Thursday, November 28, 2013

Don't let the turkeys get you down

I haven't posted a good rant in awhile, but in the spirit of the holiday, I'm going to tell you, albeit in the bitchiest way possible, why I am thankful for being an adult, especially around the holidays. (Oh, and for the record, although I am a vegan, there's no fucking Tofurky here. No fucking way.)
I am thankful that I am an adult because:

1. I don't have to spend the holidays with people I don't like. Why the hell should I? I'm a grownup and it's my damn day off. Tomorrow we are seeing the kiddo and one of my friends who has the paradox of having shitty relatives within driving distance, but great relatives out of state.

2. No one can tell me when it's time to eat. Did you remember this shit from when you were a kid? You had to wait FOREVER, until Uncle Joe or Auntie Margaret put the finishing touches on God knows what, or Cousin Phil took forever to show up and we all had to fucking starve because he was always late, but somehow, we still had to be polite. Then, they'd make you wait for dessert until all of the adults wanted it. Fuck that shit.

3. When I cook, I will cook exactly the way I fucking want to. This means mashed potatoes peeled before they are boiled. I can't tell you home many times I heard from people (not my dad, of course, he's awesome and I don't know that he ventured into the potato area), "You have to leave the skins on! That's where the vitamins are!" I don't have to do anything. That's also where the dirt is.

That also means no one can harass me about why I don't eat cooked birds, and I don't have to think the responses I'd like to say out loud. Mind you, I'm not telling anyone else not to. So why harass me?

"Why are you a vegan again?" Because you're not.
"Don't you like the taste of meat?" Yes, I love it, I'm just into self-punishment. I dream about McNuggets.
"How do you get any protein?" I grow soybeans illegally on my front porch.

4. I don't have to go back to school next week, thus, I have no homework. What was up with that? Then you'd go back to school and your teachers would say, "Oh, we are so behind!" We? Who is this "we"? My little brother and sister have three hours of homework each night. I'd rather have three hours of work work each night.

5.  I am now at the age where saying, "Because I said so!" actually works. Really. I got a phone call from the staff on duty at the kiddo's group home tonight because he refused to give up his phone and go to bed. I got on the phone and he started to whinge and give me all kinds of bullshit reasons why they shouldn't take his phone away. I told him, among other things, that I didn't want to hear it and the main reason he had to give up his phone was "Because I said so, that's why!" Jesus. Add a couple of personality disorders and some bleach and I could be turning into my biological mother.

Just kidding. She's totally not that reasonable.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


Rock Chef said...

Happy Thanksgiving, whatever you decide to eat whenever you decide to eat it!

I must say I can't remember my family holding up a dinner for someone to arrive - if the food was ready it got eaten - if you weren't there it was your loss!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You are Riot Kitty, hear you roar! Happy tofurkeyless Thanksgiving!

G. B. Miller said...

I used to go through some of that aggravation, then as I got older and my health became less than 100%, I would simply say, "That's fine. You can wait, and I'll make a plate up for myself."

Have a happy Thanksgiving and at the very least, have a little gravy with your tofu. :D

Charles Gramlich said...

I see I'm not using "Because I said so enough." Gotta get on that. :)

Abby said...

Awesome. We stopped spending Thanksgiving with the sh*tty relatives until they finally stopped asking. Thank God. Enjoy!

Elephant's Child said...

Happy Thanksgiving - and I am happy that the tofudelopes are safe. I am vegetarian rather than vegan but DONT eat and won't eat all the imitation meats. Can't believe its not bacon? Yes I can - and why bother.

Because I said so is going to get a work out here...

OldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL.....LOVE this Rant!!
A Very Happy Thanksgiving, my dear, and it's just wonderful that you can eat whatever you want WHENEVER you want to....and Good For You!!!!

Cheryl said...

You are funny even when you are ranting.

There are a lot of days, I am thankful for being an adult but a few that I like the idea of not ever having a bill with my name on it.

Seriously??? People question you "why" you are vegan??? I think I would be ranting if I had to explain to people my dietary choices.

Riot Kitty said...

RC: I with my extended family felt that way. When I see immediate family (the only ones I want to see these days), we're much more reasonable.
Debra: Thank you!
GB: I am totally stealing that idea. And no gravy, but an entree that I think you actually would have liked.
Charles: It worked like a charm. We'll see if it does a second time.
Abby: Cheers!
EC: HAHA! That should be the tagline on the stuff "Yes I can - and why bother."
Naomi: Thank you! I can't eat exactly whatever I want, but being an adult has its perks for sure.
Cheryl: Thank you ;) Yes, I get questions like that all the time. I want to say, "Well, why do you eat friend dead things?" but haven't gone there yet.

A Beer For The Shower said...

This is what I needed. A Thanksgiving rant. Amen to that cooking thing especially. Nothing like getting backseat driver advice on how to cook my own specialty dishes from people who can't even boil water.

Granny Annie said...

Here's wishing you a voyeur's Thanksgiving meal. Go from house to house sucking on a broccoli frozen Popsicle peering in windows watching families eat themselves into oblivion before falling into a tryptophan coma and tiptoe away from the windows laughing all the way with your own herd of turkey elves throwing rose petals in your path.

LL Cool Joe said...

What do you mean you haven't posted a rant for a while? All your posts are rants! Ha!

I've found with my kids saying "Coz I said so" makes no difference at all!

Riot Kitty said...

ABFTS: Happy to oblige!
GA: You crack me up! Although I don't like broccoli all that much.
Joey: Aren't you funny! Hmm. Hopefully that line lasts for awhile with the kiddo.

Mike_D said...

Illegal beans indeed!!

Lynn said...

Oh my! I hope you had a nice day. :)

I used to be vegetarian (still am, part-time) - I didn't like fake meat products either (still don't). Tempeh? Yuck.

Riot Kitty said...

Mike: Meh. It's Oregon ;)
Lynn: I did, for the most part. :)

Ileana said...

You are a gem, my friend. I love that you're a vegan. That's all my daughter's been talking about so we're trying to take baby steps...eating vegetarian for the month of December. I could use your help on some TASTY dishes. Everything in the book she bought sounds bland. Seriously, let's talk about kale. :)

Introverted Art said...

#1 to me says it all!!

DWei said...

Don't worry! For every animal you don't eat, I'll eat three. I'm sure it'll balance out somewhere along the line.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a vegan but I don't really like eating anything feathered ......due to some childhood trauma thingey. So what did you have?

Riot Kitty said...

Ily: Totally, chica! Email me what kind of stuff you like to eat. It's really easy to do Italian, Thai, Indian, etc.
IA: Yep :)
DW: I won't worry, I hear you eating McNuggets as we speak.
LG: I had a rice bowl with tofu and grilled veggies and black beans. :)

Lee said...

Good for you! That's sure telling it as it is...or as it should be!