Monday, July 27, 2009
Hot weather etiquette
Let me start by saying that it may not reach 115 here (yet), but I am STILL entitled to bitch about triple-digit heat because I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!
There is a reason I live in the Pacific Northwest and not the Southwest or Southeast, or Texas (anymore.) OK, more than one reason (one of the others is that I'm not a Republican), but the main one is this: I don't want to live somewhere where hot weather is the norm.
Anyhow, you already know it's hot; you already know I hate it; chances are it's probably hottish where you are, too, and you probably dislike it as well. So I know you'll all agree with me that some type of code is necessary in these triple-digit times, because people tend, in some ways, to stop making sense.
So here are a few suggestions I have come up with based on observation:
1. Shirts are NOT optional if you are not on the beach, at the pool, or in your own house.
2. Rule #1 IS ESPECIALLY FOR men, and ESPECIALLY in public. Because none of you sexy guys go shirtless, anyway, do you? It's just you over-the-hill, out-of-shape fucks with way too much body hair.
3. Sleeveless mesh jerseys are also not an option. First of all, where did you find that shirt, 1982? Secondly, I DO NOT want to see that your nasty body hair.
4. What is the trend with shorts that don't cover a woman's behind? I'm no prude, but COVER YOUR ASS, girls.
5. See-through clothing isn't sexy on 90% (or more) of the population. I don't care if it's hot and you want to wear white.
6. Especially if you are fat and you come into my office. I don't need visual proof that you wear a bra.
7. Deodorant is mandatory - again, we're talking about the good of the general public here. I don't care if you are a hippie. Buy some. I have hardly any sense of smell and I was about to gag at Trader Joe's at lunchtime (and actually did lose my appetite for awhile) because a couple of you fuckheads combined au natural with 103 degrees.
8. Don't say, "Hot enough for you?" Because it obviously fucking is! What the fuck do you want me to say? "Nah, I'm thinking a trip to Libya would really do the trick right now. This is amateurish."
9. OK, this will never happen, but I can dream: can news media stop running 1,200 word stories on the front page that essentially say, "It was hot"?
10. As if I need to come up with more? Hyacinth Bucket would be proud for sure!