The other day, Mr. RK and I were talking about how some things should require IQ tests first - or should I say common sense tests. You know, gun licenses, driving licenses, reproduction.
After an experience at a work dinner Friday night, I am going to add being a waiter/waitress to the list.
As you know, I've been doing a vegan diet for the past few months. Now, this is pretty easy to do here, as I live near a city whose motto is "Keep Portland Weird!" (No, I'm not kidding. And yes, it really is like Portlandia.) There are entire restaurants and grocery stores that are vegan-only.
I called this restaurant ahead of time as the only vegan item on their menu was an appetizer salad. They said no problem, they could make any pasta or risotto without eggs or dairy.
I confirmed this with the waitress at a dinner with my boss, husband, co-worker, and his wife.
Then I attempted to order.
"The almonds are toasted in a little bit of butter, is that OK?"
No. No dairy whatsoever. (For those of you who might think I'm just being picky, I discovered that dairy not only made my blood sugar a lot higher, so now I can take a lot less medication, but that it also made me ache. A lot.)
I request the mushroom risotto without parmesan.
"You might not like the risotto without the cheese."
Don't. Want. Cheese! Remember, because I am a vegan and that means I can't have dairy.
"Oh. Hey, can you have bacon?"
Pork is not, as Mr. RK noted, a vegan food.
I am not making this up. In fucking PORTLAND, no less. Now mind you, Hawthorne Street in SE Portland is like weird central, or
as close as you can get to being in Berkeley. Across the street from the
restaurant is a pizza place where you
can get pizza that is vegan, gluten-free, etc., and any combination
thereof. By the slice.
She told me that I really wouldn't like the risotto, so they'd make me a vegan pasta.
Then she came back and said they were making me a vegan risotto.
Which was actually quite good, but at this point I was just embarrassed at being the center of so much unwanted attention and also probably shooting daggers at her through my eyeballs.
The best part: at the bottom of the menu, it read, "Please let your server know if you have any food allergies or dietary restrictions. We are happy to accommodate you!"