Sunday, August 24, 2008

How to make telemarketers hang up on you


For those of you who aren't on the do not call list...or are tired of getting political candidate calls...

Here's a short how-to guide, courtesy of Mr. Riot Kitty and his friend Dave. This has all been said in the following types of phone calls!

When a credit card company calls with an offer:
Caller: "Heeeeeeeeeey, we have an XYZ card at just 27.5 percent interest!"
You: "Oh...no. I can't go through this again."
Caller: "You have been pre-selected-"
You: "After last time..um..all the therapy...no."
Caller: "The approval process is-"
You: "You don't understand! There were BAGS of porn!"
Caller: "We can have a card sent-"
You: "I can't have the police here anymore. She will divorce me for sure this time. When she saw the German Scheisse video, well, it wasn't good."
Caller: "Scheisse?"
You: "You know, when she-"
Caller -click- line is dead.

When a political candidate calls you:

Politician: "Hi. I'm calling to let you know that I am running for election in XYZ county"
You: "Hang on...Suzy, lean a little more to the left! Save the pudding for later."
Politician:"My stand differs from my opponent because I do not support-"
You: "Just a sec... Hey! Add the orange!"
Politician:"I do NOT support putting babies on spikes"
You: "Yea, wait a moment...Are you going to take all day? We don't have that much film left. And get your hair out of the way!"
Politician: "I'll try back at a better time"

When your naive friend who your wife will never, EVER forgive passes on your phone number to a retirement planner:

Caller: "Hi, I am a retirement plan consultant. Blah blah Blah"
You: "My retirement plan is taken care of."
Caller: "Do you mind if I ask what your retirement plan is?"
You: "We will be collected."
Caller: "Collected?"
You: "By the mother ship."
Caller: "The mother ship. Do you have a will or estate plan? It's never too early-" (sounding flustered)
You: "We don't need to have a will or estate plan. We will all be collected at he same time."
Caller: "OK. Uh, if you need any of my services you have my number" -click-

10 comments:

Darth Weasel said...

Mr. Riot Kitty should start a business. When people receive these calls, they can simply forward the call to him. He can then go through his routines and there will be no more need for a Do Not Call subscription...companies will start paying people to not take their calls....

Green tea said...

I find it easier to just tell them hold for a minute and then lay the phone down till they hang up.
They seldom call back..

Scarlet said...

These are good. I've heard some pretty good ones myself when I was a Telemarketer. It was my first job...AND IT SUCKED!!

vivavavoom said...

because there is always that 8 second pause from when the phone is answered to when they actually say something, when they do get to talking I remain absolutely silent but keep the phone on, so eventually they hang up on me.

Claire said...

Dude. I am so doing the third one. Genius!

Cxx

leftcoast said...

A telemarketer called me once on a Sunday and I roared--in my best fire and brimstone voice--"SPAWN OF SATAN!" There was a long pause and then a "Huh?" "YOU DARE PLY YOUR TRADE ON THE SABATH??? MAY THE FLEAS OF A THOUSAND CAMELS INFEST YOUR ARMPITS!"

I hope he's still scratching.

Mike D said...

I was a telemarketer for a few hours. It was for businesses though. They told me I would get a few weeks training followed by side-by-sides with an agent. I figured I would get a pay check for a few weeks before I quit...

I was in training a few hours before they said we were done and put me with this agent who was hitting on the girl next to him. He left and had me make phone calls. The first guy I got was either drunk or half asleep. I quit before the day ended and stole a Mountain Dew from the fridge....Ironic, since years later I was training people how to take phone calls from customers (for a cable company). I am now a virtuoso on the phone, able to stop girls from crying. I rule.

Just joking. :)

I sold a popular line of color copiers. I still had all the training literature two years later when I cleaned out my car trunk before I sold it....I have the best weird jobs ever!!!

Mike D

Misty said...

HA. Those are inspiring. I need to use them. Thanks for your help lately by the way! I appreciate it very much.

Riot Kitty said...

Leftcoast! Bwahahaha! You should get an award.

JLee said...

hahah...that's better than my method of hanging up midsentence as if the line cut off. haha
What worries me is that I've been getting recorded crap on my cell phone. NNNOOO!