A survey to end all surveys

Lately I've been getting lots of surveys from friends who say they send them because my answers make them laugh. It's not intentional, by the way - I really would prefer poking Dick Cheney with a spoon to going shopping.

I was thinking about this, because at work, in an effort to weed out crazy people and bad writers, we have an online survey of sorts - we ask writers for a bit of information about themselves and their work. (It's a new effort, which you must know if you've read a previous blog about some of the authors that we deal with, who are on the "fucking crazy" end of the spectrum.)

And then I was thinking, why not go a step further? Because it's not just the crazy people and the bad writers who make work more stressful - it's also the assholes, the cheap bastards, the time vampires, etc.

So in an effort to make work less hair-pulling and aggravating for our author services person in particular, I suggest we add the following questions to our survey:

1. Are you an asshole? Yes/No

2. Are you, or have you ever been referred to, as a time vampire? Yes/No

3. Do people have to try really hard to keep a straight face when you ask their opinion of your writing? Yes/No

4. Do you think you are the next Hemingway, Dr. Seuss, or J.K. Rowling? If so, log off RIGHT NOW and DON'T EVEN BOTHER contacting us, please.

5. Do you have delusions of grandeur? Refer to question #4.

6. Do you have a firm grasp of the English language? Yes/No (Note: This is a question for native speakers.)

7. For local candidates who are considering an in-person meeting with us: Do you use deodorant? Yes/No If the answer is "No," again, refer to question #4 for further action.

8. Do you constantly interrupt, and repeat the same questions to different staff members, hoping to get different answers? Yes/No

9. If you require a hearing aide, do you make sure to turn it up when you make phone calls? Yes/No

10. Are you a cheap bastard, and want to suck information from us in the belief that you can really do it better yourself for free? Yes/No

That concludes my imaginary survey.