Sunday, August 23, 2009

Endearing yourself to your postal carrier

This is courtesy of my friend Fireblossom, who, awhile back, came up with something similar for a meme I started here (which I sadly cannot find, because my normal Virgo organizational skills have gone right out the window today), but withdrew it because she thought it was too negative for her blog. Seeing as how her blog is full of beautiful poetry, and mine is made mostly of sarcastic tripe, I invited her to post it here!

I included this picture of Candyland to sweeten it up.

Here is a helpful list of ways to endear yourself to your postal carrier!
1.Always say "no bills, just checks!" I have never heard that one before! That's so funny! Oh god, give me a minute to stop laughing! You're such a card! (actually, I lied. I've heard that one before. Today. Several times already)
2. Ask, "Hot enough (or cold enough) for ya?" No. Not until my skin turns black and I stop twitching.
3. Point out that Fred (or Jane), the old carrier, always arrived at eight o'clock in the morning and was the best carrier you ever had. Do this for the next fifty years. Make Fred a little more wonderful with each passing year.
4. Tell me all about your complaints against the government. Keep me hostage to your monologue as long as possible. Or, tell me your entire medical history, or about your dispute with your neighbor, who is also my customer.
5. Ask me directions. Even though i do the same route every day, ask me where that nice little Thai place across town is located. Become angry and abusive if I don't know. I am a walking GPS. (but I'm not the one who is lost.)
6. Pull up on the left side of my right hand drive vehicle, and sit there expecting me to talk to you. Never mind the tray filled with mail between me and the left window. Never mind that the crank (yes, crank, no pushbuttons!) is below tray level, which means that, to find out what you want, I have to stop what I'm doing, get out and come to you, to see what you want. If I motion you to come around to the right side, get angry and drive off in a huff. You're right. I should have come to YOU to give you directions.
7. If you see me at a light on a busy road, get out of your car as the light is turning green and dodge/block traffic to come and hand me your letter that's been on the seat of your car for three weeks as you drove past 20,304 mail boxes.
8. Don't control your dog. Say, "aw, he won't hurt you!" Everyone says that. It's mandatory. If your dog attaches himself to my leg with his teeth, stand there fluttering your hands and saying "No, Spot, no." Do not actually touch the animal...he might bite you!
9. Say, "you're late!". Oh gosh. When was my appointment?
10. Ask me if I'm new. Ask me again in a few days. Keep asking until I've been your carrier for five years.
11. Complain about me stepping on your grass. Do this on the coldest, snowiest day of the year. Come out of your toasty house where you've been watching Oprah, and let me have it but good. Do this especially if you haven't cleared your walk. Do this especially if your yard looks like an empty lot and is full of last fall's leaves, hand bills and trash.
12. Have your three year old come out to get the mail. He'll hang on to it, honest. Well, almost all of it. Well, some of it, perhaps. Then complain the next day that I dropped your mail on the ground and left it there.
13. You know that little teensy tiny mailbox that was put on the house when it was built in 1923? Never replace it. Complain about bent mail. Order lots of magazines. Don't collect the mail for a few're busy! And anyway, that box has always been good enough!
14. Build one of those cute home-made mailboxes that looks like a car or a birdhouse! It's so cute! I'm loving those metal edges, bare screw ends, and splinters!
15. If you ever knew anyone who ever worked for the postal service, anywhere on the globe, at any time from 1940-present, ask me if I know them!
16. Say, "I told the other carrier about this problem!" We're like ants. Tell one of us and we all know. Trust me on this.
17. If you receive unpleasant mail, or do not receive "good" mail, scream at me about it. I hand select all of your mail each day. I could have brought you love letters and checks, but, because i am all those things you just called me, I brought you bills and advertising instead. Hold up a letter and ask me what is in it. If you have a dispute with the sender, start screaming at me.
18. If you see me eating lunch, come up and start telling me that you've been watching me just sit there for twenty minutes and you're calling the post office! Tell them I'm having tuna salad, that will get me fired for sure.
19. Tell me you're missing your bank statement/ letter from grandma/ other item. Ask me, indignantly, where it is. Never mind that this is like asking where one particular fish is, in the ocean. Never mind that if i had it, you'd have it. Never mind that I can't possibly know where something i don't have is. Act like I'm stupid. Lazy. Willfully infuriating. I am. You're right. I had it in my pocket all the time!
20. If you don't receive an expected piece of mail, it is undoubtedly because i took it home with me/ gave it to your neighbor/ dropped it in the street/ have it hidden in my truck/ ate it or sold it. Don't waste time considering any toher possiblility. After all, they told you the check was in the mail!


LL Cool Joe said...

I never ever talk to the person that delivers our post! Just as well by the looks of this list!

G said...

Same can apply to other types of government workers.

Nevertheless, brilliant.

And no, you don't post sarcastic tripe.

Phil said...

I think I'll use these one each day and just rotate through the list for the rest of my life. I needed a hobby

Scarlet said...

Ha! Some of these are hilarious...and not surprising if you think about it. I love #19..."I had it in my pocket all the time!" :)

Granny Annie said...

This Netflix movie is late arriving and it appears to have been opened. Want to review it for me?

JLee said...

I didn't know you were a Virgo. Or did I? I knew there was a reason I liked you. ;)
M postal carrier REPEATEDLY gives us the wrong mail and vice versa, so I want to kick him in the knee!

momcat said...

We dont even talk to our postman. He sneaks past and I expect there's a reason for that!

Fireblossom said...

I wood komment, but i yam a posdal werker and cant reed nor rite.

pheromone girl said...

Hey, lady. Where did you put my letter? The one from that boy? The one who likes me? No, LOVES me? And wants to spend the rest of his life worshipping the ground he walked on? Ther was a check in there. Did you cash it? Are you driving a Lincoln Continental that should be mine?? Where's Grandma Bertha's medication? Did you sell it to the crack whores down the street??? Sheesh... Postal Inspector!?!?! Fire that woman...

themom said...

Lucky "mail man" uses my house for his afternoon "bathroom" point. It's a good thing we know each other, or I would have a hard time explaining why he is IN my house at least twice a week. I love have the neighbors make up their little stories - occasionally I might blow a kiss - to keep nibshits on their toes!!

Heff said...

Postal Carrier ? What in the hell is that ? Isn't all this stuff done electronically these days ?

Fireblossom said...

PG--the crack whores gave me a better price!