Monday, July 27, 2009

Hot weather etiquette

Let me start by saying that it may not reach 115 here (yet), but I am STILL entitled to bitch about triple-digit heat because I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!

There is a reason I live in the Pacific Northwest and not the Southwest or Southeast, or Texas (anymore.) OK, more than one reason (one of the others is that I'm not a Republican), but the main one is this: I don't want to live somewhere where hot weather is the norm.

Anyhow, you already know it's hot; you already know I hate it; chances are it's probably hottish where you are, too, and you probably dislike it as well. So I know you'll all agree with me that some type of code is necessary in these triple-digit times, because people tend, in some ways, to stop making sense.

So here are a few suggestions I have come up with based on observation:

1. Shirts are NOT optional if you are not on the beach, at the pool, or in your own house.

2. Rule #1 IS ESPECIALLY FOR men, and ESPECIALLY in public. Because none of you sexy guys go shirtless, anyway, do you? It's just you over-the-hill, out-of-shape fucks with way too much body hair.

3. Sleeveless mesh jerseys are also not an option. First of all, where did you find that shirt, 1982? Secondly, I DO NOT want to see that your nasty body hair.

4. What is the trend with shorts that don't cover a woman's behind? I'm no prude, but COVER YOUR ASS, girls.

5. See-through clothing isn't sexy on 90% (or more) of the population. I don't care if it's hot and you want to wear white.

6. Especially if you are fat and you come into my office. I don't need visual proof that you wear a bra.

7. Deodorant is mandatory - again, we're talking about the good of the general public here. I don't care if you are a hippie. Buy some. I have hardly any sense of smell and I was about to gag at Trader Joe's at lunchtime (and actually did lose my appetite for awhile) because a couple of you fuckheads combined au natural with 103 degrees.

8. Don't say, "Hot enough for you?" Because it obviously fucking is! What the fuck do you want me to say? "Nah, I'm thinking a trip to Libya would really do the trick right now. This is amateurish."

9. OK, this will never happen, but I can dream: can news media stop running 1,200 word stories on the front page that essentially say, "It was hot"?

10. As if I need to come up with more? Hyacinth Bucket would be proud for sure!


ZIRGAR said...

Rule no. 1 should also apply to women. I'm just sayin'...

Also, Keeping Up Appearances is one of my favorite shows. Hyacinth is a hoot!

skyewriter said...

Right there with you on the heat. Hate. it.

Actually, the only time I find it mildly tolerable is when I am near water but there must also be a breeze.

Without a breeze, forget it.

I want to smack anyone who says, "Hot enough for you?" Followed with, "At least it's a dry heat."

Heat is hot. Period. Ick. Sweaty. Red faced. Smelly people. Ew. Give me sweater weather any day...

Claire said...

OK, you know me, I'm as happy clappy and nice as you get, but if someone said "hot enough for you?" in triple digit heat, I would cut them!


LL Cool Joe said...

I think people should look and wear what they like whatever the weather, but I do agree about the deodorant. :)

Geez I can't wait to get me some sun!

Darth Weasel said...

Heat does seem to bring out the uh..."intelligent" side of people. What great news we have another weak of this nonsense to look forward to.

On the bright side, unlike the Goose, I will NOT be living in Tennessee for the foreseeable future...though I expect the heat explains why country "music" is so miserable. Maybe now we can create more grunce crap here with this "great" weather for inspiration,

Aliceson said...

I can't stand stinky sweaty people. Maybe if some of these shirtless yet very hairy men would shave (or whatever their preferred method of hair removal is) they would be more comfortable, less stinky and less likely to cause the general public to feel the need to gouge their eyes out. Just sayin.

Fireblossom said...

That's "boo-kay", dear. It doesn't rhyme with "fuckit." :-D

The Peach Tart said...

It's hotter there than In Atlanta and I'm dying here. I promise not to wear mesh jerseys and to use deodorant. It would just be tacky otherwise.

Shionge said...

Oops....if ever you visit me here in Singapore I'll know the rules - bring you to an air-conditioned place at all times coz it is fucking hot here in Singapore with no four seasons ;)

Scarlet said...

I'm loving your #3...LOL @ the sleeveless mesh jerseys from 1982. You know, I'm kind of glad I won't be going to my high school reunion after all. I don't miss that look...with unlaced work boots and a Goody comb in the back pocket of their Levi's.

Anonymous said...

The head and humidity have finally kicked in out here... not up to triple-digits. You can keep that. Oh, and the body hair thing on men... ick. Then again, I'm not into men so I suppose I'm not very objective.
Still, you have to admit that when there's more hair on a man's back than on his head, he needs to go get some manscaping done.

Granny Annie said...

OMG! We got our electric bill yesterday and I almost fainted and fell in the floor. August is usually our warmest month and that is when we get our highest electric bill but never as high as this July one. I wear a bare minimum of clothing around the estate and pray visitors don't drop by to catch me unawares. I just hope this means August will be cooler than usual.

Fireblossom said...

Laffin my ass off @ Scarlet! A goody comb! Augh, the nightmare returns! :-D

Pouty Lips said...

I live it every day RK. I love the photo. I want to make it my header on PBN, or put her in my sidebar. I think she rocks. She reminds me of Mrs. Doubtfire.

Green tea said...

Kitty I'm with you on the body hair,
I like my men smooth as glass..:D

Meanwhile here In Mpls. area. we have had the coolest July in a very long time.
78 low humidity and in the 50"s at night..
So Nice..!!