Saturday, April 21, 2012

Things you might not know will happen...

...when your wisdom teeth leave this world. (Nellie Vaughn, this is for you.)

Now mind you, my dentist is awesome. Not only did she and her assistant make sure I was super numb and comfortable, but they told me how well I did. I felt like I was in kindergarten, gold star for me!

A bit of shameless self-congrats here: the teeth were loose, but I only had numbing. No sedation, no nitrus, and haven't taken any of the prescribed Vicodin. I am a fucking rock star.

Anyhow, my dentist was very good about going over things and then gave me a piece of paper with all of those things printed on it so I did not have to scribble. However, here are a few things that you might want to know about if you happen to have this surgery done in the future, that will not be anticipated for you by any dental professional.

1. Drinking will be a challenge at first. Read: you will get water all over your face, and you will slurp. That's right! Normally elegant, graceful you will need to hydrate yourself, but the numbing from your procedure will in fact take HOURS to wear off. Hence, be prepared to be not so graceful.

2. You will look like a vampire. You may be told that the places your teeth used to live are "forming blood clots" during the first 24 hours and "you may bleed a little." Translation: little drops of blood will make their way to your face, right near your lips. It looks like you got hungry and maybe attacked a farm animal on the way home.
3. Soup cans are the enemy. If you are like me, you like to make your own soup from scratch (or better, have someone make it for you.) If you have a very kind spouse/partner/friend who gets lots of soup from the store for you, make sure s/he gets the kind that can be opened with a can opener while said spouse is at work. Because those ones with a pulley thing...well, the pulley thing can pop off. Then they won't be opened with a can opener, because they don't fucking feel like it. This is CRUEL for a hungry person who can only have liquids. I am going to complain to the people at Progresso. Tip for the uninitiated: if this happens to you, carefully use a table knife to get it the rest of the way open. That way your fingers remain intact.

4. There are, unfortunately, some people will not give a flying fuck that you are basically under ibuprofen sedation/tired as fucking hell from having teeth yanked out of your mouth. These people will text you the day after your afternoon surgery, not to ask how you are doing, but to ask if you are at work and when you are going to proofread something for them, or to see if you are coming to the volunteer meeting the next night. Your answer: FUCK NO!
5. Say your very kind spouse/partner/friend, who well deserves to be sick of your sick person shit by now, as well as his role as errand runner/drink fetcher/back rubber is still in a good enough mood to take you to dinner. When you finally feel un-dopey enough to venture into the outside world, you will want to eat EVERYTHING sharp and pointy that you are not supposed to eat - just because you can't. You will want chips at the Mexican restaurant, and you will only be saved from yourself by said partner, who will whisk away the basket from your outstretched hand and say, "NO! YOU WILL CRY!" and then offer to stop eating chips as a gesture of solidarity. You will, of course, decline his gesture and then drool over every salsa-laden chip he eats.

Then your good friend will come over with chocolate-covered walnuts. Then you will start craving popcorn. You'll be surprised that you have not cried yet because you can't have these things.
Yes...all of this really happened. And yes, Mr. RK is a fucking saint. I probably owe him a cruise at this point.

So know you know what to expect that is not in the postsurgery fine print.

You're welcome ;)


Madeline Lore said...

The dreaded visit to the dentist. I should make an appointment, but for the reasons listed here, I have succeeded in procrastination.

I hope you're feeling better. Soup cans are evil, and the cat photos were a great treat :)

The Elephant's Child said...

I think I will pass. Thanks for the warnings.
Any dentist visit is a thing of terror - and that includes check up. Wimp that I am.

LL Cool Joe said...

I'm due to go to the dentists to have a tooth removed and implant put in.

Thanks for this. ;)

Lynn said...

Oh I don't like dental work. Glad it went well! Love all those lols. :)

Riot Kitty said...

ML: Feeling much better...I hate to think I have prevented anyone from oral hygiene! I loved finding the lolcats.
TEC: That is apparently what atavan is for ;)
Joey: Always! Seriously, it's also a great excuse to eat more ice cream.
L: I have yet to meet a person who likes dental work, but it went about as well as it could. Thanks for checking in on me :)

G. B. Miller said...

Ya know, I would be one of those spouses, who even though I would pretty much go above and beyond the call of duty, would also have a slightly mean sense of humor to employ as well.


However, with that being said, I want to add an addendum to your well thought out list:

Never, repeat, never go back to work after having major dental yankage because inevitably the novacaine will wear off and you will have to suffer the longest twenty minute drive of your entire life in order to get home.

Riot Kitty said...

G: Oh, that sound painful. And Mr. RK has made the occasional joke. I was not allowed to use straws for a few days and he said (right after surgery), "Does that mean you can't suck anything?"

Scarlet said...

Loved your #2...blood near the lips, attacked-a-farm-animal-on the-way-home look. That is TOO funny, chica! :D

Loved this post, and I'm glad you are now feeling better!

Riot Kitty said...

S: Thanks chica! You know I'm not really a vampira, since I'm a vegetarian ;)

Catherine, ex oh mwah! said...

uuuuh, i think i will need to get mine out in a few years. thanks for the nightmares!

question: whyyyyyy are your posts so good!!

Scarlet said...

That's right and I want to start cooking more veggie meals. Read my latest post and HELP ME, please! :)

Logical Libby said...

I hope your mouth is feeling better and you can now have all the chips, popcorn, and nuts you want.

NellieVaughn said...

This made me feel a little bit better. What I wanted to tell you was that my male friends told me it was the most painful thing they have ever experienced, which, of course, frightened me because I planned on only having local anesthesia. I am hoping they are quick extractions. I may just wait until my dentists starts yelling at me to have them removed, and I am married. Someone will have to take care of me, and the husband is kind of forced to do just that. Thank you so much for writing about it.

Riot Kitty said...

C: You're welcome ;) It wasn't that bad! Thanks for the compliments...I think it's because I'm the older version of you.
S: I will!
L: Not quite, but I had popcorn tonight. Score!
N: I only had numbing - no nitrus, I didn't go under. I also waited until I absolutely had to have them out. Did you know only 12% of people have to have them out? They used to do it as a matter of course, but it's almost never necessary. Also the pain wasn't so bad. I've had cramps that were much worse. Sorry to all of the non-females if that was TMI.

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Workingdan said...

I hope I never have to go through this and be deprived of all the foods I love to eat!

Claire said...

Oh my! Thanks for the heads up, I hope you are feeling better and better!

John McElveen said...

We Love you and thanks MR RK for taking such good care of her!

Get well soon...and you don't sound any dumber in your typing, so maybe the teeth won't be missed!

I counted perfect use of at least 6 "fucks"



Riot Kitty said...

NG: Thanks!
WD: That is such a guy reply. Haha!
C: I am, thanks!
John: Six! See, I still have an edge.