No, I don't want to look like Apple Dumpling

You know the Strawberry Shortcake character. You know her ridiculously puffy yellow hat with the green dots.

If not, here's a refresher: http://www.strawberry-shortcake.net/CollectorsInfo/PriceGuide/AppleDumpling.htm

So here's a rant having to do with her little hat that actually is a two-part rant (lucky treat for you desiring readers of cranky!)

First - yes, this is a first-world pet peeve and it's not on the top of my complaint list of what's wrong with the world (e.g. hunger and corporate greed and war), but I hate malls. I also hate dressing rooms, and trying on clothes, having long abandoned the notion that designers realize someone who is a 38C doesn't need tent space everywhere else in her garments, or someone with small hips has big boobs, so voila! You have probably figured out that I do not enjoy shopping as a pastime.

So when I actually do have to or want to go get a piece of clothing, it's irritating enough to have to go to a mall (e.g., a place where I can try things on, because if I don't, I can wear anything from a small to an XL, depending on the manufacturer.) It's more irritating to find that each season, everything in ONE COLOR. This season, fortunately, the colors are black and white. Neither of which is particularly appropriate for a dress for a wedding in which I am a guest and not the star.

That not being irritating enough, I had forgotten that in addition to there being only one or two colors available, there are perpetually and regularly only one or two styles. This season, the dresses are fitted on top (I'm fine with that) and then - poof! - the tailoring ends.

Who thought this would look good on anyone? It's like some fucking elf started designing a babydoll dress and then stopped after designing the part that goes around your boobs.

So the point of this rant is that after dragging my ass to the mall, in traffic, to the tune of $3-a-greedy-bastard-oil-company-enriching-dead-dinosaurs, battling crowds of idiots inside said mall, and stuffing said ass into aforementioned dresses, I looked like I was wearing Apple Dumpling's hat below the chest.

So to the elves - or elf, as the studios are obviously hiring out the same one to choose one or two colors, fabrics and unflattering styles per season - fuck you! I should have remembered you when I went looking for a normal (read: not too fancy, and one I could wear again) evening dress for my wedding and there were none to be found. But then again, you did inspire my blog today.