Thursday, November 14, 2013

Oh fudge.

Some random observations from this past week:

1. The farther I get from Portlandia, the more things start to scare me. We held an event for work about 2 1/2 hours away from Portland last weekend, and I saw these signs on the freeway (not making this up):

Sign A (Picture of a guy jumping in the air, fist-pumping, like the old Toyota ads): "Jesus came to free us from slavery! End your porn addiction today!"

Sign B (No picture but it didn't really need one): "Saturday is the TRUE Sabbath. It was hijacked by the AntiChrist!"

Sign C: "If you die tonight...Heaven? (Picture of sun and clouds.) Or Hell? (Picture of flames.)"

Toto...I suddenly found myself in Kansas.

I emailed my dad, who replied, regarding sign C, "You mean we get to choose?" (This is funnier when you consider that he was once a clergyman.)

2. I don't know if I like being old enough to give advice to a teenager. The kiddo had an overnight at our place this week (a sort of impromptu slumber party, really), and he said, "I need to talk to you later. Just us. About SERIOUS TEENAGE STUFF!" (Yes, he really said that.)

And the serious teenage stuff was .... drum roll ... sex! Or the proposition of. The kiddo and his girlfriend have been on one date - her first date ever - and already she wants to jump his bones. He wanted my thoughts on this. I thought to myself, "Well done! You're thinking this through instead of being a purely horny teenage guy." Also thinking, has this girl got issues neither one of us know about?

So I asked him if he was hesitating, and he said kinda, so I said, Always go with your gut. If it's not right it's not right, there's always time. And then, being me, I blurted out, "Where would you go, anyway?"

He interrupted in true millennial fashion, "I have condoms by the way! Don't worry! I will be safe!"

So here I am talking about condoms at work AND at home. Sometimes, I think it's rather silly to be me.

Oh - and speaking of silly, you know the applications we are helping people fill out to sign up for Medicaid and private insurance on our state's health insurance exchange? There is a part where you think it's the end, because you sign, signifying that the application is complete, and then it says, "Congratulations! You're done!" This is the text verbatim.

On the back of that page there are more required questions. Needless to say, a lot of people have missed these and their applications will be deemed "incomplete."

A fucked up website is one thing; complete DIPSHITS writing the applications is another thing altogether.  I suppose I know where to go interview if I decide that I need a job I can sleep through and still be employed.


Elephant's Child said...

Those signs are a hoot - a scary hoot, but a hoot just the same. (Does three hoots make me an owl?)]
And I have to tell you that you are only half as old as fuck - and that young man is soooooo lucky to have you in his life. And I too love that he is thinking. With his brain.

Birdie said...

They really need to come up with a more reliable birth control for men.

Lynn said...

Golly - I love in the Bible belt and never see signs like that. Or maybe they are there and I'm so used to things like that I just don't see them.

That last lol cat made me lol! And I don't do belly laughs much. Good job on all the lol cats. :) Kiddo is learning from you, I think - he had already thought that through. Good job.

Granny Annie said...

Right now this young man just sees you as "someone" in his life. The day will come when he will reflect on you as "someone special" in his life. You are more of a blessing to him than either of you know. Okay,okay, that's mushy and I'm sorry but you know....just sayin'...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You give good advice, for an old fart.

Charles Gramlich said...

Your life sounds too exciting for me. :)

CraveCute said...

I remember when my life used to be almost as exciting as yours. But, I digress, your images are hee-hee-Larious. Esp. the cats embracing!! And all of Kansas is not nuts, just most of it. P.S. I still have lots of relatives there so I know what I'm talking about!

Abby said...

And I thought I was surrounded by holy rollers. They mean well.
I suspect "your" teenager is actually more comfortable talking to you about serious teenage stuff than many are to their own parents. Good for him that he's got you. And yeah, what's up with first-date-ever girl?

lotta joy said...

A large, two sided, handmade sign in the field across from my house screams: ETERNITY IN HELL IS A LONG TIME.

I've always wanted to climb the fence and write "ETERNITY IN HELL is being married to this man."

He's got to be fun around the dinner table.

DWei said...

So glad I live in Canada. Religious fundamentalists are much, MUCH rarer.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

Those signs are scary!!!
I LOVE the picture of the two cats! It sounds like you are doing a GREAT job with the Kiddo.....
Oh, I LOVE what your Dad said about Heaven and Hell....And that he was once a preacher....!
Hope you have a lovely weekend, my dear.

Riot Kitty said...

EC: Thank you! On both counts.
B: Seriously.
Lynn: I'm guessing you don't see them anymore.
Annie: AWWW! Why are you sorry? Thank you :)
Debra: Thanks ;)
CG: Really? Or just too much of a pain in the ass? :)
CC: Good to know! I haven't actually been there.
Lotta: Thank you, you made me laugh my ass off reading this!! GO for it!
DW: (Sighing wistfully.)
Naomi: Thank you...right now I am trying not to kill the kid!

LL Cool Joe said...

You are so right you should always go with your gut, although sometimes your gut can let you down. :D

Scary signs, even for a Bible basher like me. :D

G. B. Miller said...

I've heard radio ads (mostly on college radio) for the Christian porn addiction thingy, and while it does look hokey on the sign, they do smack you across the face when you hear the PSA.

As for the young man talking to you about doing the horizontal bop, be glad that he is talking to you about doing the horizontal bop.

Most teens do not talk with their parents (or foster parents for that matter) about doing the horizontal bop. They just do.

However, kudos need to be given for him having the wherewithal for carrying a condom (just have him make sure it ain't expired).

Lee said...

And there I was expecting a fudge recipe!

Good on that young fellow...on three counts...the hesitation; the desire to talk with you about his quandry; and for him being prepared...just in case.

Cheryl said...

Wow, one date and the girl is already asking for sex. I am way older than you and I find this casual attitude about sex, sad. So much for special or meaningful. I don't think you have to be married but maybe something more that one date.

Those signs are interesting. I have lived in Kansas for 9 years now and haven't seen anything remotely as "Bible beltish as that."

Riot Kitty said...

Joey: I don't think these people understand Christianity, honestly.
GB: Oh man! I need to look up the PSA. And you had me in stitches at "horizontal bop!"
Lee: Ha! If I find any vegan ones, I'll let you know ;) And good on him, yes, except for making me feel OLD.
Cheryl: I was shocked. I know her, not well obviously, but yeah. I thought of you when I wrote the Kansas joke! But I was more just wanting to be clever. There are scary people everywhere.

A Beer For The Shower said...

It's not just the sex thing. One date and she's already the girlfriend? Girl likes to move fast, doesn't she? After one date I would still be figuring out if I wanted a second, much less "we should be committed!"

Riot Kitty said...

ABFTS: Yeah. And stranger because they're so young, methinks, compared to my rememberance of high school. Neither of them drive, and they were "committed" before they even went on a date, and that date was AT THE MALL, and I had to drive him and her mom had to drive her. Odd.