Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tips for the uninitiated in a Lutheran church

Thanks, everyone, for your kind thoughts, e-mails, calls and wishes...Grammy's funeral service was actually very nice.

That said, Mr. RK is my hero. A shy agnostic during the best times, he went through a very long day of meeting grieving people that he did not know, as well as a service that was a bit over the top at times.

I realized afterward that I should have given him a few words of advice about Lutheran churches. So just in case any of you happen to be unfamiliar with them, and end up in one in the near or far future, here you go.

1. Lutheran churches are cold. Always. Invariably. There aren't lots and lots of windows - are they cheap? Poorly insulated? Do they keep it cold on purpose, so you'll stay awake? Inquiring minds want to know.

2. The Lutheran church hasn't added a new hymn in about 300 years.

3. The old hymns don't sound so good. They're all in the same key, and if you can't sing in that key, God help you. Come to think of it, you'll be in the right place for that.

4. Lutherans believe in suffering. Unlike more enlightened denominations, Lutherans tend to believe that God sends you suffering as a trial and test of your faith. Consequently, everything bad that has ever happened to you, including disease and death, are "trials."

Personally, I don't buy into it, but be prepared for it when you hear them preach. (Maybe that's what they're doing with the cold churches?)

5. It's not OK to be gay. It is, however, OK to stay in the closet and reproduce and become a Lutheran pastor.

6. Pews are not made for comfort. Again, probably something to make you stay awake during all of that excitement with hymns.

7. Being trans is not OK, except for the kids in dresses, otherwise known as acolytes.

8. Lutheran church services are not supposed to be cheerful. In fact, I think smiling is forbidden.

I can't think of two more things, so feel free to invent your own :)


G said...

Okay this isn't a tip, but they did come up with a mean pop culture icon of a show called "Davy and Goliath".

On a side note, I think that the last time I was in Lutheran church was when I was but a lad in the single digits and went there for nusery school/pre-school.

Lynn said...

My friend and house cleaner is a gay man who also plays the organ for his Lutheran church here in Atlanta. I'll ask him about that.

My sister is Lutheran, too, and her church is indeed cold and their hymns are like dirges. :) And the service is loooong.

Logical Libby said...

Add in heavy drinking and you could be Episcopalian...

Sorry about your Grams.

LL Cool Joe said...

I tend to agree with number 4. But then I am a Baptist. My church is over warm, we have too many modern songs and not enough hymns and we don't have pews. Oh and we don't have Hymn books.

We do have a gay minister who is married to a woman and has 3 kids. He was in the closet until he fell for the youth minister.

Now our church doesn't have a minister at all. And I'm not applying for the job.

Riot Kitty said...

G: LOL! As for being in a Lutheran church ... nothing has changed since then :)
L: Dirges...yeah, that's pretty accurate.
L: LMAO! And thanks.
Joey: Why aren't you? :)

John McElveen said...

Wherver you find 4 Lutherans you will find a Fifth!! Sorry- that was supposed to be Episcoplaians, LOL!

The Church does more to keep people OUT than Satan ever could!

Let's just Worship our Lord and Love each other!


Just My Humble Opinion- and I'm supposed to be Southern Baptist!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the loss of your Grandma.

Lulú said...

Ay Chica, your #5 and #7 made me LOL. You really know how to preach it, sister! ;)

Darth Weasel said...

I will say this for the Lutherans. They are great listeners.

For example, when Martin Luther said, and I paraphrase, "I would be appalled to have a church named after me instead of after Christ", the Lutherans heard him and...named themselves after him.

Well done.

Riot Kitty said...

John: LOL! Good points.
Patty: Thanks :)
L: Good to know!
Darth: LMAO!

Senorita said...

Oh Em Gee...........

That LOL cat pic is the best !!!!! Srsly !

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma. I've been out of bloggy land for a couple of weeks, but I have not forgotten you. I will go back and read your previous posts.

Green Tea said...

Most Lutheran funerals I have been to
do their best to remind you how close you are to the fires of hell.
When a former sister in law died her minister pointed out to all of us that she was allowed to suffer towards the last,to pay for her sins.
It really ticked off my daughter.
I had just tuned it out,
Hope you are doing well <:)