No, I don't want to look like Apple Dumpling

You know the Strawberry Shortcake character. You know her ridiculously puffy yellow hat with the green dots.

If not, here's a refresher: http://www.strawberry-shortcake.net/CollectorsInfo/PriceGuide/AppleDumpling.htm

So here's a rant having to do with her little hat that actually is a two-part rant (lucky treat for you desiring readers of cranky!)

First - yes, this is a first-world pet peeve and it's not on the top of my complaint list of what's wrong with the world (e.g. hunger and corporate greed and war), but I hate malls. I also hate dressing rooms, and trying on clothes, having long abandoned the notion that designers realize someone who is a 38C doesn't need tent space everywhere else in her garments, or someone with small hips has big boobs, so voila! You have probably figured out that I do not enjoy shopping as a pastime.

So when I actually do have to or want to go get a piece of clothing, it's irritating enough to have to go to a mall (e.g., a place where I can try things on, because if I don't, I can wear anything from a small to an XL, depending on the manufacturer.) It's more irritating to find that each season, everything in ONE COLOR. This season, fortunately, the colors are black and white. Neither of which is particularly appropriate for a dress for a wedding in which I am a guest and not the star.

That not being irritating enough, I had forgotten that in addition to there being only one or two colors available, there are perpetually and regularly only one or two styles. This season, the dresses are fitted on top (I'm fine with that) and then - poof! - the tailoring ends.

Who thought this would look good on anyone? It's like some fucking elf started designing a babydoll dress and then stopped after designing the part that goes around your boobs.

So the point of this rant is that after dragging my ass to the mall, in traffic, to the tune of $3-a-greedy-bastard-oil-company-enriching-dead-dinosaurs, battling crowds of idiots inside said mall, and stuffing said ass into aforementioned dresses, I looked like I was wearing Apple Dumpling's hat below the chest.

So to the elves - or elf, as the studios are obviously hiring out the same one to choose one or two colors, fabrics and unflattering styles per season - fuck you! I should have remembered you when I went looking for a normal (read: not too fancy, and one I could wear again) evening dress for my wedding and there were none to be found. But then again, you did inspire my blog today.

Assaulting victims and the First Amendment

Explain to me who made Jeffre Cheuvront God.

http://www.slate.com/id/2168758/

This Nebraska judge has surely made his state proud by banning the word "rape" in his courtroom.

Or explain why the fuck we are still stuck in the "blame the victim/she asked for it/let's err in favor of the accused rapist" mentality, OK?

I'm sure Cheuvront's decision to censor the witness and her choice of language pleased the attorney, one Clarence Mock, defending the man accused of rape, Pamir Safi.

Especially this part fucking pisses me off:

"It's a legal conclusion for a witness to say, 'I was raped' or
'sexually assaulted.' … That's for a jury to decide."

Oh, sorry asshole - if someone breaks into my house and shoots me, I'll
just say, "Someone entered my house and fired a bullet my way which may
or may not have hit me."

How the hell can a judge control the First Amendment, mind you?

And how far back into the dark ages have we gone?

Why stop here? Why not return to the days when marriage was a property contract into which fathers sold their daughters; why not go just two or three decades back when women who actually had the guts to come forward and report sexual assault were told that either 1. they were asking for it because they looked or were dressed a certain way, or 2. that they were too ugly for the assault to have occurred. (Yes, this really happened, people. Try reading "Backlash" by Susan Faludi or "Moving the Mountain" by Flora Davis for more lurid details.)

Or we could simply remove this idiot from the bench.

More from (rural) Craigslist

Another one I just couldn't make up:

Wanted - Goat Goodies (goat manure)

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Reply to:
Date: 2007-06-13, 10:00AM PDT


Wanted for free - goat manure or chicken manure for my vegetable garden. Somewhere within 20 miles of Rainier, Oregon. I don't want to drive too far in my gas guzzling truck!

Thank you! *Uh, what?*

What I'd like to know is this: How did this yokel arrive at the notion that it has to be goat shit? I mean, was there a breakfast conversation out yonder on the farm that went like this (see below)?

"You look sad Ethyl."

"Well Burt, you know those cucumbers aren't nearly as green as they were last year."

(Burt's face brightens up and he pops a big grin and snaps his fingers.)

"I know just the thing, Ethyl! We'll get that miracle goat manure for them! That'll make 'em grow big."

(Big smile from Ethyl.)

"Oh, Burt, every day I wake up and thank the Lord I married a smart man such as yourself. If I had married Carl Higgins next door, he would have suggested something stupid like regular cow manure, and where would our prize-winning cucumbers be then?"

*Just a scenario. You never know with those people in Clark County.*

When work e-mail sounds like porn, but really isn't

So in any other context, you'd think this was naughty:

Let me know if you like it and more importantly, will it work for your needs. I am in there several times. I think he is sending you the entire CD so you might have to be patient to see my parts.

But it isn't. Sorry, I'm out of chicken posts for now.

I'll just let you dwell on that.

Monty Python, but seriously

Check out this very short but to-the-maddening-point article in the UK's Guardian newspaper by Terry Jones of Monty Python fame (courtesy, as always, of my friend Left Coast Bob):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,2100802,00.html
** *A true land of opportunity*

Where there's death and destruction, there's profit - as security
companies in Iraq know only too well

**********

I suppose what really burns me up is that these people claim to be Christians. I suppose they could be, if you consider Christianity limited to a few parts of the Old Testament where violence, sexism, and elitism rule. (Remember that part about an eye for an eye? Read it again. Because that same verse states that you only have to give up an eye if you take one from a rich person. If you put out the eye of a common man, you must "pay one large piece of silver.")

Sure, they're right in line with the verses that call for the insemination of one's sister-in-law if your bro isn't up to the job; the killing of your neighbor if s/he plants the wrong crop at the wrong time, etc.

