolutely LOVE those.

So I read the other day that some 97 percent of e-mail is spam. 97 percent! How much faster would our DSL be without that traffic poisoning inboxes everywhere? Sadly enough, the story also said that most people actually OPEN IT AND READ IT.

Newsflash, guys: there is nothing that will give you a bigger penis.

But in the good spirit of things, I have some tips for the idiots who keep spamming us at work:

1. When you claim you're from UPS and our package was delivered to the wrong address, don't choose a return e-mail address that begins with the letters "horny." (I'm not making this up.)

2. When sending mail regarding penis size, take care to notice that I don't have one.

3. Don't bother sending spam with pharmaceutical discounts. I work with these companies and if I really want some of their pills, I know where to find their discount programs. And no, I don't need viagra (see suggestion #2.)

4. I don't need any fake Rolexes, RayBans, or Gucci bags. Especially when you send to "Mr RK." He does not dress in drag, ok?

5. I don't have an excess of body fat, yellow teeth, or other conditions that need miracle products. Do you have anything in the way of bras that don't show nipples? Pants that don't show pantylines? Thongs that don't go where they shouldn't? Then we'd be talking.

6. I already work from home. It's called "working at home after work."

7. I'm not a mom, and I already have a degree, so I don't need to go back to school, no matter what you claim our president has requested.


pheromone girl said...

OK, I have to tell you - I forwarded the same emails to a number of friends... none of whom have met you and all of whom had to ask "Is that one with the FUCK OFF made especially for your friend Riot Kitty"?

Fireblossom said...

Nothing but class and elegance from me, Twin! I'm cracking up that you used that!

+ I can't believe that people OPEN spam emails. If I don't know the sender, no way I'm opening it.

Scarlet said...

OMG, your kitty pics are hilarious! I know what you mean about those e-mails seems everyone wants to sell me a penis pump these days.

Darth Weasel said...

I just like some of the subject lines. I mean, who WOULDN'T open something from "Effortless heith solutions" or "Another advice for clients"?

I mean, nothing screams "read me" louder than poor spelling or grammar.

Unless, of course, you have functioning brain cells in which case random mail from people you have never met who do not use spell check for "business" purposes might be the best thing you ever open. Because it is like the online version of the Darwin Awards.

You know what I mean...those e-mails that should be titled "Open this e-mail to remove your self from the Internet using pool".

The Peach Tart said...

That kitty is up to no good.

Misty said...

Exactly..AND we KNOW we don't have relatives in some African country needing us to transfer money.

Claire said...

I freaking love lolcats!

Oh and thank you for the card! I would LOVE to hang out with you guys when you hit London! :-)


G said...

I'm fortunate enough not to get spam at work (government employee), but the spam I get at my gmail, whoo boy.

Not sure why, but about 98% of my spam is from Russia.

And yes, I have never, ever, ever opened a piece of spam.

Eating spam, yes.

Pouty Lips said...

Have you seen the one about "Ministry in a Box"? It tells you how to be ordained so that you can do funerals, weddings, etc. Maybe they can forgive my sins too.

LL Cool Joe said...

Geez I thought the ones offering me a larger penis were just to me and no one else. I assumed people must have been talking or something.

I never open Spam or Corned beef.

Green tea said...

I have a good spam filter right now..never see it..

Shionge said...

What a nice post to crack up my beautiful Sunday :)