Monday, December 30, 2013

Whose DNA is this?

Clearing away holiday cards last night, I saw this on the back of the one from my grandparents:
WTF! The front was a regular holiday card.

Since when is the NRA involved in the holiday business? The funniest thing grandparents aren't gun enthusiasts. I've never even heard them talk about guns, other than the fact that when they lived out on several acres when we were little, they had a gun they used to kill snakes. We were educated about where it was, not to go anywhere fucking near it, etc.

So I'm thinking if the NRA did this properly, they'd come up with something more branded. Hey, I have a marketing background.

How about:

"You can have a Merry Christmas...when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands!"

"Support the NRA this Christmas. Because even Santa could be packing heat."
I'm guessing they were probably a freebie that my grandparents got in the mail. My grandfather is one of the cheapest men alive. He buys his jeans at Wal-Mart and complains about how expensive they are. He also rants about how China is taking jobs away from the U.S. ... despite his favorite store being one of the top importers of Chinese-made goods... he doesn't connect dots really well.

It just goes to support my dad's theory that I have no DNA in common with that side of the family. We could invent our own game show! It could be called, "Whose DNA is this?"

How about you? Does the apple fall that far from the tree?


Lee said...

I located my half brother just over five years ago and we are in regular least twice a week. We laugh that DNA testing isn't needed to prove we're related. It's amazing the similarities between us...there is no denying!

That's a bit sneaky of the NRA! That's a sure fire way to trigger off annoyance!

Lee said... the way, have a very Happy New Year's Eve, RK...and I hope the joy and goodwill continues throughout the rest of 2014. I wish you good health and good fortune!

Best wishes from the Land of Oz!

Birdie said...

I think it would be interesting to have a grandparent that uses the word, "fuck". Seriously.

Elephant's Child said...

I hope, trust and believe that my apple was never on most of the tree. It is certainly an emotional country mile from it now.
Happy New Year.

Memphis Steve said...

DNA is a funny thing. I have a family member who voted for Obama and yet is in the NRA at the same time. You'd think her head would explode, but no. I myself may or may not have sent out both free NRA Christmas cards AND free PETA cards and yet my head also has not exploded. Maybe my family has explosion-resistant DNA?

Abby said...

Great holiday greetings! You should hit the NRA up for a job!

I just visited my parents. My dad is convinced that computers will soon take over the world (for reals), while my mom refuses to use a cell phone, claiming she "can't". I'm an apple mixture of that. As far as my husband, I swear he was switched at birth with some other family. There must've been a tornado the day he fell from his tree.

Cheryl said...

Not that I ever get anything free in the mail but if I do, I will be checking if the NRA sent it to me. How crazy is that? I love your holiday slogans though. I think they would do well in certain sectors. As far as my family is truly the most dysfunctional bunch of crazy people on the planet. I tend to hope that I am not really related so I am not EVAH going to do any DNA testing. As long as there is no documented proof, the hope remains alive.

Claire said...

Ha! What a random thing for the NRA to be involved in.

I'm a far-from-the-tree-apple, to be sure. My siblings and parents are all very similar - I'm the dark horse.

Lynn said...

I thought you were about to report on the DNA test you sent off. :)

That is pretty funny and yes, so opposite from you.

There are some gun-toters in my extended family. I count myself as a party of maybe two who haven't touched a fun before (except for that time when I was a jury for a man who killed someone with a handgun. They passed the gun around. Creepy. And found guilty.)

Ms. CrankyPants said...

You totally should write Christmas cards for the NRA.

And while I try not to think about my parents' DNA (especially my DAD'S DNA, which I'm now thinking about and can't freaking STOP since I've brought it up -- oh GOD, "brought it up" -- it's getting worse). I gotta go

Mike_D said...


"Check out the gun show this christmas!"

"Because that may not be Santa coming down the chimney"

and finally,

"How many rounds do you want Santa to bring you? Cuz civilians need fucking assault rifles.."

CraveCute said...

This is a new one! How low can they go? Happy New Year!

Charles Gramlich said...

I'm a lot like my mom in being a somewhat anxious person. not much like her in the things we believe in but that is largely a product of the very different worlds we grew up in.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Some days I'm not far enough from the tree, if you know what I mean. If only I could roll down the hill a little further!

Riot Kitty said...

Lee: That is really amazing. I would like to know more! And thank you, and likewise!
Birdie: I agree. Sadly, I won't have grandkids, or I could be such a grandparent.
EC: Well said.
Steve: I am laughing my ass off! Thank you.
Abby: "There must've been a tornado the day he fell from his tree." This would explain my issue as well!
Cheryl: I keep thinking the few tolerable people in my family are all from outer space. That would explain something.
Claire: Tell me more! And yeah, the NRA thing threw me. Not what I was expecting to see coupled with "Emmanuel."
Lynn: That is super creepy. Yuck. And the DNA thing is a whole 'nother story, as they say.
Cranky: You got up from Breaking Bad! I'm flattered ;) The day I get paid by the NRA is the day I will be laughing all the way to the bank...
Mikey: OMG! That first one is perfection! Did you just make that up?
CC: As a friend of mine in sixth grade said..."Low enough to limbo under a pregnant ant."
Charles: I'm somewhat like my dad and nothing like my biological mother. Although when I get older, I'm going to develop some really annoying habits and blame it on heredity.
Debra: Oh, sister, do I know!!

middle child said...

I agree. Had to be a freebie.

Granny Annie said...

I order my Christmas cards from the NRA and my Birthday greeting cards from Planned Parenthood then most of my sympathy cards come from AHC.

Happy New Year RK and Welcome to 2014. Sorry to be so late getting here.

Laura said...

happy new year!
may you and yours enjoy peace, happiness andnhealth!


Riot Kitty said...

MC: I'm thinking so.
GA: HAHAHA! The day I get a PETA card from you...OMG, that would. Be. FRAMED! In like one nanosecond. Happy New Year to you!
Laura: Thank you, and thanks for stopping by!

Vanessa Morgan said...

Happy New Year!

Betty Manousos said...

dear friend,

happy new year! i wish that all your wishes are fulfilled this year!
lots of love and hugs!

LL Cool Joe said...

I have no knowledge of my DNA, maybe my birth mother is a transphobic, gun loving racist. Hopefully I'll never find out.

Happy New Year!

Rock Chef said...

I am clearly the product of both of my parents - God help me! :-)

I have another card for the NRA.

Santa holding AR15 with grenade launcher, sleigh kitted out with miniguns and rocket pods, like a helicopter gunship:

"Have you SEEN some of the neighbourhoods I have to deliver to?"

Riot Kitty said...

Vanessa: Thanks!
Betty: Thank you, and ditto.
Joey: Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I wish I had never met some of my biological family members!
RC: Oh, that is too fantastic...

Introverted Art said...

hahahahaha your grandparents probably didn't even see the stuff on the back of the card. But it is kind of funny. Nothing says good cheers like the NRA ;-)