Friday, July 18, 2008

Sucking down 10-inch noodles and the Snoopy fuck-you machine

I am so excited - my 29-year-old brother got me a Snoopy Sno-Cone (their misspelling, not mine) machine for an early present for me! I had one in the late 70s/early 80s, and it was one of the many cool toys my bio mother threw out because she was constantly getting rid of our toys to make room for god knows what. (More husbands, I think.)

Anyway, I am down in California and I think - A-ha! - It's a brilliant idea to make snow cones with this contraption for my (other) little brother and my little sister.

I am here to tell you that all of those commercials, showing a child effortlessly cranking the ice grinder and the ice seamlessly flowing out of the machine, are absolute fakes.

It should be called the Snoopy Fuck-You machine, or, as my youngest brother calls it, the Snoopy Slow-Cone machine.

Should you decide to try to make these with this "machine" at home, don't say I didn't warn you of the following truths of the Snoopy Sno-Cone machine:

1. It is not a machine. The "simple machine" is your arm cranking the lever.
2. It takes a hell of a lot of pressure to hold down the Snoopy on top (who, incidentally, looks like he's wearing a cherry condom on top of his little white head), while simultaneously hurting the fuck out of your wrist, while trying (the key word here is trying) to turn the crank.
3. All of this work will result in not even a spoonful of ice, which will have melted by the time you get the equivalent of the next spoonful.
4. Kern's Strawberry-Banana flavored juice tastes like shit.

As a funny aside, we had lunch in North Beach in San Francisco today, and my 12-year-old brother was slurping down his spaghetti (literally) from his fork. I looked at him and said, "That's what spoons are for."

He grinned and my dad asked what we were talking about.

I replied, "He was sucking down a ten-inch noodle..."

And then we all started cracking up.

My dad said, "I don't think that's what Mom wants to hear that you did in San Francisco this afternoon!"

And my brother replied, "No, I'm not old enough yet."



Riot Kitty said...

yes it's so true and gay but that is another story enjoy your blog because I am your little brother she also forgot the Slow-Shlo-mo machine

Mike D said...


I remember that thing! My next-door neighbor had one of those things. If I recall, they were a pain to operate. But tasty.

Your little brother (who I remember talking to over the phone when he was a little-little kid) is wise beyond his years.

Mike D

Claire said...

What an awesome story. Your wee bro sounds awesome.


Green tea said...

You make me laugh every time I come here..
Enjoy your Sno cone or slo cone or noodle maker..or...well you know what I mean. :D

Scarlet said...

I had that Snoopy machine for the kids and they cried every time they used it! What you say here is so true! LOL

As for your bro and his "10-in noodle" (the story), how funny is that?? ;)

Darth Weasel said...

we had not just the Slo-cone but some other equally craptastic stuff...some Holly Hobby oven crap my older sister had that made little cakes I think. And by "made little cakes" I mean "produced hockey pucks from materials that create cakes in real ovens". Frosting was good though...

thanks for the memories, I had forgotten that. And I think you may have inspired me to write about my car-casting wax machine...

vivavavoom said...

the title of this entry is fuckin poetic genius!

Foster Communications said...

Fill your blender with ice. Add water. Turn the blender on. Drain. You have the perfect ice for margaritas, er, sno cones!