Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Worst pick-up lines...ever.


Kristin wrote a post about the disappointment of finding out that the person you like is actually kind of a shithead (aptly titled, "Well, this sucks.")

I've had that happen many, many times, and it definitely does suck...but her post made me think of a post that I have been meaning to write for awhile.

And that would be about the worst pick-up lines EVER.

Because I swear to you, they've all been said to me - the stupid, the ridiculous, the super crass.

Top these. I triple dog dare you.

1. Walking past a cute guy outside a record store with a friend. He says, "Hey," and smiles. We both say, "Hey." He says, "Does one of you want to pay for me to get my nose pierced tonight?"

2. In a restaurant with a friend. Guy walks up to me while my mouth is full of salad. "Is that salad good?" Leaves. Comes back 2 seconds later. "You wanna go out sometime?"

3. On the FIRST DATE with someone, apropos of absolutely nothing related - I mean we were literally talking about politics - he spouts off, "So do you think it's more important that a guy is really well endowed, or that he knows what he's doing?" Thinking back, I should have said, "There has to be a choice?" But instead, I told him I was really into bondage, to make sure he never called me back. It worked.

4. On a blind double-date (never, never do that) with friends. I don't drink. He works at a winery and is super into wine, which is all he talks about all night. He has a couple of drinks and says, "RK, do you prefer it when guys are polite and politically correct, or do you want to really know when they want to sleep with you?"
Same idiot calls me less than 12 hours later, the next morning, to apologize. I told him to fuck off.

5. From a guy I dated for awhile in college: "Do you want to fuck my friend?" It's Halloween, and the friend is covered in grease paint makeup, by the way. Um, no.

6. Situation reversed: "Do you want to have a threesome with me and your roommate?"

7. "And here we are at our home!" On one of our first dates, meeting at his house. Holy. Fucking. Shit. No more dates after that!

8. I had a guy follow me out of a bookstore in New York and keep asking me out, over and over. Finally, I lied and told him I was gay. "That's OK - I still think you're hot!"

9. Meeting someone online, before we ever met in person - he sent me an e-mail with a ZIP file attachment that, thank God, I couldn't open. Because the e-mail said this: "So here are some of the things I think you might enjoy. But if the duct tape and bondage are too intimidating, we can skip that." DELETE!

10. "I forgot to tell you - I have a 5-year-old son with Tourette's." This was said by...Mr. RK! On our first date! He was kidding, of course, but I nearly stopped the car and threw him out of it.

So now, I'm all ears! Or eyes. Spill it! What are the worst lines you've ever heard?

And speaking of ridiculous...remember this guy? (See top.)

26 comments:

Ally said...

Guys totally suck. My personal favorite was when my crushes often said something like this, "Hey, um, can I talk to you" me dying with excitement, "Yes!" them, "Do you think you could hook me up with your friend." This happened to me three different times in HS and college. So depressing. Guys really are jerks.

FourthGradeNothing.com

mac said...

There was the guyon the elevator who leaned over and asked the lady standing next to him, "Can I smell your pussy?"

"WHY, I NEVER! NO!!!"

Then he said,"Well it must be your feet then"

(none of that is true)

LL Cool Joe said...

Nope I've never been chatted up or chatted anyone else up! Or maybe I'm too dumb to have noticed!

Actually that's a lie, I do get chatted up by women when I dj, but I just always assume one they are drunk and two they are just being friendly to the poor lonely dj at the party but not allowed to join in the fun.

G said...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

Should I, or shouldn't I?

I have one that will 1) knock your socks off and 2) offend someone.

Oh well.

I got a friend (still) who finds bald men hot (I'm bald, therefore, I'm hot).

Back in the day when I was going through a particular down period, she was offering a "friend with benefits" kind of relationship to help cheer me up.....she was offering the safer of the two main things that happen between a man and a woman.

Politely declined, but we're still friends (to a certain degree) today.

Not sure if this actually fits with your post, but I thought it would be fun to try to top what you wrote and what the other commenters might put in.

Ily said...

Wow, you've had some bad ones! lol

When I first moved to Miami I had a guy tell me, "Si cosinas como caminas me como hasta la raspita." lol

Darth Weasel said...

I feel so....sad. The best pick-up line I ever used was...was...I do not remember ever, ever, ever even trying one. And, having seen myself in the mirror...it is safe to say nobody ever used one on me. I am lame.

Lynn said...

I got an IM on my phone not long ago on a Saturday evening from a neighbor I have a passing acquaintance with that said, "Lynn - you don't have to be lonely tonight. Jason" I was sitting in a restaurant with a bunch of friends at the time. :)

LL Cool Joe said...

Ha, I think Lynn's comment wins! :D Love it.

Shionge said...

Hmmm......this is lame here...'Want to dance?'....not cool at all ;(

jingleyanqiu said...

winsome thoughts.

Fireblossom said...

Okay, now that I've recovered from my heart attack over you linking to "Kristin" (different Kristin! whew.) I see that I haven't woken up in an alternate reality, lol.

Well, my personal (un)favorite is the ever-popular "you just haven't met the right guy yet" or "close your eyes and you won't know I'm not a woman." Um, if I close my eyes, it's a migraine coming on from idiotic lines like that!

Mama Zen said...

Rico . . .
Suave . . .

Granny Annie said...

If the guy at the top of the page was dressed for Halloween he would be going as a "Walking Pick Up Line".

Riot Kitty said...

You are all cracking me up! G, that's pretty hilarious.

Logical Libby said...

Not really a pick up line, but my husband and I were walking in San Francisco when a guy barking for a strip club said "c'mon in, nothing says romance like buying her a lap dance."

Classy.

G said...

Scary thought: Gerardo still works in the record biz as an A&R guy I believe.

Riot Kitty said...

Libby: Oh for fuck's sake! Seriously!
G: No way! That is hilarious...

mac said...

I had a friend once who told me she had gotten a new tattoo, a mouse on her upper thigh.

Thinking that was an odd place for a mouse tat, I asked to see it (she knew I would ;-)

She raised her Sun Dress ever so slowly, higher, higher, higher, until I could see her polka-dot panties.

No tattoo?
She looked at me and coyly said, "My pussy must have eaten it"

JLee said...

those all happened to YOU??? Wow. Lots of losers out there, eh? lol None come to mind except one guy that I was friends with (and I thought he was hot) We both were attached, but when we both found ourselves singe, instead of asking me out, he said "wanna fuck?" Um.....NO!

JLee said...

"single" that is not "singe" hahaah
I'm out of it...

Senorita said...

I was at a classy bar and some old dirtbag in a leather jacket told me he could show me a good time, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Or when I was at the club a while back, some short Mexican was humping me from behind. This dude was short as me, and I am 5 ft tall.

Other than that, the bulk of the lamness came from married men trying to get into my pants. No way, no how.

Riot Kitty said...

Mac: That takes the cake. Seriously?
JLee: And many more! What a bunch of losers is right! But your friend - UGH.
S: That's just sick! I could write a book about married men and their lameness...

mac said...

Seriously!
She was a dear old friend. She was goofing on me, but I knew then that she kinda liked me ;-)

Mike_D said...

Okay, I just looked up what Illy said, and wow....

Ladies, I apologize on behalf of all the decent men out there...

That being said, I'm Mike--how ya like me so far?

Just kidding....

Green tea said...

This one I have to ponder awhile :)

Goose said...

This was actually said by me after a drunken one-night stand. "If I make you a cheese sandwich, will you please leave?!" Totally worked. Stupid Potheads and their munchies. Stupid me for drinking soooo much!!!

-Goose