Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Soap operas, short vikings, and ordering condoms for work

So as you know, we're helping people sign up for Medicaid and other insurance at work. It has been an exercise in patience, and not just with the paperwork.

My intern, for instance, took this call today:

Caller: "I want to make an appointment. I am open all day tomorrow."
Intern:  "How about 12:30?"
Caller: "No, I'll be watching a soap opera."
Intern: "How many people in your household?"
Caller (in all seriousness): "Just me. I've never been married. I watch soap operas, and I know how that goes!"

Then, there's the condoms I have to order for work. Long story short, every winter, we work with a volunteer's place of business to put together gift bags of toiletries, a warm item of clothing, and a small gift (e.g. a journal or cards) and distribute them to shelters and drop-in centers that serve people who are homeless and have severe mental illness. The health department heard about this and offered to give us about 2,000 condoms, since people living on the streets are much more likely to have Hep C and HIV.

So there is a sequence of emails for work where we are all giggling like eighth grade girls, and then it comes to the condom request form.

Me, in an email to the project coordinator: Please see the attached form and let me know what kind of condoms you want, and how many.
Her reply: Seriously?
Me: Yes. I've been married forever. I have no clue about these things.
Her: OK! 5300.
Me: I think they can only get us 2,000?
Her: That was the item number! O.M.G.

She chose ... drumroll please ... red, yellow and green ones. At first I thought she chose "extra snug fit" (yes, that is on the form) but I was one digit off.

Then, filling out the form (and I kid you not), it asks, "Who will be using the condoms?" and lists different categories of populations.

Um. We don't exactly have a signout sheet, do we?  So I just checked all of the boxes.

Meanwhile, my DNA spit kit arrived but it will take 6-8 weeks to process the spit. In the meantime, I told my dad that the newly discovered Scandinavian on his mom's side means we are clearly descendant from, among other groups, vikings! This makes perfect sense to me.

Him: "You're too short to be a viking."
Me: "There are short vikings!"

I believe this to be true, anyhow. It would explain a lot.

20 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

I suspect that all Vikings were short - which might go some way to explaining their aggression. My brothers (who all suffer from duck's disease in that their bums are too close to the ground) are all aggressive. And would certainly pillage and plunder if they thought they could get away with it.
Love the condom story. And you ticking every category.

Birdie said...

In our community we have several places where you can go and just grab handfuls of condoms, my workplace office being one of them. I sometimes wonder what one of my nurse leaders would do if I walked up and grabbed a few handfuls and started filling my pockets.

Why is that cat coming out of the wall? Why? How did she get there? Does she live in the wall full-time or just once in a while? Does she belong to the neighbours in an apartment next door? Does she belong to neighbours down the hall and tunnel her way through the walls? And how did the hole get there?

Lee said...

Your job gets more intriguing by the day. Did you order any ribbed ones, or ones with feathers on the end?

Lynn said...

They make condoms with feathers on the end???

I went to a Concrete Blonde concert once and they were handing out handfuls of colorful condoms to everyone who came in the door of the venue. I dropped them in my purse and forgot about them until I was looking for a lost purse item one day and turned my purse over on my desk. An employee in my group walked in my office and smiled at the pile of stuff from my purse and then zeroed in on the condoms. I opened my mouth to explain and he held up his hand and just said to let him run with this in his head, please. :)

In all seriousness - good for your org that you are doing such good things!

OldLady Of The Hills said...

Being old, I had no idea that there were so very many variety's of condoms....And I haven't been in a drugstore in over eight years....! AMAZING!!!
You all do GREAT Things!

I agree with you---Vikings come in every size just like other people!

LOVE that picture of the cat coming through the wall.....lol!

Granny Annie said...

"This is not a very well built condom" the cat said as it was coming through the wall. "Still that many free condoms willz take care of living space for alls the homeless... Oh wait, that condominiums. Sorry:("

Debra She Who Seeks said...

From condoms to Vikings in a single post? Bravo, Riot Kitty, you rock!

Mike_D said...


Short Vikings.....


That's all I have to say....

Charles Gramlich said...

you make my job sound quite boring. But you know, at my advanced age, I'm ok with that. :)

A Beer For The Shower said...

Someone should introduce Caller to TiVo. Never miss your "daytime stories" again!

Also, colored condoms. Wow. Because if there's one thing I want, it's to see what my schlong would look like it it was neon green.

"Hulk smash!"

...Kay, that's enough of that.

lotta joy said...

Of course we would all concentrate on the colored condoms. But if there was a hole in one of them, what color would the baby be?

Memphis Steve said...

I used to lift weights with a short Scandanavian viking. I say short, but he was 5'9". It was just that he had a short man complex despite not actually being short. Anyway, he told me this story about how historically the vikings were giants and when the Angles and Saxons finally got it together and chased the vikings back up to Abba-country they killed all the tallest, biggest vikings, leaving only the little troll-like vikings still alive. And that is allegedly why vikings today are short. According to him. I don't know if there's any truth to that or not, but no one in Abba was especially tall so maybe he's right.

G. B. Miller said...

Should we call you Captain Condom, defender of one's right to fornicate 24/7/365 w/o fear of going deep into unimaginable debt for child support?

Yeah, okay, I realize that was lame, but hey, sometimes us guv'ment workers have to spend a lot of time recovering from those George Jetson type workweeks.

Riot Kitty said...

EC: I have never heard of duck's disease! Awesome theory.
Birdie: I say go for it. Stuff your pockets and delight in the looks on their faces! So many questions...so many unknowns ;)
Lee: No feather options, sadly...
Lynn: That is hilarious! Did you just pass out laughing?
Naomi: I didn't either! And thanks :)
GA: That is fantaztic! :)
Debra: Why thank you!
Mike: I am left to ponder your brevity. Although I could wax poetic about Eye of the Tiger and Bouncy Hauses...
Charles: You are too funny! You work with students, there has got to be plenty of material there.
ABFTS: Ummmm, yeah. I suppose it would be rather like fucking a superhero or a fruit or vegetable.
Lotta: Green, definitely green.
Steve: That is fucking awesome. Definitely sharing that with my dad!
GB: So now I am having flashes of all of these Hanna Barbera characters gone perverse...EEEEWWW.

Rock Chef said...

Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis were good Vikings and they were not known for being tall...

Giving out condoms? Might upset some of the more extreme pro-lifers...

Abby said...

I just like the thought of condoms and Vikings in the same blog post.

Cheryl said...

You have the most interesting job. How many people get to the variety of things you do.

I am sure there were short Vikings. I am more concerned how a cat from Persia or Siam could be a Viking. But he/she looks really cute in their little Viking hat.

DWei said...

And it's a good thing that she's single. I mean, could you imagine the kind of housewife she'd be if all her relationship knowledge is from soap operas?

Now I'm left wondering what I'm descended from. A part of me hopes it's not Chinese and more Chinese.

Ileana said...

The condom story is hilarious..."they can only get us 2000?" Ay, chica, you crack me up...but I thought was YOU thought s well. :)

That kit is pricey, isn't it? I'd love to know what my spit would tell me. Well, I THINK I'd love to know. Hmm...

Riot Kitty said...

RC: Good point about those guys! Yeah, we don't advertise the condom part...it's like an extra bonus ;)
Abby: It's pretty excellent, isn't it?
Cheryl: Variety is the spice of life! And my cats have informed me that they can be anything they like...that if they had opposable thumbs, they would take over the world.
DW: HAHA! It's a he. And you can always get a spit kit.
Ily: They are only $99 now! It should be interesting.