Monday, June 27, 2011

And now I know where I get it


I was super worried about my grandfather after Grammy died last fall, but silly me! He is happier as a single man than we have ever seen him.

Every day, he goes out to brunch and then, for dinner, to a pub with friends from church for fish and chips. He has a cat. He bought a new car. Imagine a religious version of the Fonz, but age 85, sans the leather jacket.

Thing is, this once super-prude guy has had his social editor switched off. My dad is constantly embarrassed because, well, he has kind of become a dirty old man.

The last time my dad saw my grandfather, he had to apologize to the clerk at Barnes and Noble, because my grandfather said her hoarse voice came from "kissing your husband too much." That's mild. My grandfather told my dad about an excursion to a Catholic bookstore the other day.

"I just wrote about my marriage with my late wife," he told two older woman at this store. "The Bible says that when a man marries a woman, the two become one flesh. Do you know what that means?"

(I am cringing as I write this, even as my dad cringed when he told me the story.)

"That means, A MAN'S PENIS GOES INTO THE WOMAN'S VAGINA! ONE FLESH!"

(Admit it, you're embarrassed too, and you don't even know him.)

I am amazed that 1) he was not physically removed from the store, and 2) neither one of these poor old Catholic women (who could have been nuns, come to think of it) had a heart attack.

My dad said, "DAD! Not everyone wants to hear about that!"

My grandfather: "I'm just explaining the Bible."

We agreed that one of these days, he'll be 1) arrested for disturbing the peace (he lives in a town of about 300 people), or 2) he'll get slugged.

Now, mind you, this is a guy who could not even say the word "penis" when explaining the birds and bees to my dad and his siblings when they were growing up. He would literally whisper it.

What the hell happened? I wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind he is doing this because he knows he's old and can get away with it.

If I last that long, maybe I will, too.

16 comments:

G said...

I think the first words out of mouth would be, "EXCUSE ME?!"

(yes, I would be that upset)

Not too sure on what the rest of my response would be, other then to apologize on behalf of the relative.

Yes, I've done this on multiple occasions because my mother is just that tacky and opinionated.

Lynn said...

So this makes me wonder if he is trying to find a lady friend. :)

A Beer for the Shower said...

Oh, I can hardly wait until I get old and can do things like this. This is what every kooky person aspires to be.

Cake Betch said...

LOLOLOL I'm embarrassed for you. I'm PRETTY SURE those women know how to become one flesh.
Also, he absolutely does it cause he's old. Once you're old you just do not give a fuck about ANYTHING. That is the one thing that I'm looking forward to with age.

Claire said...

Totally get the embarassment, but must give him kudos too, cos I'm totally being just as out there when I'm older!

Cxx

Logical Libby said...

If he's looking for a girlfriend he might want to brush up on his flirting...

wigsf3 said...

I love it when old people give up trying to be nice and polite. There is nothing funnier than an old man talking about his penis and what he does with it. If I ever become an old man, that's all I'm ever going to do. Just walk around town telling people that because of Viagra, I can out-fuck a horse.

LL Cool Joe said...

Oh yeah that is embarrassing. Cringe. :D

Btw You already are like that! ;)

Holland said...

I would be surprised at first if an 85 year old would tell me that... but then I would laugh out loud. Way to go, old man. lol
And honestly... you have the same kind of honesty in you as your grandfather... Catholic bookshop owners beware!!! LOL

Riot Kitty said...

G: You and my dad should commiserate.
L: HAHAHAHA! One who aspires to a career in porn, maybe?
CB: I'm sorry for me, too, and I wasn't even there!
Claire: OMG, YOU?!
L: Yeah, good point ;)
ABFTS: It must be a guy thing
WIGSF: You could totally walk around town and say that now. Sans viagra, I mean.
Joey: In the DNA? :)
H: Ha! I never thought of it that way.

Darth Weasel said...

I do not know how I would feel,...would depend on the reaction. Grandpa used to be a real flirt. Called all the female cashiers honey chile (chai-el). They all smiled and at least acted like they loved his flirting.

Maybe they just knew he was a harmless, good hearted old man...or maybe they were hiding their real reaction.

Green Tea said...

I love it...I had an Aunt Lois who was like that when she hit her 80's and her husband was gone..She would hit on younger guys in the Legion club when ever she came to visit..I hope I am still interested when I hit that age :)

lgsquirrel said...

Hi there Riot Kitty,
I came by via Windy Skies and I after reading the last few posts, I have to say that your blog is a real riot! You can expect me to be back for more.

Granny Annie said...

First -- your picture reminded me of my daughter when she was little. She would cover her eyes and think we could not see her.

Second -- It could be worse. Grandpa could go around saying "Fuck"?

HiFi said...

Funny cat picture omg lol.

Riot Kitty said...

Darth: That sounds a lot more harmless.
GT: That is hilarious!
IGS: Hi! Thanks for stopping by.
GA: Ha!
HF: I loved it.