Monday, April 12, 2010

Things they assume if you go shopping for bras


OK, boys forewarned: this is a totally girly post. AAB (All About Bras.)

Stop reading if you like. Keep reading if you want to laugh at the sad state of affairs that equals shopping for a bra.

Based on shopping experiences that I've had my entire adult life - and sadly, as of last weekend, nothing's changed - I can only come to the conclusion that manufacturers of bras assume the following:

1. If you're a C-cup or above, you want hospital matron-style, super-industrial-thick-strapped bras.

2. Even though you're already well-equipped, you must want MORE! You must want a PADDED bra!

3. If you're less than a B cup, you want something that resembles children's pyjamas. Polka dots, flowers, cottony shit. 'Cause you're probably still a virgin, or totally uninterested in looking sexy, which is for B cup people only.

4. If you want anything lacey (or remotely sexy - hell, how about not plain and ugly?), you also don't want any support whatsoever.

5. If you want anything attractive, you have a huge budget. Seriously, WTF? The smaller the amount of fabric, the more it costs. Economics says this should not be so!

6. If you shop in a store that is not limited to women's clothing, the bras will be stationed near something really convenient for peeping (bored? undersexed?) males, like men's underwear.

7. Depending on the colors of this fashion season, you're still living in the 1970s: Tang orange, magenta, and lime green are all you need.

8. If you are looking for a strapless bra, you want to be intimidated by a Borg-type looking contraption that is scary just to LOOK at.

9. If you want a racerback bra (e.g. one that won't show straps under a tank top), be prepared for a back-handed game of Twister in which you will always be the loser. You'll never understand this bra.

10. If there isn't an excessive amount of padding, you want your boobs to be shaped like cones.

11. My favorite...somehow they are made to be easily unhooked by the wearer, but impossible to unhook from your partner. Really romantic having to say, "Wait a minute - I'll get it!"

20 comments:

Logical Libby said...

If you don't want underwire, you better want padding. And vice versa.

mac said...

Well, if I knew that's where the bras were, I would've bought some underwear! Seriously, am I the only guy who doesn't own these dinosaur clothes?

Oh, I can do number 12 alright. That really worried my ex to no end :-)
That picture looks really uncomfortable...for the wearer, mind you. From the male perspective, it is kinda nice ;-)

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Bras and Shoes--Shopping for either is the bane of my existence.

Ally said...

I detest bra shopping. Being a DDD sucks so badly :(

Darth Weasel said...

Why is it I suddenly feel like quoting Jeff from Coupling Season One when speaking to the Israeli girl...

Senorita said...

I have DD boobies so bra makers assume I am some frumpy grandma. Totally sucks ass.

Luckily Victoria's Secret has some sort of clue so I stick to them and wait for their Annual Sale, even though they could do better. I refuse to shop anywhere else.

Lynn said...

I have a couple of favorites that I wear all the time - they are sports bras though. Not the prettiest, but fairly comfortable. Bra shopping is right up there with swimsuit shopping. :)

G said...

Hmmmmm.....women still where these things?

Where I come from, 'tis the season to be oh-so-loose and fancy free (100% serious here) in the city.

Ily said...

Funny you mention this. I recently went bra shopping with (and for) my daughter and she couldn't wait to get out of the "virgin" section...with all the polka dots and Hello Kitty designs (although she loves Hello Kitty!), but it was either that or trampy, expensive cuts that looked way too big. It's not a fun shopping experience; I'd rather shop for thongs (without my daughter).

Granny Annie said...

Bra shopping is my biggest nightmare. Find the perfect bra, go back for more and that bra has been discontinued. You have to wear the one until it rots because none of the million other bras in your dresser drawers fit.

LL Cool Joe said...

I think if people are allowed to wear padded bras then we should also be allowed to wear padded boxer shorts. What do you think?

Mama Zen said...

And, if you're built like me, you must want a training bra featuring the cast of High School Musical. By the way, what exactly are my breasts in training for?

Riot Kitty said...

LL: I know, right?
Mac: Yes, you are.
SEC: Right on the money.
Ally and Senorita: I sympathize! I thought it was bad at 38C, so I'll shut up now.
Darth: LMAO! I totally forgot about that...
Lynn: Oh, don't get me started about swimming suit shopping.
Ily: I remember having the same problem in jr high, and being bewildered. Dots or Elvira!
GA: That's one I forgot! You're right! I went back to a store to get more of the good ones and...alas, they were no more.
Joey: Great idea ;)
MZ: Good question!

Mike_D said...

Sorry--I had to buy a new keyboard.

I think I drooled for a second..

HA!

Mike_D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Riot Kitty said...

Mike: LMAO!
G: Forgot to respond - seriously?! Yuck. That's just so low-class. (And for some of us, it would be, um, painful.)

Shionge said...

Yo RK, I was thinking of posting about bras when I put on my new VS's bra..you beat me to it hehehhe...

I have two padded bras couple of years back and it is so uncomfortable.....stick to my t=shirt bra heheheh

G said...

Gotta remember where I work...I work in the capitol (and Mike D can probably verify my statements as well).

This is considered normal.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

YOur post hit a nerve...I HATE shopping for bras. And that includes VS-that store intimidates me, as I am, well, let's just say, not 5'4" and 100 lbs. And when I tried to get a bra fitting like Oprah prattles on and on about, the woman couldn't have been less interested in me. If anyone has recommendations, let's share......

Riot Kitty said...

S: I hate it when they stick to your t-shirts.
G: Yuck.
AITBW: The V-S store bugs me because their display windows at the mall are like porn clothing!