Monday, April 12, 2010
Things they assume if you go shopping for bras
OK, boys forewarned: this is a totally girly post. AAB (All About Bras.)
Stop reading if you like. Keep reading if you want to laugh at the sad state of affairs that equals shopping for a bra.
Based on shopping experiences that I've had my entire adult life - and sadly, as of last weekend, nothing's changed - I can only come to the conclusion that manufacturers of bras assume the following:
1. If you're a C-cup or above, you want hospital matron-style, super-industrial-thick-strapped bras.
2. Even though you're already well-equipped, you must want MORE! You must want a PADDED bra!
3. If you're less than a B cup, you want something that resembles children's pyjamas. Polka dots, flowers, cottony shit. 'Cause you're probably still a virgin, or totally uninterested in looking sexy, which is for B cup people only.
4. If you want anything lacey (or remotely sexy - hell, how about not plain and ugly?), you also don't want any support whatsoever.
5. If you want anything attractive, you have a huge budget. Seriously, WTF? The smaller the amount of fabric, the more it costs. Economics says this should not be so!
6. If you shop in a store that is not limited to women's clothing, the bras will be stationed near something really convenient for peeping (bored? undersexed?) males, like men's underwear.
7. Depending on the colors of this fashion season, you're still living in the 1970s: Tang orange, magenta, and lime green are all you need.
8. If you are looking for a strapless bra, you want to be intimidated by a Borg-type looking contraption that is scary just to LOOK at.
9. If you want a racerback bra (e.g. one that won't show straps under a tank top), be prepared for a back-handed game of Twister in which you will always be the loser. You'll never understand this bra.
10. If there isn't an excessive amount of padding, you want your boobs to be shaped like cones.
11. My favorite...somehow they are made to be easily unhooked by the wearer, but impossible to unhook from your partner. Really romantic having to say, "Wait a minute - I'll get it!"