Monday, June 27, 2011
And now I know where I get it
I was super worried about my grandfather after Grammy died last fall, but silly me! He is happier as a single man than we have ever seen him.
Every day, he goes out to brunch and then, for dinner, to a pub with friends from church for fish and chips. He has a cat. He bought a new car. Imagine a religious version of the Fonz, but age 85, sans the leather jacket.
Thing is, this once super-prude guy has had his social editor switched off. My dad is constantly embarrassed because, well, he has kind of become a dirty old man.
The last time my dad saw my grandfather, he had to apologize to the clerk at Barnes and Noble, because my grandfather said her hoarse voice came from "kissing your husband too much." That's mild. My grandfather told my dad about an excursion to a Catholic bookstore the other day.
"I just wrote about my marriage with my late wife," he told two older woman at this store. "The Bible says that when a man marries a woman, the two become one flesh. Do you know what that means?"
(I am cringing as I write this, even as my dad cringed when he told me the story.)
"That means, A MAN'S PENIS GOES INTO THE WOMAN'S VAGINA! ONE FLESH!"
(Admit it, you're embarrassed too, and you don't even know him.)
I am amazed that 1) he was not physically removed from the store, and 2) neither one of these poor old Catholic women (who could have been nuns, come to think of it) had a heart attack.
My dad said, "DAD! Not everyone wants to hear about that!"
My grandfather: "I'm just explaining the Bible."
We agreed that one of these days, he'll be 1) arrested for disturbing the peace (he lives in a town of about 300 people), or 2) he'll get slugged.
Now, mind you, this is a guy who could not even say the word "penis" when explaining the birds and bees to my dad and his siblings when they were growing up. He would literally whisper it.
What the hell happened? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he is doing this because he knows he's old and can get away with it.
If I last that long, maybe I will, too.