Saturday, October 05, 2013

Bad dates? I has had them.

So there was some tough stuff this week with the kiddo I am advocating for. Luckily we managed to talk through it and have a good day. Tonight he was having some anxiety, so the plan is that he texts me and I distract him.

So I wrote back, "I just remembered the worst pickup line ever! Will call you in 5."

Which prompted a discussion between him, me, the staff on duty at the home he lives in, and Mr. RK.

This reminded me of why I have told Mr. RK repeatedly that if he decides one day that he no longer prefers women, or God forbid something ever happens to him like a piano falling out of the sky and onto his head, he doesn't have to worry: I would never date again!

So tell me if you have ever had anything happen like...

1. You meet someone online and you suggest a coffee date. They suggest dinner. Then, when the bill arrives, they ask you to split it. (Mind you, I think people should take turns paying, and I erred on the side of paying when I was dating, but if you invite, you should offer to pay, right?) How romantic. Then they suggest a walk in the park and out of the blue they ask you, "So what do you prefer? A guy who has a big dick or a guy who knows how to use it?"

As if these two are mutually exclusive. And that was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay TMI about him. (How did I solve this? I somehow, with a straight face, told him I was into hardcore bondage, ensuring that he would never call me again. It worked.)

2.  Ask someone out and arrange to meet at a nice restaurant, and she shows up WITH A BABY. One you didn't know she had, since she never told you she had a kid. She is super messy and gets food all over the place. Then you drive her home, and there are all these people smoking pot outside the front of her house, because - surprise! - she may be a new mom, but she's also a stoner. (This was from the counselor at the group home. Holy fucking shit. I couldn't one-up him.)

3. Go on a date to a thriller/horror movie. Get the surprise of your life when your date decides to grab your manhood out of nowhere. "YIPE!" Luckily, the timing is such that you jump out of your seat during a scary (for the rest of the audience also) moment.

4. Go on a double date at the beach and watch your date get drunk, throw up, and then ask you to make out on the beach. (Mr. RK, I think, was just relieved when he met me to have someone only mildly crazy, based on the stories I have heard.)

5. Ask this pretty girl on a date. Take her to McDonald's, and then ask her to pay.

Yes, really, but apparently it worked...Mr. RK's best friend from high school has now been married to the pretty girl for more than 20 years! 

So how about you? I know you have some doozies. Let's have 'em.

26 comments:

Elephant's Child said...

Nope. No dating stories - I didn't do a lot of it.
However, a meeting the parents story which still makes me smile.
We rode 600 kilometres (in one day) on his motor bike on the trip I was to meet his parents. I had a pack on my back, and one under my arm. When we stopped for fuel I was told I could only go to the loo if I could be back before he filled the tank. We followed a cattle truck for the last 60 kilometres. All the cattle had upset digestion - which sprayed back all over me.
We pulled into his parent's drive. No-one to be seen. So I punched him - to later discover they were peeking out through the blinds. Oops. Large woman covered in cow manure punching your only son. An excellent introduction. (And they grew to love me).

Claire T said...

Worst one? A guy who spent the whole main course explaining to me what he needed in a 'Christian girl'. It was quite the long, misogynisitic, and dull list. And this was on a first date.

Good Lord I'm glad I found my cutie!

OldLady Of The Hills said...

I don't have a-one! I've led a very dull dating life, I guess....I'm so old the 'girl' never paid on a date...I wish that had been part of the dating ritual back in the dark ages....One would not feel such an obligation to stick it out till the end of the evening, if I could have paid and said, "Nighty Night, Now!"

LL Cool Joe said...

Nope no dating stories here either. Or none that I can remember, sorry! God I've been hitched for so long I can't remember what it was like to go on a date!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I hate first dates where you show up and she brings multiple friends along to check you out so they can tell her later all the flaws they think you have. Happened to me a couple of times. Maybe this is just a lesbian dating thing, I don't know?

wigsf3 said...

Met for drinks at a patio bar. In the middle of the date, she got up, left the bar, grabbed one of those free local newspapers, came back into the bar, back to our table, sat down and started to read the paper.

Charles Gramlich said...

I told a few dating stories in Days of Beer. Mostly my bad, I would have to say.

Abby said...

OMG, I'm just having fun with all these different stories! And it all makes me realize that I've mostly dated pretty good guys. And like Joey, I've been hitched so long, I can barely remember any dates!

Granny Annie said...

