Sunday, April 29, 2012

When the hen has fun with the rooster

Sometimes I take my friend's teenage sons out on the town (no, not really, just usually to lunch or the mall. I hate the mall, I only take them because they enjoy it and they don't drive yet.) I call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. They are about the same age as one of my little brothers and I told them I am adopting them as such. They seem fine with this.

Today, the Things and I went to Mexican food and Thing 1 started grilling me about why I am a vegetarian. (Thing 2 told him, "She can eat whatever she wants!" but I don't mind answering questions.)

I told them I don't eat anything that used to have a face. So questions came around to eggs. 

This is a squishy bit where I am probably a bit of a hypocrite. Ideally, I'd like to not eat any animal products at all (mind you, I don't police other people about what they eat, have your bacon cheeseburger anytime), but I love cheese enchiladas and I love omelettes. Now, I don't want to eat anything that theoretically *could* become a chicken, so I eat unfertilized eggs.

Try explaining this to a 16-year-old who is stuffing his face with chips.

Thing 1: "What's the difference between a fertilized egg and an unfertilized egg? Don't they taste the same?"

Me: "Hens will lay eggs no matter what. The fertilized ones are ones from when the hen has fun with the rooster."

At this point our waiter, whose family owns the restaurant and whom my friends and I know pretty well, bursts out laughing.

"The hen has fun with the rooster?" he asked.

"I have to do the PG rated version," I said.

I shouldn't have bothered. After hearing about some of the things they had seen on YouTube, I felt REALLY old and out of it.

"Don't you have parental controls?" I naively asked.

"NO!" they said, adding, "The internet is a really scary place sometimes!"

If that wasn't enough to make me feel old, I had to confiscate the green sucker (the restaurant always gives you suckers with the check) at the end so they wouldn't fight over it.

Yes, I am at the age where teenagers can't question my authority. Scary shit. I'm going to go do something really immature now so I don't feel my age.


middle child said... when I wore my Towelly-(sp?)- tee shirt to work at the grade school not knowing what that dude was all about until some 5th grader clued me in. My kids and grandkids still talk about that one.

Granny Annie said...

Where do you buy "unfertilized" eggs? How can you be sure one of the gals didn't sneak around?

I didn't need to worry about x-rated movies and the internet. I had to worry about Danny and Donnie the five-year-old twin boys next door who were always happy to share their version of the "facts of life" with my ages 4 & 5 son and daughter. It seems Danny and Donny and visited a farm.....

Anonymous said...

I explained sex to five five and six year old nieces. I felt really cool about it while I was talking away, but when they left the room, I considered calling the authorities. I can't ever take it back. Luckily, none of it sank in. Just yesterday, my nieces asked me why men have tails between their legs.

Lynn said...

That sounds like a fun lunch. :) It would be hard to be vegan, although I find myself eating that way a lot.

G. B. Miller said...

Should've used the picture of Cartman when he's dressed up like a cop saying, "RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!!"

I've had people ask a few times if I was a vegan, simply because I don't like milk in its raw form (although I have a co-worker at my facility who likes to brag about how bad all dairy products are).

'Cours, being the naive fat bald guy that I am, the first time that I was asked, I had to ask for clarification.

In my untidy little world, vegans/vegetarians fall into two distinctly separate countries: those who beat you over the head with it, and those who don't.

I like to congratulate you on being the first (and only, so far) resident of the country whose natives don't beat you over the head with it.


But please don't eat it dry.

wigsf3 said...

If I get your point here, then a carton of eggs is just a multi-use chicken tampon or maxipad thing.

The Elephant's Child said...

What a glorious post. I have smiled loudly and winced in recognition. I wasn't a good Aunt and now I am a Great-Aunt. And still as immature as ever.
And yes, cheese would be my big sticking point. I am leaning towards veganism but ....

LL Cool Joe said...

What's a green sucker?

Both my kids know, and have seen so much more about sex than me that I now go to them for advice.

Claire said...

Love the closing Cartman, Go RK.

Marnie said...

Oh this was funny as all get out! However I did learn something new today... infertile eggs. Where do you buy them? I've never seen them in the store, but then again perhaps there's a different term being used?

Logical Libby said...

I've seen those videos. I don't think the hen has much fun at all... And she doesn't get a sucker.

Riot Kitty said...

Well! Glad it made everyone laugh. And Libby, life is always better with a sucker.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAH, oh god, i soooo want to have lunch at your house sometime. Fucking hilarious!

Workingdan said...

I'm curious...What is the immature thing you did to feel younger?

I'm not looking forward to my kids becoming teens. It's so much easier explaining things to a younger child because the questions they ask aren't so complicated.

Well, now that I think about it....I think I'll just let the mother answer any complicated questions!

Riot Kitty said...

C: Come anytime!
WD: Good plan.

Riot Kitty said...

Oh, Dan - I've done many immature things to feel younger ;)

John McElveen said...

LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Riot Kitty said...


Shionge said...

It makes you feel young to be with teenagers isn't it? I have never really given a thought but unfertilized egg versus fertilized one??+