Things I will not miss about the Christmas season:
1. Two of the radio stations I rely on for cheesy 80s music playing the same 10 Christmas songs over and over. And over. Come on, people! For the past 6 weeks I haven't been able to get a Chicago or Toto fix. I mean, come on.
2. Hearing those same 10 songs freaking EVERYWHERE I GO. Hasn't anyone besides Mariah Carey come up with anything new since, say, Jingle Bell Rock? What the fuck does "fa la la la la" mean, anyway?
3. Hearing the next verses of those 10 songs in my head because I had to learn them for choir as a kid. Mind you, we also had to learn such lovely tunes as "The Old Folks at Home," "Deep in the Heart of Texas," and others whose sadistic keys were meant never to leave your memory. I must hum this stuff in my nightmares.
4. People driving like assholes in parking lots even more than they normally do, which is saying something. The last couple of weeks in particular, it has become a fucking free for all to see who can park the closest to the entrance because a) it is sprinkling and b) they don't want to drag their 26 kids through the parking lot.
5. Apologizing to people whose cards the post office failed to deliver. (Mind you, I only send cards to out-of-towners, so it pisses me off twice as much when they don't arrive.)
6. Insisting to said people that I really DID send a card, when I explain and they say, "Oh, don't worry about a card..." Translation: "I sent you one, and so clearly I am more thoughtful than you."
7. Hearing from my family in California about how they're walking around outside. If I walked around outside here, I think I would drown after freezing.
8. Having routine trips to the grocery store turn into a 31,000-person nightmare. Every. Single. Time. Come on, fuckers! You bump into me with your fucking carts like you're in that Toys R Us contest from the 1980s. You remember that one, right? Where a kid gets 60 seconds to grab whatever s/he wants in the store as if his or her life depended on that? Meanwhile, I just want some fucking cilantro.
9. Being tempted to spend money I don't have in the spice store (the spice store!), where I have gone only because I can't find one spice anywhere else, because everything is sooooooo neatly tied with gorgeous ribbon and smells so damn good. What can I say? It appeals to my OCD.
10. People asking if I had a tofurki for Christmas. Hmm, let's see. I didn't have one for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't eat one unless I risked starvation. Do the math ;)
But can I say as a postscript...Tartar Sauce the Grumpy Cat, you are my reason for living!