But let's consider the rest of it - e.g., Jesus's message.

Have these corporate Christians ever read the scriptures? No, I suppose they all think if Christ were on Earth today he'd be a corporate attorney for an oil company, driving around in an SUV, running red lights and mowing down pedestrians in crosswalks while talking on his cell phones.

Get real, people. Most likely he'd be visiting people in prison, riding a bike, shopping at Goodwill and protesting war, environmental destruction, and other human evils. He'd probably refuse to vote or join a political party.

Remember the part where he turned over the tables in the temple? See, he hated corruption and greed, rich people taking advantage of poor people. That's my acupuncturist's theory about why "they strung him up," as she (a self-described "radical feminist Christian") puts it. He went against big business.

But then again, the people founding companies based on killing would probably have sided with Pontius Pilate, wouldn't they?

More about chickens

Seriously, there is something wrong with the people who post on Portland craigslist in the "items wanted" section.

OK, any of you who have been in that section already know that. There has been a serious degeneration of the site, and the people posting (the same five with animal names?) It has slid rapidly downhill in the past few years - I am grateful but so amazed, considering how it has hit nearly rock bottom, that I met my husband and Sr. Woodchuck there.

But anyway - that's another rant altogether.

This is meant to be a rant about people posting for animals *in* the items wanted column in the first place - and that column can be a scary place indeed...although I notice that absolutely NO ONE is looking for the "Megadick" product whose spam ads grace our computers each day at work...

So anyway, here's another gem involving chickens:

1 hen - $4

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Reply to
Date: 2007-06-10, 5:31PM PDT


I need a hen asap! I had two chickens, but a raccoon got one of them the other night and now the other is lonely. Please E-mail if you have a hen/pullet (6+ weeks old) that i could adopt from you.

Thanks Location: SE Portland

So I have some questions for the person or people in need of a hen.

First of all: if you "need a hen asap," you probably also need mental help.

Secondly: SE PDX isn't exactly a rural area. Where the hell did you put the hens? Out in the yard? Did they escape from your laundry room? (See previous post about idiots who bought 10 chickens and no coop.)

Point 3: Nowhere very safe, obviously, because a raccoon showed up and took one.

Which brings me to point 4: How are you planning to keep the new chicken away from Mr. Racoon hen-eating monster? Spray them with Raccoon-away? Or are you going to just keep replacing them like tires, but cheaper and with beaks?

And lastly, how, pray tell, do you come up with the $4 figure? Is that the going rate for hens these days? Obviously the raccoon didn't think so.

And if there aren't enough cocks in your life

This is a real ad from Portland Craigslist:

rooster wanted

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Reply to:
Date: 2007-06-04, 2:19PM PDT


wanted a rooster for my hen if you have any email me and if you can send a pic *A picture? Why would they need a picture, I ask you? Are they trying to set up a rooster dating service? Is it a really particular hen? Does she prefer white roosters, yellow roosters, or what?*

Who happens to have photographs of roosters laying around? Does this person want a "sexy" shot, or just a school picture?

*Or is this just some sicko out to fuck a chicken?

*You tell me.*

And sadly enough, no, this was not the only chicken-related post on CL, which is SUPPOSEDLY supposed to cover a metro area:

wanted chicken coop

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Reply to: see below
Date: 2007-06-04, 2:33PM PDT


We got ahead of ourselves and got 10 chickens(6 chicks, 2 hens and 2 roosters) they all get along, but we haven't built the coop yet.

*Isn't this like getting a cat without a litter box? A baby without a cradle? Are you a person without a brain, perhaps?*


We'd been keeping them in the laundry room, then the garage, now in 2 old dog houses on our 25 acre property.
We'd like to get the coop done but just don't have time/energy with 4 kids.

*Right, you have no time and no energy with four kids, so...you get 10 fucking chickens, but don't have time to pick up a coop! Boy, aren't you a genius?*

Do you have a coop that you just want to get rid of, email me at or call me hm cell.

*Well, Bertha, wouldn't you know it, I do - In fact, I SPECIFICALLY GOT ON CRAIGSLIST hoping some nice slob of a person like you would be interested and could take it off my hands, because I ate all of my chickens, and therefore no longer need the coop.*

I can pick it up. *Oh, sure you can, sweetheart.* Just try not to accidentally throw the chickens into the laundry and make McNuggets.

Random things that pissed me off last week

1. Don't show, don't tell: Why is it that middle-aged women with saggy asses and awful underwear wear tight-assed pants that show us as much? Sorry, but I JUST DON'T need to see it, lady. You know who you are. In front of me at the cafe. I nearly canceled my order and choked on my muffin. I don't show you mine, and I didn't ask to see yours.

2. Oregon drivers, rant #42,204: Note to said drivers: when you merge, LOOK FIRST, you fucking idiots! Drifting without so much as checking your mirror, looking over your shoulder, or (gasp!) have you heard of a blind spot?

3. On that note, for the people who tailgate me in school zones, then speed up exactly a mile when the school zone ends: what the fuck are you doing? What kind of point are you trying to make, other than 21 mph is the new cool? Seriously! One day you will get an expensive ticket, and I will laugh.

4. To the editor of the San Francisco Chronicle magazine, who blew off one of my authors in a one line e-mail without so much as looking at the letter he had carefully constructed: fuck you, bitch. Actually, this was the week before last, but it'll do.

5. To the environmental magazine editor who also pissed me off, here's a tip for the uninitiated: if you ignore e-mail for a month, then ask for an interview to be arranged the next day, you will not get it.

6. To the dust that gathers in the back room of my apartment: you are my enemy. You think you can outlast my husband's forgetfulness and unwillingness to get rid of you, but today you lost :)