I had a bad marriage. I had a wonderful marriage. Now I need never date again. Dating is a ugly, ugly word and it thrills my soul to never have to be so inclined to go through that again.

Remembering one first-date man who called me and invited me to dinner and a movie. I dressed to the nines and he picked me up wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We were going to a hamburger joint and a drive-in movie.

Dexter Klemperer said...

No good dating stories. But when I met St. Pauli Girl's grandmother for the first time, she said to St. Pauli Girl, "Why he's not ugly!" Thanks...I think.

A Beer For The Shower said...

How much time do you have?

I once went on a date with a girl who said she'd just come from the doctor. Being the jokester I am, I said something like, "Yeah, we've all had the herp one time or another. It happens. So what do you want to eat?" She just stopped, got a very serious look in her eyes, and said, "I wasn't going to admit it, but yes, it's herpes. I got it from having unprotected sex with a guy just three days ago. And right now I need a man who's strong enough to deal with that, not someone who's going to run. Which one are you?"

Mind you, this was within one minute of meeting her. And what did I do? Well, I ran like a motherf***er. Because herpes is forever, goddammit, and knowingly facing it with a complete stranger does not make you "strong," it makes you "stupid."

Betty Manousos said...

no dating stories here either.

all i can say is, given what the dating pool is like, i'm so happy being content and single.

Betty Manousos said...

no dating stories here either.

all i can say is, given what the dating pool is like, i'm so happy being content and single.

Betty Manousos said...

..great post, rk!

Lynn said...

I do not enjoy dating - they always seem to turn out crazy or boring. I can't say I have any stories as wild as the ones above though. I thought I might try online dating a few years ago and I was close to going out with a guy I had not met in person yet, but he felt inspired to tell me in an online "getting to know you" session that I was expected to keep myself clean and have extra good hygiene. I told him that I was sorry he had been inflicted with all these apparently stinky women, but that I would pass on getting appraised on that any further from him. :)

G. B. Miller said...

Hmmm...I've dated very infrequently in my life. Prior to hooking up with Mrs. G.B., I dated exactly two girls.

One was a family friend that I seriously, seriously, seriously screwed up like you would not believe. Fortunately, she still likes me, although we haven't seen each other in a few decades.

The other was a bit of a flake, and I had to contend with her mom who was:

1} A cop.

2} A city cop.

3} A city cop who was the first female member of the vice squad.

Suffice to say, dating her didn't last very long.

Riot Kitty said...

I am just loving all of these!

Riot Kitty said...

Oh, and Debra - I've never even heard of that!!

Rock Chef said...

Never did the dating thing - pretty much went from bumbling along in life to steady relationship - which I am still in!

Lee said...

Off hand at the moment I can't think of any bad dates I've had...but I've had a few dates that gave me the pip! ;)

DWei said...

The best one I have is an online dating experience wherein the girl told me that when we met she was going to "rape" me.

Needless to say. I stopped talking to her shortly after.

Just telling it like it is said...

I once met a guy out and talked to him for a month on the phone he finally asked me out on my birthday, He showed up in a car with no a/c it was burning up outside. I offered to drive my car but he insisted we took his, then minutes from the restaurant his car started on fire. After racing in to the Gingis grill for water, he pushed the car into the parking lot. We then ate dinner and the rt the info that he had a fake testicle replacing the one he wasn't born with. that is why it took him so long to ask me out...TMI on the first dte...

Riot Kitty said...

RC: Cheers!
Lee: What does that expression mean? I'm a yank, remember.
DW: Um. YUCK.
Just telling: OMG! I think you win. Big time.

Lee said...

It mean someone is a pain in the arse (ass)...so they give you the pip! (Pips being seeds...dates having seeds...hence pip...and so on) lol

Senorita said...

Once a guy handed me a small stuffed animal sprayed with cologne that he took from his sister. Then
tried to sneak me into a movie theater through the back door to avoid paying. On the way to sneak me in, he ripped out flowers from the flower bed to give them to me. When he took me to In and Out burger, he offered two bucks to help out (but not pay for the entire meal).

To top of the evening, he tried groping me in a parking lot.

Part of this is my fault for not leaving so soon, but he was a hottie, and I was young and dumb ten years ago.

Thankfully I have wisened up since then.

Riot Kitty said...

Lee: Thank you! I will make sure to use that, as it's very clever.
Senorita: Um. WOW! You and Just Telling win, hands down.